I am so enjoying seeing the new smiles that Bristol comes up with every day. She's such a happy girl. They are so innocent and pure. She is so happy in this world. It is hard for me to not think about Kennedy's smile. It was so adorable but rarely caught on camera. She would smile so big until I pulled that camera out and then we got the serious face. The rare pictures I have of her smiling or smirking are such a treasure.
The smiles that my girls have given me are heartwarming and consoling, I just don't know what I would do without them.
Seeing them smile, makes me smile. With Kennedy, I smile for the times remembered with her. With Bristol, I smile for the times we have yet to create.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Birthdays and Beach trips
This month is a busy month, lots of birthday's. Kennedy's is one of them. August 26 is just as painful of a date as July 2 is. What do we do to commemorate it? Last year I was in such a fog/state of shock that we had a big celebration and I barely remember it or planning for it. I don't want to in 10, 15, 20 years celebrate the day by simply saying "Happy Birthday Kennedy". To me August 26 will always be her birthday and will always require a remembrance of some sort. Do I have another party with a cake and act like she is still here on this earth? It seems so strange to do that but it's not like I can go to Heaven and have a party for her up there. I am totally OK with being the crazy, grieving mother that still has a birthday party for her daughter every year but I now have Bristol to consider. Will she think this is completely weird? Right now she doesn't know what day is what, but I really don't want to mess her up. We'll all be in therapy together!
Aaaah the beach! After being tortured with every one's beach pictures and hearing about their awesome trips to the beach, we have finally planned a trip in September. We are not staying in Orange Beach but do plan on visiting there. I love the beach, so does Joe. It is killing us to be away from it and at the same time it's so painful. It's still hard for me to see a picture or video of waves crashing. I think this is one of those things that we HAVE to do to get over all of our fears.
By the way, three more weeks of school!!!! Woo Hoo! I have no idea how I did it!
Aaaah the beach! After being tortured with every one's beach pictures and hearing about their awesome trips to the beach, we have finally planned a trip in September. We are not staying in Orange Beach but do plan on visiting there. I love the beach, so does Joe. It is killing us to be away from it and at the same time it's so painful. It's still hard for me to see a picture or video of waves crashing. I think this is one of those things that we HAVE to do to get over all of our fears.
By the way, three more weeks of school!!!! Woo Hoo! I have no idea how I did it!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Bad Dream
As happy as Bristol makes me, I still feel like I am living in a bad dream. My life feels foggy, did all of this really happen? I still cannot believe it. I have been thinking about Kennedy so much these days. Every memory of her is a painful gift. I love to remember the sound of her screaming and crying at the pediatrician's office, how she looked with her thumb in her mouth, especially when she would smile with that thumb there, how she was turning into a beautiful little girl, wearing her tutu, playing with her hair that she just realized was there. All of these things are things that people seem to take for granted. No parent ever wants their child to throw a tantrum in Publix, I always dreaded that, now I would do anything to have her throwing her worst fit in there. As Bristol is growing, it is hard to not compare her to Kennedy. I guess having a second child makes you do that.
I will never wake up from this bad dream, this nightmare. My only reprieve is that I learn how to live with it. Some days I feel like I am coping so well, others not so well.
I will never wake up from this bad dream, this nightmare. My only reprieve is that I learn how to live with it. Some days I feel like I am coping so well, others not so well.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
This week I returned back to work from maternity leave. I was panicked at the thought of Joe sleeping with Bristol and basically taking care of her all weekend without my help. He did fine, his hair was on end at the end of day 1 and his eyes were purple from lack of sleep but he managed. I panicked for nothing. Day 2 they did much better and I am at ease now. He's a great daddy and I am lucky to have him.
Being back to work was great. I needed it. I complain about working all the time but I know that I will be a better mom for it. I need the time away. With my return to work I pledged to myself that I will not take any more time off, no more leave of absences! This year was filled with them and now I want to try and get back to somewhat of a normal life.
Bristol is growing so fast. We love her so much. Her smiles are so heartwarming and give us such a calm feeling. I could (and usually do) hold her all day and snuggle. We tell her about her Sissy all the time but I think she already knows all about her!
Being back to work was great. I needed it. I complain about working all the time but I know that I will be a better mom for it. I need the time away. With my return to work I pledged to myself that I will not take any more time off, no more leave of absences! This year was filled with them and now I want to try and get back to somewhat of a normal life.
Bristol is growing so fast. We love her so much. Her smiles are so heartwarming and give us such a calm feeling. I could (and usually do) hold her all day and snuggle. We tell her about her Sissy all the time but I think she already knows all about her!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Where we have been; Where we are going
This year has been the most difficult year of our lives, we faced a tragedy that no one should ever have to face. We have been through the depths of Hell from the moment we heard the awful news up until now. We have been through the emotions of welcoming Bristol into a world that we are not so sure of. We have been up and down every emotional roller coaster there is to offer. We have been close to ending our lives, only to think enough about it that we don't because that won't ever get us to see Kennedy again. We have been across the country to clear our heads, we have sat quietly in the shower crying. We have been through countless sleepless nights. We have been through the best dreams and the worst nightmares.
Where we are going is definitely a mystery. We have plans. Plans to raise Bristol safely. Plans to re-grow our business, plans to cry when we need to. Over this year I have come to realize that our plans don't ever seem to work out. We planned to the leave the beach Friday morning, unfortunately it was a plan we didn't stick to.
We each have our goals. My number one goal is provide as much love as I have to offer to Bristol and raise her to know her sister like we did. I also plan to work diligently on my book over the next few months and hope to have it in print by NEXT Christmas. It is a far off date but I never realized all that goes into it, it's very time consuming. In 8 short weeks I will be done with my bachelor's degree in Nursing. I hope to take off until January 2012, to return for my Master's. This has been a long time goal of mine and it now finally seems reachable.
Many people have asked if we plan on having more kids. That answer is yes. When? I have no idea. I have said a thousand times if I could have a baby without having to actually go through pregnancy I would do it every day. I am just not a good pregnant person, I'm whiny, I gain way to much weight and I get super selfish.
I look forward so much to watching Bristol grow into her own person. She is a wild child already. She is so feisty (I'm pretty sure that comes from Joe). She is a determined little person too. She knows what she wants (we are still trying to figure it out) and she will get it.
July 7, Joe and I celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary, something many people probably never thought we would ever see. Through everything we have been through this year we are stronger than ever. Yes we disagree and argue but who doesn't. We have held to our commitment to stick together through this, I look forward to spending many, many more years with him. We are dysfunctional but somehow it works.
Where we are going is definitely a mystery. We have plans. Plans to raise Bristol safely. Plans to re-grow our business, plans to cry when we need to. Over this year I have come to realize that our plans don't ever seem to work out. We planned to the leave the beach Friday morning, unfortunately it was a plan we didn't stick to.
We each have our goals. My number one goal is provide as much love as I have to offer to Bristol and raise her to know her sister like we did. I also plan to work diligently on my book over the next few months and hope to have it in print by NEXT Christmas. It is a far off date but I never realized all that goes into it, it's very time consuming. In 8 short weeks I will be done with my bachelor's degree in Nursing. I hope to take off until January 2012, to return for my Master's. This has been a long time goal of mine and it now finally seems reachable.
Many people have asked if we plan on having more kids. That answer is yes. When? I have no idea. I have said a thousand times if I could have a baby without having to actually go through pregnancy I would do it every day. I am just not a good pregnant person, I'm whiny, I gain way to much weight and I get super selfish.
I look forward so much to watching Bristol grow into her own person. She is a wild child already. She is so feisty (I'm pretty sure that comes from Joe). She is a determined little person too. She knows what she wants (we are still trying to figure it out) and she will get it.
July 7, Joe and I celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary, something many people probably never thought we would ever see. Through everything we have been through this year we are stronger than ever. Yes we disagree and argue but who doesn't. We have held to our commitment to stick together through this, I look forward to spending many, many more years with him. We are dysfunctional but somehow it works.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
More decisions
Yet again we face decisions. They are never ending. Before the tornadoes in April I was contacted by Fox 6 news to do an interview on where we are at one year later. The tornadoes hit, we didn't have to make the decision, there were much bigger stories at hand. News is slowing down now and yet again we are contacted.
I trust the reporter, Joe is on the fence, he fears that our comments will be cut and pasted and turned into thoughts that we did not say. I really do not know how it will turn out but I pray that, for the news stations reputation, our words come out the way we intend for them and editing is minimal.
The reporter wanted to do a piece on beach safety, something Joe and I decided early on that we did not want to be the face of. Instead she is doing the piece on how we have come through this. Bristol will even make an appearance.
My hopes in doing this interview is to help someone, anyone, even if it is just one person. I also think that we do have a story to tell, our faith and commitment to each other has really gotten us through this last year.
Pray that this interview goes well for us, we all know how our luck is over the past year. If it weren't for bad luck we would not have any!
I trust the reporter, Joe is on the fence, he fears that our comments will be cut and pasted and turned into thoughts that we did not say. I really do not know how it will turn out but I pray that, for the news stations reputation, our words come out the way we intend for them and editing is minimal.
The reporter wanted to do a piece on beach safety, something Joe and I decided early on that we did not want to be the face of. Instead she is doing the piece on how we have come through this. Bristol will even make an appearance.
My hopes in doing this interview is to help someone, anyone, even if it is just one person. I also think that we do have a story to tell, our faith and commitment to each other has really gotten us through this last year.
Pray that this interview goes well for us, we all know how our luck is over the past year. If it weren't for bad luck we would not have any!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Our year
Well life is definitely busy around here. I forgot what it was like to have a baby in the house. Bristol is doing great. She's such a content baby. We couldn't be happier.
Our family has been visiting since her birth, a new member each week. My house is full and busy but it's all so welcome.
It has almost been a year. We have been juggeling with the idea of returning to the beach for the anniversary on the 2nd but I think we have finally made the decision to wait until September or so. I am in a happy place right now, I miss Kennedy so much more every day and I fear that if I go to the beach right now it will make me lose my momentum of healing.
We teach Bristol every day about Kennedy, we show her the pictures on the wall of her and I think that whenever we say her name she smiles a bit. My goal is for Bristol to know Kennedy the way we knew her. I struggle now and probably will until the time comes for us to explain to her what happened to her sister. I know that will be a difficult conversation.
This past year has been the hardest, saddest, joyous and happiest times. Looking back, I still cannot believe what has happened. I guess it is something that I will always look at as a bad nightmare. Dealing with the emotions of all of this, Kennedy's death and Bristol's birth, is trying. I am generally happy but still hurt so deeply for Kennedy. Time is healing our wounds but I know they will never be fully healed. That is ok with us, we are learning our new normal.
Our family has been visiting since her birth, a new member each week. My house is full and busy but it's all so welcome.
It has almost been a year. We have been juggeling with the idea of returning to the beach for the anniversary on the 2nd but I think we have finally made the decision to wait until September or so. I am in a happy place right now, I miss Kennedy so much more every day and I fear that if I go to the beach right now it will make me lose my momentum of healing.
We teach Bristol every day about Kennedy, we show her the pictures on the wall of her and I think that whenever we say her name she smiles a bit. My goal is for Bristol to know Kennedy the way we knew her. I struggle now and probably will until the time comes for us to explain to her what happened to her sister. I know that will be a difficult conversation.
This past year has been the hardest, saddest, joyous and happiest times. Looking back, I still cannot believe what has happened. I guess it is something that I will always look at as a bad nightmare. Dealing with the emotions of all of this, Kennedy's death and Bristol's birth, is trying. I am generally happy but still hurt so deeply for Kennedy. Time is healing our wounds but I know they will never be fully healed. That is ok with us, we are learning our new normal.
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