Where we have been; Where we are going

This year has been the most difficult year of our lives, we faced a tragedy that no one should ever have to face. We have been through the depths of Hell from the moment we heard the awful news up until now. We have been through the emotions of welcoming Bristol into a world that we are not so sure of. We have been up and down every emotional roller coaster there is to offer. We have been close to ending our lives, only to think enough about it that we don't because that won't ever get us to see Kennedy again. We have been across the country to clear our heads, we have sat quietly in the shower crying. We have been through countless sleepless nights. We have been through the best dreams and the worst nightmares.
Where we are going is definitely a mystery. We have plans. Plans to raise Bristol safely. Plans to re-grow our business, plans to cry when we need to. Over this year I have come to realize that our plans don't ever seem to work out. We planned to the leave the beach Friday morning, unfortunately it was a plan we didn't stick to.
We each have our goals. My number one goal is provide as much love as I have to offer to Bristol and raise her to know her sister like we did. I also plan to work diligently on my book over the next few months and hope to have it in print by NEXT Christmas. It is a far off date but I never realized all that goes into it, it's very time consuming. In 8 short weeks I will be done with my bachelor's degree in Nursing. I hope to take off until January 2012, to return for my Master's. This has been a long time goal of mine and it now finally seems reachable.
Many people have asked if we plan on having more kids. That answer is yes. When? I have no idea. I have said a thousand times if I could have a baby without having to actually go through pregnancy I would do it every day. I am just not a good pregnant person, I'm whiny, I gain way to much weight and I get super selfish.
I look forward so much to watching Bristol grow into her own person. She is a wild child already. She is so feisty (I'm pretty sure that comes from Joe). She is a determined little person too. She knows what she wants (we are still trying to figure it out) and she will get it.
July 7, Joe and I celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary, something many people probably never thought we would ever see. Through everything we have been through this year we are stronger than ever. Yes we disagree and argue but who doesn't. We have held to our commitment to stick together through this, I look forward to spending many, many more years with him. We are dysfunctional but somehow it works.

Our year

Well life is definitely busy around here. I forgot what it was like to have a baby in the house. Bristol is doing great. She's such a content baby. We couldn't be happier.

Our family has been visiting since her birth, a new member each week. My house is full and busy but it's all so welcome.

It has almost been a year. We have been juggeling with the idea of returning to the beach for the anniversary on the 2nd but I think we have finally made the decision to wait until September or so. I am in a happy place right now, I miss Kennedy so much more every day and I fear that if I go to the beach right now it will make me lose my momentum of healing.

We teach Bristol every day about Kennedy, we show her the pictures on the wall of her and I think that whenever we say her name she smiles a bit. My goal is for Bristol to know Kennedy the way we knew her. I struggle now and probably will until the time comes for us to explain to her what happened to her sister. I know that will be a difficult conversation.

This past year has been the hardest, saddest, joyous and happiest times. Looking back, I still cannot believe what has happened. I guess it is something that I will always look at as a bad nightmare. Dealing with the emotions of all of this, Kennedy's death and Bristol's birth, is trying. I am generally happy but still hurt so deeply for Kennedy. Time is healing our wounds but I know they will never be fully healed. That is ok with us, we are learning our new normal.

Dreams and Anniversary's

Things have been pretty quiet here. Calm before the storm? Let's hope not. I am a bit jealous of Joe. He has had several dreams about Kennedy but I have not had a single one. Why does he get the dreams? I want one too. I've never really been a big dreamer, I guess I just don't remember them. The vivid details that Joe describes to me about seeing Kennedy in these dreams makes me so sad. He gets to hug her again, I don't, he got to see her at a much older age, I don't. I only get to hear about them after listening to him moan and almost cry all night long. I always know when he's had one, his sleep is a mess those nights. I can feel his pain in each cry.

The only dream I have had recently, that I remember, is that Bristol was born without a head. I have heard about the crazy dreams that one can have during pregnancy, but really wasn't expecting that. She has a head, I saw it! What am I thinking? So silly.

While shopping this week in Wal-mart I walked down the Easter aisle. Already? I have now realized that holidays are hard. Not just for me but for so many others. Unfortunately it is sad that we relate a holiday to the death of a person but we do. Deaths seem to happen around the holidays a lot. Easter is definitely going to be a holiday that I know brings friends of mine to their knees. It makes me wonder how we can be so "happy" when the holidays roll around. July 4th and fireworks will never be the same for me. It's hard to even look at fireworks on TV. We were supposed to be watching them with Kennedy that weekend. She called them 'firetrucks'.

Joe and I have also tossed up renewing our wedding vows. Our anniversary is July 7(it will be 10 years this year). We forgot about it this year until late that day when Joe said to me "wow, some anniversary". Dates to me at that time were non-existent. I just cannot see how we will celebrate anything around that time. I wish that money were not an option and we could go away for the entire month.

Please think of others when you are enjoying your holidays or celebrations, so many of us out here are hurting during these times.