This time of year seems to be the hardest. Kennedy loved it. In the words of Kenny Chesney "sunny days seem to hurt the most". There are so many things that I know I should be doing such as:
~Signing Kennedy up for Kindergarten. I just cannot believe that she would be old enough to start school. A dreaded time in most parents life, sending their child off to school, I could only wish.
~Witnessing Kennedy come down from the high of being in Disney World. I couldn't help but think how much she would have loved it. The princesses were her favorite. There was even a Handy Manny, we never got around to see him though, painful.
~Letting Kennedy plan her fifth birthday party. Would she have wanted ponies, inflatables or a pool party. I will never know.
~Watching Kennedy and Bristol play together. Although Joe and I decided that they would probably fight a lot. They are both pretty strong headed.
~I really should be cleaning my nasty house.
~Working on school work that I keep putting off.
~Planning Bristol's first birthday.
Some things on my list will never, ever be crossed off and I have to live with that every single day of my life. Checking off the things I can check off keeps me moving forward. Is this the way my life will always be? I have no idea but I have realized that when I take smaller steps I get further.
Our first night in Orlando was filled with nightmares. I dreamt of the ocean and violent waves. This was my first dream ever like this. It was awful. Another one of the many visions I have to live with every single day.
I hate grieving. It never goes away. I cannot take Tylenol and a nap and wake up with it gone. Bristol knows when we are grieving, she is usually very needy those days. I swear she is just trying so hard to make it better on us and keep us busy. I love her so much for that and at the same time hate that we cannot be happy all.the.time. for her sake.
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right?
We have been in a whirlwind of busy-ness ever since Joe got back from his cruise. Things need to slow down! Being busy is a good thing but I feel like I never really know if I'm coming or going. Add to that we have a 9 month old drama queen that is teething. Ugh! I need a drink or just one uninterrupted night of sleep.
Several months ago we made the decision to look into foster care. For some reason we both felt that we can provide a stable home for a child that needs it. We still feel this way. Unfortunately though, after submitting our application and waiting forever for a response we were scheduled to begin our 10 (yes 10) weeks of classes on the day we were leaving for our beach convention. We also have a disney trip planned in March which would fall on week 7 of the classes. How is this is a problem? We cannot miss any classes if we want to be licensed. Shelby county tells me they are in a crisis situation and have too many kids and not enough homes. Well crap! I wonder why. They definitely need to re-vamp their education process. My only thought is that this is not the right time for us to do this. I just can't help but obsess over it though.
I'm still missing my Kennedy so much and hate that she isn't here with us. Joe and I decided that her and Bristol would NOT get along. Bristol is hard headed and extremely demanding, two things that annoyed Kennedy a lot. I'm beginning to realize that the memories of Kennedy are what keep me going every day. The pain is still here but I am so thankful for all of the memories I have of her.
The relentless pursuit of getting my Master's degree begins finally on Feb 27! I'm excited but nervous. I just don't feel like getting into school mode again. I feel like I have been in college forever! Oh wait, I have!
I'll update again soon!
Several months ago we made the decision to look into foster care. For some reason we both felt that we can provide a stable home for a child that needs it. We still feel this way. Unfortunately though, after submitting our application and waiting forever for a response we were scheduled to begin our 10 (yes 10) weeks of classes on the day we were leaving for our beach convention. We also have a disney trip planned in March which would fall on week 7 of the classes. How is this is a problem? We cannot miss any classes if we want to be licensed. Shelby county tells me they are in a crisis situation and have too many kids and not enough homes. Well crap! I wonder why. They definitely need to re-vamp their education process. My only thought is that this is not the right time for us to do this. I just can't help but obsess over it though.
I'm still missing my Kennedy so much and hate that she isn't here with us. Joe and I decided that her and Bristol would NOT get along. Bristol is hard headed and extremely demanding, two things that annoyed Kennedy a lot. I'm beginning to realize that the memories of Kennedy are what keep me going every day. The pain is still here but I am so thankful for all of the memories I have of her.
The relentless pursuit of getting my Master's degree begins finally on Feb 27! I'm excited but nervous. I just don't feel like getting into school mode again. I feel like I have been in college forever! Oh wait, I have!
I'll update again soon!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
One year of blogging!
Wow! I have been doing this for an entire year! When I started this I just didn't know where it would take me. I've read some of my previous posts today, interesting to say the least. I am definitely a mess when I'm pregnant!
Hopefully I will be able to dedicate myself to finish my book, I really have been slacking on it. I have decided that 2012 will be the year for the Halechko's, we are going to get organized, build our business, grow our family (I am not pregnant but more on that later) and most of all love our sweet Bristol. Our life is being led to explore some different paths, ones that we normally would never consider. I'm hoping to have some definite details to share with all of you soon. ;)
Happy 2012 to all of you!
Hopefully I will be able to dedicate myself to finish my book, I really have been slacking on it. I have decided that 2012 will be the year for the Halechko's, we are going to get organized, build our business, grow our family (I am not pregnant but more on that later) and most of all love our sweet Bristol. Our life is being led to explore some different paths, ones that we normally would never consider. I'm hoping to have some definite details to share with all of you soon. ;)
Happy 2012 to all of you!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Bittersweet Return
We made the painful decision to go back to the beach this past weekend. We chose not to go to Orange Beach but instead went to Pensacola Beach (If you recall the picture of Kennedy with her back to the camera looking out over the gulf, this is where it was taken in May of 2010).
It was actually an easy trip. Bristol was surprisingly easy, although we were both sinus-ey, it was still a great trip.
I wondered if I was going to be able to even look at the water. I find it hard to look at it on TV or in pics, but being there made me want to see it. I only went in up to my ankles and that is probably all I will ever go in and that is fine with me. It was nice to not have anxiety when I saw the beauty of the beach this time.
We were able to make some pretty pictures with Bristol on the beach. We collected seashells, something I will always keep as a reminder to us of our strength to go forward. Will the beach ever be the same for us, NO, but we will continue to make new memories and grow from the old ones.
Reality hit me when we walked back into our house. On our last trip back in without Kennedy it was a somber, depressing entrance, the dogs even laid down and cried. This entrance was nothing like that, Bristol was wide awake in her carrier, the dogs were running around ready to be let outside, our life has continued on. It's amazing how slow and fast these past 14 months have gone, some days (most) are a blur and filled with anger and sadness but others are filled with the joy of Bristol. She is truly a blessing!
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May 2010 |
I wondered if I was going to be able to even look at the water. I find it hard to look at it on TV or in pics, but being there made me want to see it. I only went in up to my ankles and that is probably all I will ever go in and that is fine with me. It was nice to not have anxiety when I saw the beauty of the beach this time.
We were able to make some pretty pictures with Bristol on the beach. We collected seashells, something I will always keep as a reminder to us of our strength to go forward. Will the beach ever be the same for us, NO, but we will continue to make new memories and grow from the old ones.
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| Our Little Family Feet |
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
This week I returned back to work from maternity leave. I was panicked at the thought of Joe sleeping with Bristol and basically taking care of her all weekend without my help. He did fine, his hair was on end at the end of day 1 and his eyes were purple from lack of sleep but he managed. I panicked for nothing. Day 2 they did much better and I am at ease now. He's a great daddy and I am lucky to have him.
Being back to work was great. I needed it. I complain about working all the time but I know that I will be a better mom for it. I need the time away. With my return to work I pledged to myself that I will not take any more time off, no more leave of absences! This year was filled with them and now I want to try and get back to somewhat of a normal life.
Bristol is growing so fast. We love her so much. Her smiles are so heartwarming and give us such a calm feeling. I could (and usually do) hold her all day and snuggle. We tell her about her Sissy all the time but I think she already knows all about her!
Being back to work was great. I needed it. I complain about working all the time but I know that I will be a better mom for it. I need the time away. With my return to work I pledged to myself that I will not take any more time off, no more leave of absences! This year was filled with them and now I want to try and get back to somewhat of a normal life.
Bristol is growing so fast. We love her so much. Her smiles are so heartwarming and give us such a calm feeling. I could (and usually do) hold her all day and snuggle. We tell her about her Sissy all the time but I think she already knows all about her!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Where we have been; Where we are going
This year has been the most difficult year of our lives, we faced a tragedy that no one should ever have to face. We have been through the depths of Hell from the moment we heard the awful news up until now. We have been through the emotions of welcoming Bristol into a world that we are not so sure of. We have been up and down every emotional roller coaster there is to offer. We have been close to ending our lives, only to think enough about it that we don't because that won't ever get us to see Kennedy again. We have been across the country to clear our heads, we have sat quietly in the shower crying. We have been through countless sleepless nights. We have been through the best dreams and the worst nightmares.
Where we are going is definitely a mystery. We have plans. Plans to raise Bristol safely. Plans to re-grow our business, plans to cry when we need to. Over this year I have come to realize that our plans don't ever seem to work out. We planned to the leave the beach Friday morning, unfortunately it was a plan we didn't stick to.
We each have our goals. My number one goal is provide as much love as I have to offer to Bristol and raise her to know her sister like we did. I also plan to work diligently on my book over the next few months and hope to have it in print by NEXT Christmas. It is a far off date but I never realized all that goes into it, it's very time consuming. In 8 short weeks I will be done with my bachelor's degree in Nursing. I hope to take off until January 2012, to return for my Master's. This has been a long time goal of mine and it now finally seems reachable.
Many people have asked if we plan on having more kids. That answer is yes. When? I have no idea. I have said a thousand times if I could have a baby without having to actually go through pregnancy I would do it every day. I am just not a good pregnant person, I'm whiny, I gain way to much weight and I get super selfish.
I look forward so much to watching Bristol grow into her own person. She is a wild child already. She is so feisty (I'm pretty sure that comes from Joe). She is a determined little person too. She knows what she wants (we are still trying to figure it out) and she will get it.
July 7, Joe and I celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary, something many people probably never thought we would ever see. Through everything we have been through this year we are stronger than ever. Yes we disagree and argue but who doesn't. We have held to our commitment to stick together through this, I look forward to spending many, many more years with him. We are dysfunctional but somehow it works.
Where we are going is definitely a mystery. We have plans. Plans to raise Bristol safely. Plans to re-grow our business, plans to cry when we need to. Over this year I have come to realize that our plans don't ever seem to work out. We planned to the leave the beach Friday morning, unfortunately it was a plan we didn't stick to.
We each have our goals. My number one goal is provide as much love as I have to offer to Bristol and raise her to know her sister like we did. I also plan to work diligently on my book over the next few months and hope to have it in print by NEXT Christmas. It is a far off date but I never realized all that goes into it, it's very time consuming. In 8 short weeks I will be done with my bachelor's degree in Nursing. I hope to take off until January 2012, to return for my Master's. This has been a long time goal of mine and it now finally seems reachable.
Many people have asked if we plan on having more kids. That answer is yes. When? I have no idea. I have said a thousand times if I could have a baby without having to actually go through pregnancy I would do it every day. I am just not a good pregnant person, I'm whiny, I gain way to much weight and I get super selfish.
I look forward so much to watching Bristol grow into her own person. She is a wild child already. She is so feisty (I'm pretty sure that comes from Joe). She is a determined little person too. She knows what she wants (we are still trying to figure it out) and she will get it.
July 7, Joe and I celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary, something many people probably never thought we would ever see. Through everything we have been through this year we are stronger than ever. Yes we disagree and argue but who doesn't. We have held to our commitment to stick together through this, I look forward to spending many, many more years with him. We are dysfunctional but somehow it works.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
More decisions
Yet again we face decisions. They are never ending. Before the tornadoes in April I was contacted by Fox 6 news to do an interview on where we are at one year later. The tornadoes hit, we didn't have to make the decision, there were much bigger stories at hand. News is slowing down now and yet again we are contacted.
I trust the reporter, Joe is on the fence, he fears that our comments will be cut and pasted and turned into thoughts that we did not say. I really do not know how it will turn out but I pray that, for the news stations reputation, our words come out the way we intend for them and editing is minimal.
The reporter wanted to do a piece on beach safety, something Joe and I decided early on that we did not want to be the face of. Instead she is doing the piece on how we have come through this. Bristol will even make an appearance.
My hopes in doing this interview is to help someone, anyone, even if it is just one person. I also think that we do have a story to tell, our faith and commitment to each other has really gotten us through this last year.
Pray that this interview goes well for us, we all know how our luck is over the past year. If it weren't for bad luck we would not have any!
I trust the reporter, Joe is on the fence, he fears that our comments will be cut and pasted and turned into thoughts that we did not say. I really do not know how it will turn out but I pray that, for the news stations reputation, our words come out the way we intend for them and editing is minimal.
The reporter wanted to do a piece on beach safety, something Joe and I decided early on that we did not want to be the face of. Instead she is doing the piece on how we have come through this. Bristol will even make an appearance.
My hopes in doing this interview is to help someone, anyone, even if it is just one person. I also think that we do have a story to tell, our faith and commitment to each other has really gotten us through this last year.
Pray that this interview goes well for us, we all know how our luck is over the past year. If it weren't for bad luck we would not have any!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Our year
Well life is definitely busy around here. I forgot what it was like to have a baby in the house. Bristol is doing great. She's such a content baby. We couldn't be happier.
Our family has been visiting since her birth, a new member each week. My house is full and busy but it's all so welcome.
It has almost been a year. We have been juggeling with the idea of returning to the beach for the anniversary on the 2nd but I think we have finally made the decision to wait until September or so. I am in a happy place right now, I miss Kennedy so much more every day and I fear that if I go to the beach right now it will make me lose my momentum of healing.
We teach Bristol every day about Kennedy, we show her the pictures on the wall of her and I think that whenever we say her name she smiles a bit. My goal is for Bristol to know Kennedy the way we knew her. I struggle now and probably will until the time comes for us to explain to her what happened to her sister. I know that will be a difficult conversation.
This past year has been the hardest, saddest, joyous and happiest times. Looking back, I still cannot believe what has happened. I guess it is something that I will always look at as a bad nightmare. Dealing with the emotions of all of this, Kennedy's death and Bristol's birth, is trying. I am generally happy but still hurt so deeply for Kennedy. Time is healing our wounds but I know they will never be fully healed. That is ok with us, we are learning our new normal.
Our family has been visiting since her birth, a new member each week. My house is full and busy but it's all so welcome.
It has almost been a year. We have been juggeling with the idea of returning to the beach for the anniversary on the 2nd but I think we have finally made the decision to wait until September or so. I am in a happy place right now, I miss Kennedy so much more every day and I fear that if I go to the beach right now it will make me lose my momentum of healing.
We teach Bristol every day about Kennedy, we show her the pictures on the wall of her and I think that whenever we say her name she smiles a bit. My goal is for Bristol to know Kennedy the way we knew her. I struggle now and probably will until the time comes for us to explain to her what happened to her sister. I know that will be a difficult conversation.
This past year has been the hardest, saddest, joyous and happiest times. Looking back, I still cannot believe what has happened. I guess it is something that I will always look at as a bad nightmare. Dealing with the emotions of all of this, Kennedy's death and Bristol's birth, is trying. I am generally happy but still hurt so deeply for Kennedy. Time is healing our wounds but I know they will never be fully healed. That is ok with us, we are learning our new normal.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Catching my breath
She's here! Bristol was born on Sunday, May 15, 2011 at 1432, 6lbs 3 oz, 18" long. I had an amazingly easy labor and delivery, with the best coworkers/friends! Bristol is happy and healthy!
We couldn't be happier right now. It's amazing how you fall in love with someone you never even met so fast. Emotions hit me when I hit 9cm, I realized what I was in for, a huge episiotomy or tear and a painful recovery. I panicked a bit, but at 10cm, pushed with all my might, Bristol was here! I actually got to look down and see her being born, it was amazing. I have seen it a million times but this time it was different, she was mine and I was in love. I cried, happy tears and sad tears. Happy because there is a beautiful baby girl in my arms, sad because Kennedy wasn't with us to celebrate. Joe was amazed and in love too. Then his focus turned to the delivery of the placenta, lets just say the whole room got a tutorial from the doctor explaining how the placenta comes out. Then he saw it and said "I don't know how you women survive this, that looks like a deer stomach". Leave it to Joe to say something like that!
Bristol looks nothing like Kennedy when she was born, huge help. She is her own person. My doctor, who also delivered Kennedy, said it was a great thing for us that she looked totally different, I agree.
Everything I learned about newborns with Kennedy is out the window with Bristol. She is quiet, doesn't like to be swaddled, wants to cuddle and is breastfeeding so well. Kennedy was a spunky newborn, she was colicky, had to be swaddled, didn't care much to cuddle and did not breastfeed well. It's all so familiar yet so new to us.
Emotionally we are doing great, we miss Kennedy, we will never stop missing her, but we also feel that we were given what we needed, a sweet baby girl that wants our love. Joe made the comparison that Bristol is like a stray dog, she just wants to please us. Not a great comparison but it actually fits the situation.
People actually hold her, something I feared we would never let happen. Joe is still a germ-phobe and is 100% certain that hands are being washed before anyone gets within 10 feet of her, but that's Joe. As far as babysitting goes, not sure when we will let that happen, but we are definitely starting to move in a positive direction.
My posts will probably be few and far between for the next few weeks, school is kicking my butt this session and I really need to focus on it so I can finally finish this degree.
We couldn't be happier right now. It's amazing how you fall in love with someone you never even met so fast. Emotions hit me when I hit 9cm, I realized what I was in for, a huge episiotomy or tear and a painful recovery. I panicked a bit, but at 10cm, pushed with all my might, Bristol was here! I actually got to look down and see her being born, it was amazing. I have seen it a million times but this time it was different, she was mine and I was in love. I cried, happy tears and sad tears. Happy because there is a beautiful baby girl in my arms, sad because Kennedy wasn't with us to celebrate. Joe was amazed and in love too. Then his focus turned to the delivery of the placenta, lets just say the whole room got a tutorial from the doctor explaining how the placenta comes out. Then he saw it and said "I don't know how you women survive this, that looks like a deer stomach". Leave it to Joe to say something like that!
Bristol looks nothing like Kennedy when she was born, huge help. She is her own person. My doctor, who also delivered Kennedy, said it was a great thing for us that she looked totally different, I agree.
Everything I learned about newborns with Kennedy is out the window with Bristol. She is quiet, doesn't like to be swaddled, wants to cuddle and is breastfeeding so well. Kennedy was a spunky newborn, she was colicky, had to be swaddled, didn't care much to cuddle and did not breastfeed well. It's all so familiar yet so new to us.
Emotionally we are doing great, we miss Kennedy, we will never stop missing her, but we also feel that we were given what we needed, a sweet baby girl that wants our love. Joe made the comparison that Bristol is like a stray dog, she just wants to please us. Not a great comparison but it actually fits the situation.
People actually hold her, something I feared we would never let happen. Joe is still a germ-phobe and is 100% certain that hands are being washed before anyone gets within 10 feet of her, but that's Joe. As far as babysitting goes, not sure when we will let that happen, but we are definitely starting to move in a positive direction.
My posts will probably be few and far between for the next few weeks, school is kicking my butt this session and I really need to focus on it so I can finally finish this degree.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I'm baaaccckkkk!
Whew! What a crazy few weeks! I'm now almost 37 weeks pregnant and ready (so ready) to have this baby. The discomfort is driving me nuts, but I am no one to decide when she's ready to meet us. So I'll just keep on complaining.
Joe has recovered quickly from his little golf cart mishap. Thank goodness! Nothing broken, except his ego:).
I just started my second to last session of school. Only 16 weeks left! I am worn out and worry a lot about how I am going to do this when Bristol gets here. I was going to take this session off but after a pep talk from Joe I'm hitting it head on and still plan on finishing at the end of August.
This month marked 10 months since Kennedy's accident. I hate it, unfortunately time does move on and this is one of those things that we will always deal with.
April 27, 2011-WOW! We were warned of the strong possibility of very severe weather and tornadoes days in advance. I don't think anyone could have ever imagined just how severe it would get. This state is ravaged. Seeing pictures on TV and video does absolutely nothing for the shear force that these tornadoes brought. Seeing it for myself, up close and with my own eyes, made me realize that I never respected the destruction that a tornado could bring. I feel awful for everyone affected. Most lost everything. Imagine walking into your neighborhood and not even being able to figure out where your house was. The destruction is amazing. Somehow our county (Shelby) was spared, which made me thankful, because we probably would not be alive today if it weren't. We definitely were not prepared for an EF-5 tornado to directly hit us.
Joe and I spent sometime (with some friends of ours) handing out food and supplies. What we saw was nothing short of amazing. People who lost it all are HOPEFUL. They are walking around dazed but they are confident they will rebuild and are thankful for their lives. Their strength gives me hope, we may not have lost everything we owned but the loss of our daughter makes us feel that way. Seeing people continue on through tough times, makes me certain that we will also get through this, as hard as it is at times.
I am going to continue my efforts to collect any items that can be donated at a later time to these great people. The supply posts are packed full in the towns we were in, because those affected have no where to take the stuff to. The need will be great in a few months when they are rebuilding.
I must say that I am really proud to call Alabama home.
Joe has recovered quickly from his little golf cart mishap. Thank goodness! Nothing broken, except his ego:).
I just started my second to last session of school. Only 16 weeks left! I am worn out and worry a lot about how I am going to do this when Bristol gets here. I was going to take this session off but after a pep talk from Joe I'm hitting it head on and still plan on finishing at the end of August.
This month marked 10 months since Kennedy's accident. I hate it, unfortunately time does move on and this is one of those things that we will always deal with.
April 27, 2011-WOW! We were warned of the strong possibility of very severe weather and tornadoes days in advance. I don't think anyone could have ever imagined just how severe it would get. This state is ravaged. Seeing pictures on TV and video does absolutely nothing for the shear force that these tornadoes brought. Seeing it for myself, up close and with my own eyes, made me realize that I never respected the destruction that a tornado could bring. I feel awful for everyone affected. Most lost everything. Imagine walking into your neighborhood and not even being able to figure out where your house was. The destruction is amazing. Somehow our county (Shelby) was spared, which made me thankful, because we probably would not be alive today if it weren't. We definitely were not prepared for an EF-5 tornado to directly hit us.
Joe and I spent sometime (with some friends of ours) handing out food and supplies. What we saw was nothing short of amazing. People who lost it all are HOPEFUL. They are walking around dazed but they are confident they will rebuild and are thankful for their lives. Their strength gives me hope, we may not have lost everything we owned but the loss of our daughter makes us feel that way. Seeing people continue on through tough times, makes me certain that we will also get through this, as hard as it is at times.
I am going to continue my efforts to collect any items that can be donated at a later time to these great people. The supply posts are packed full in the towns we were in, because those affected have no where to take the stuff to. The need will be great in a few months when they are rebuilding.
I must say that I am really proud to call Alabama home.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Defects and Karma
I know I have blogged about this before but here I go again. We have the most defective animals!
Xander the Doberman saw a hot air balloon fly over our house this Saturday and got scared to death!. He is a 100+ pound baby. He sat shaking in his kennel for hours and almost a week later he is still scared to go outside without Joe or I. Seriously! His OCD caused him to lick a hot spot on his paw, not sure what to do about that.
Max is Max. He's the 11 year old pug. He cannot hear a thing but he and Xander somehow communicate when it's time to eat and Max teases Xander so much so that Xander acts like he's going to eat him. Max whines ALL the time. I yell at him to stop, but what good does it do, he can't hear me! He spends his days sleeping, whining and going in and outside continuously.
Bird. OH MY! She's always had issues! She spends 90% of her time sitting in the corner of the bottom of her cage doing nothing but squaking. She has recently become super destructive and vicious. She tears her cage apart all the time. Ladder gets ripped off, food and water covers torn off and thrown across the cage. We fix them and she tears it back up. The other night I decided to put my finger by her cage (yes I was teasing her) she pecked at my finger! Several times! I don't have any idea what shes so mad about, we are pretty nice to her. If she wasn't Kennedy's Bird I would seriously think about giving her away, it's just hard to part with her right now.
Karma. I believe that if you are a good person, then good things happen to you, If you are a bad person then bad things will happen. This week I got to thinking, what have I done that was so bad in this life to have my daughter taken from me? Surely it had to be something big, but I really would be able to remember that. Right?
Had a doctor appointment yesterday, my BP was ok, go figure! I spent a week feeling like crap, only to wake up on Wednesday, the day of my appointment to feeling great. Not that I wanted to feel bad but I think it would have made me feel not so crazy. My doctor frightened me, she asked me if I was going to counseling. Told her no, I haven't been in forever. She got super concerned and fearful almost for me. It worried me, it was a very serious conversation. Does she know or see something I don't see? Regardless, I made an appointment with our counselor. It can't hurt at this point. There really are a lot of mixed emotions right now. Happy, for a new baby. Sad, because Kennedy isn't here. Anxiety, can we safely raise Bristol? Anger, that this really happened to us.
Joe has been in a hole lately and really worried me. I know he is going through his own difficulties with this. Counseling will help us tremendously!
Xander the Doberman saw a hot air balloon fly over our house this Saturday and got scared to death!. He is a 100+ pound baby. He sat shaking in his kennel for hours and almost a week later he is still scared to go outside without Joe or I. Seriously! His OCD caused him to lick a hot spot on his paw, not sure what to do about that.
Max is Max. He's the 11 year old pug. He cannot hear a thing but he and Xander somehow communicate when it's time to eat and Max teases Xander so much so that Xander acts like he's going to eat him. Max whines ALL the time. I yell at him to stop, but what good does it do, he can't hear me! He spends his days sleeping, whining and going in and outside continuously.
Bird. OH MY! She's always had issues! She spends 90% of her time sitting in the corner of the bottom of her cage doing nothing but squaking. She has recently become super destructive and vicious. She tears her cage apart all the time. Ladder gets ripped off, food and water covers torn off and thrown across the cage. We fix them and she tears it back up. The other night I decided to put my finger by her cage (yes I was teasing her) she pecked at my finger! Several times! I don't have any idea what shes so mad about, we are pretty nice to her. If she wasn't Kennedy's Bird I would seriously think about giving her away, it's just hard to part with her right now.
Karma. I believe that if you are a good person, then good things happen to you, If you are a bad person then bad things will happen. This week I got to thinking, what have I done that was so bad in this life to have my daughter taken from me? Surely it had to be something big, but I really would be able to remember that. Right?
Had a doctor appointment yesterday, my BP was ok, go figure! I spent a week feeling like crap, only to wake up on Wednesday, the day of my appointment to feeling great. Not that I wanted to feel bad but I think it would have made me feel not so crazy. My doctor frightened me, she asked me if I was going to counseling. Told her no, I haven't been in forever. She got super concerned and fearful almost for me. It worried me, it was a very serious conversation. Does she know or see something I don't see? Regardless, I made an appointment with our counselor. It can't hurt at this point. There really are a lot of mixed emotions right now. Happy, for a new baby. Sad, because Kennedy isn't here. Anxiety, can we safely raise Bristol? Anger, that this really happened to us.
Joe has been in a hole lately and really worried me. I know he is going through his own difficulties with this. Counseling will help us tremendously!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Difficult days
So I have felt terrible for the last few days. Woke up the other day and my face and hands were swollen, my fingers so much that I could barely bend them. I decided to check my BP, it was elevated, not alarmingly elevated but definitely higher than my usual 110's over 60's. I called the doctor, who told me to rest. Really? Resting on a Wednesday is impossible for me, it's always a very busy day at the office for me and I had a million other things to do. Ugh! I ended up going to the office and working for just about an hour or so and then home to lay on my perch. I guess the rest helped me some, I woke up this morning less swollen but still running higher BP's. Thankfully, other than being so tired, I have no other crazy symptoms. Work should be so much fun this weekend. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday, hopefully things will be better by then.
I managed to get a little ahead of my game with my school work. Turned a paper in today that wasn't due until Sunday, that's a big accomplishment for me. Also worked on another paper that's not due until NEXT Sunday, this is an even bigger accomplishment for me. Only three weeks left of this semester! Woo Hoo!
Yesterday I realized that I am alone in this world. Everyone is so consumed with their day to day affairs and habits that they rarely have time for themselves, let alone to listen to someone complaining about how sad they are. Its amazing how so many people were "there for us" when the shit hit the fan this summer but as time goes on, we end up being dropped from their lives when we need them the most. Our road to a normal life will never be easy, nor will it ever be normal. I hate the fact that I know that for the rest of my life I will deal with pain, it will be worse at times and less at others but nonetheless, it will be there.
My life will be faced with decisions, difficult decisions, but none as difficult as the decisions that I made that led up to Kennedy's accident.
My bad days are bad lately, my good days are days that I can stop the stream of tears. I know that this will all get better with time but unfortunately time just doesn't seem to be on my side anymore either.
I managed to get a little ahead of my game with my school work. Turned a paper in today that wasn't due until Sunday, that's a big accomplishment for me. Also worked on another paper that's not due until NEXT Sunday, this is an even bigger accomplishment for me. Only three weeks left of this semester! Woo Hoo!
Yesterday I realized that I am alone in this world. Everyone is so consumed with their day to day affairs and habits that they rarely have time for themselves, let alone to listen to someone complaining about how sad they are. Its amazing how so many people were "there for us" when the shit hit the fan this summer but as time goes on, we end up being dropped from their lives when we need them the most. Our road to a normal life will never be easy, nor will it ever be normal. I hate the fact that I know that for the rest of my life I will deal with pain, it will be worse at times and less at others but nonetheless, it will be there.
My life will be faced with decisions, difficult decisions, but none as difficult as the decisions that I made that led up to Kennedy's accident.
My bad days are bad lately, my good days are days that I can stop the stream of tears. I know that this will all get better with time but unfortunately time just doesn't seem to be on my side anymore either.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Me, Myself, and I
I'm not really sure what is going on. I have been on this selfish spiral lately. All things are about me. I'm tired. My ankles hurt. I want this, I want that. I'm not sure if this is part of the grief process or pregnancy or just me being ridiculous. It's funny that when I get on one of these rants Joe just ignores me. He doesn't feed into it, he just plays his video game and lets me carry on about me.
I am also blaming myself for Kennedy's accident. This is new. Up until this point I called it an unpreventable accident and blamed no one. Now I blame myself, all the things I could have done differently years ago to prevent this. I know in my heart that this was an accident but I feel so much better blaming myself. I am guessing this is just another phase of grief. Maybe I should get my butt back to counseling...
I am also feeling completely inadequate in the sense that I want to make something positive of this situation but have no idea where to start. Adoption for us is not an option right now, being the face of beach safety is not an option either. What can I do? Start a memorial fund? There is a nonprofit organization that will set one up for us free of charge and handle all of the business end of it. But who does it benefit? Drowning victims? Then I go back to my selfishness, our business is struggling, our finances are a mess, how do I ask people to donate money to our fund when I can't donate to theirs?
I spent well over an hour at Kennedy's columbarium yesterday eating lunch, thinking and crying. All I could focus on was how much I miss her, how I never brought her to OLV church and how she is laid to rest in an unfamiliar place.
Joe seems to really be dealing with me well. I've managed to say some ugly things to him, which were meant to blame me, but he took it as me blaming him. He really just ignores me and chalks it up to a bad day I guess or crazy pregnancy hormones. I think as Bristol's delivery date gets closer we are getting more and more anxious. We both want what is best for her but how do we do that without letting her out of our sight?
On a completely different note, I had my 30 week check up this week. All is well. Strong heartbeat. Measuring on time. My weight gain has picked up full force. Sorry Brookwood L&D, you got a biggun' delivering in a few weeks.
My book writing has really suffered this month. My laptop crashed and I am unable to mentally fight with the laptop trying to retreive the file. It's very exhausting and frustrating fighting with something that is a whole lot smarter than I will ever be. I am hoping to get back to it full force in April.
I am also blaming myself for Kennedy's accident. This is new. Up until this point I called it an unpreventable accident and blamed no one. Now I blame myself, all the things I could have done differently years ago to prevent this. I know in my heart that this was an accident but I feel so much better blaming myself. I am guessing this is just another phase of grief. Maybe I should get my butt back to counseling...
I am also feeling completely inadequate in the sense that I want to make something positive of this situation but have no idea where to start. Adoption for us is not an option right now, being the face of beach safety is not an option either. What can I do? Start a memorial fund? There is a nonprofit organization that will set one up for us free of charge and handle all of the business end of it. But who does it benefit? Drowning victims? Then I go back to my selfishness, our business is struggling, our finances are a mess, how do I ask people to donate money to our fund when I can't donate to theirs?
I spent well over an hour at Kennedy's columbarium yesterday eating lunch, thinking and crying. All I could focus on was how much I miss her, how I never brought her to OLV church and how she is laid to rest in an unfamiliar place.
Joe seems to really be dealing with me well. I've managed to say some ugly things to him, which were meant to blame me, but he took it as me blaming him. He really just ignores me and chalks it up to a bad day I guess or crazy pregnancy hormones. I think as Bristol's delivery date gets closer we are getting more and more anxious. We both want what is best for her but how do we do that without letting her out of our sight?
On a completely different note, I had my 30 week check up this week. All is well. Strong heartbeat. Measuring on time. My weight gain has picked up full force. Sorry Brookwood L&D, you got a biggun' delivering in a few weeks.
My book writing has really suffered this month. My laptop crashed and I am unable to mentally fight with the laptop trying to retreive the file. It's very exhausting and frustrating fighting with something that is a whole lot smarter than I will ever be. I am hoping to get back to it full force in April.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sealing up the memories
Today has been a successful day for me. I have really got a lot done. A great friend/co-worker gave me a cedar hope chest to store Kennedy's things in. The piles that were all over her and Bristol's bedroom are now neatly stored in my bedroom. I even manged to touch her baby book, something I could not do until now. It felt good to get this stuff organized once and for all. I am finally getting much more comfortable in their bedroom. Kennedy's influence is still present in that bedroom but I now feel comfortable in saying that Bristol can call it her own bedroom. I still need to find one more chest/trunk thing to put Kennedy's bed linens in and her dirty clothes from the week before the accident. The cedar chest will fit them but it is cedar and I just cannot bear the thought of the clothes that smell like her, smelling like cedar.
Joe's mother and sister bought us a ton of girls clothes. I went through four boxes today and hung and put away every single piece. I think I'm nesting. I have this urge to clean and organize EVERYTHING! Unfortunately today though, I am contracting every time I move around too much.
Today starts my 3rd session of school. Only two more sessions to go. I'm thinking though that this semester may be the most involved. The projects that I have to do are overwhelming just to read about. I am at least relieved to know the end is now in sight.
While opening the boxes today with my pair of kitchen scissors, I was reminded of a memory of when Kennedy would try to open something and have a hard time with it, she would go over to the silverware drawer and get the scissors out. It was like she knew what she was doing. She was so independent and was ticked at us when we moved those scissors out of her reach. I am glad my memory allows me to remember those sweet details.
Joe's mother and sister bought us a ton of girls clothes. I went through four boxes today and hung and put away every single piece. I think I'm nesting. I have this urge to clean and organize EVERYTHING! Unfortunately today though, I am contracting every time I move around too much.
Today starts my 3rd session of school. Only two more sessions to go. I'm thinking though that this semester may be the most involved. The projects that I have to do are overwhelming just to read about. I am at least relieved to know the end is now in sight.
While opening the boxes today with my pair of kitchen scissors, I was reminded of a memory of when Kennedy would try to open something and have a hard time with it, she would go over to the silverware drawer and get the scissors out. It was like she knew what she was doing. She was so independent and was ticked at us when we moved those scissors out of her reach. I am glad my memory allows me to remember those sweet details.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Healing
This week has been absolutely beautiful weather wise. I sat on the driveway and watched Joe plant some shrubs and soaked up the sun for a few minutes, only to be saddened because, if Kennedy were still here, she would and should have been out there with me. This is just another one of those firsts that I keep experiencing. They are hard but I manage to get through them. I had to put away the visual image of her toys strewn all over the driveway and the million chalk drawings that would normally be scattered everywhere.
I seem to be having so many more emotional days, it has to be my hormones. I cry at the silliest things and then I can't stop. I guess it goes with the territory.
Today I did something I have been putting off for so long. I went to Kennedy's Mother's Day Out to visit. I worried that I would fall into a heap as soon as I walked in. Thankfully, because of the pretty weather, everyone was outside. I took a deep breath, got out of my car and walked over to that playground. It was hard to not see Kennedy at the top of the slide or playing with one of her classmates but I managed. I spoke to all of the great teachers at that school, they were awesome with all the kids, Kennedy included. She loved going to school as much as I loved the break.
I knew there was a mural painted at some point during last school year and Kennedy's hand print was used to make a flower. I went in that building, I didn't fall to a heap on the floor, took a picture of the hand print and was proud of my baby for making the only smudgy hand print on that whole wall. It was her, she was a mess. That hand print means so much to me, I had a casting kit from very soon after she was born but just never found the time to cast her print.
Down the entire length of the hallway, Ms. Michelle, painted a summer/spring beautiful mural with birds, and flowers and green grass. In this mural is a picture of a little girl with pig tails, carrying a lunch box, with the monogram KHA, wearing cute red boots (with the Alabama logo). The thought that her teachers keep her in their memory was amazing to me. I know they remember her but to memorialize her in such a way was so much more than I could ever ask for. I teared up in that hallway. I am forever grateful for them!
I got to see some of Kennedy's old classmates, they grew up so much, it helped me to visualize what Kennedy would be like today. I miss her and everything about her and truly hate that she is not here anymore, she was the perfect kid! I have been juggling back and forth again with the "why us?" The only solution I could come up with is that somehow, someway I/we will make a positive difference in this world, dealing with this tragedy has given me such a different perspective on life and just how precious it is. Someday when I know what that calling is I will share it with all of you.
Here are the pictures I took:
I seem to be having so many more emotional days, it has to be my hormones. I cry at the silliest things and then I can't stop. I guess it goes with the territory.
Today I did something I have been putting off for so long. I went to Kennedy's Mother's Day Out to visit. I worried that I would fall into a heap as soon as I walked in. Thankfully, because of the pretty weather, everyone was outside. I took a deep breath, got out of my car and walked over to that playground. It was hard to not see Kennedy at the top of the slide or playing with one of her classmates but I managed. I spoke to all of the great teachers at that school, they were awesome with all the kids, Kennedy included. She loved going to school as much as I loved the break.
I knew there was a mural painted at some point during last school year and Kennedy's hand print was used to make a flower. I went in that building, I didn't fall to a heap on the floor, took a picture of the hand print and was proud of my baby for making the only smudgy hand print on that whole wall. It was her, she was a mess. That hand print means so much to me, I had a casting kit from very soon after she was born but just never found the time to cast her print.
Down the entire length of the hallway, Ms. Michelle, painted a summer/spring beautiful mural with birds, and flowers and green grass. In this mural is a picture of a little girl with pig tails, carrying a lunch box, with the monogram KHA, wearing cute red boots (with the Alabama logo). The thought that her teachers keep her in their memory was amazing to me. I know they remember her but to memorialize her in such a way was so much more than I could ever ask for. I teared up in that hallway. I am forever grateful for them!
I got to see some of Kennedy's old classmates, they grew up so much, it helped me to visualize what Kennedy would be like today. I miss her and everything about her and truly hate that she is not here anymore, she was the perfect kid! I have been juggling back and forth again with the "why us?" The only solution I could come up with is that somehow, someway I/we will make a positive difference in this world, dealing with this tragedy has given me such a different perspective on life and just how precious it is. Someday when I know what that calling is I will share it with all of you.
Here are the pictures I took:
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