So I have felt terrible for the last few days. Woke up the other day and my face and hands were swollen, my fingers so much that I could barely bend them. I decided to check my BP, it was elevated, not alarmingly elevated but definitely higher than my usual 110's over 60's. I called the doctor, who told me to rest. Really? Resting on a Wednesday is impossible for me, it's always a very busy day at the office for me and I had a million other things to do. Ugh! I ended up going to the office and working for just about an hour or so and then home to lay on my perch. I guess the rest helped me some, I woke up this morning less swollen but still running higher BP's. Thankfully, other than being so tired, I have no other crazy symptoms. Work should be so much fun this weekend. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday, hopefully things will be better by then.
I managed to get a little ahead of my game with my school work. Turned a paper in today that wasn't due until Sunday, that's a big accomplishment for me. Also worked on another paper that's not due until NEXT Sunday, this is an even bigger accomplishment for me. Only three weeks left of this semester! Woo Hoo!
Yesterday I realized that I am alone in this world. Everyone is so consumed with their day to day affairs and habits that they rarely have time for themselves, let alone to listen to someone complaining about how sad they are. Its amazing how so many people were "there for us" when the shit hit the fan this summer but as time goes on, we end up being dropped from their lives when we need them the most. Our road to a normal life will never be easy, nor will it ever be normal. I hate the fact that I know that for the rest of my life I will deal with pain, it will be worse at times and less at others but nonetheless, it will be there.
My life will be faced with decisions, difficult decisions, but none as difficult as the decisions that I made that led up to Kennedy's accident.
My bad days are bad lately, my good days are days that I can stop the stream of tears. I know that this will all get better with time but unfortunately time just doesn't seem to be on my side anymore either.
I am April Dowdey's Mom and she shared with me your blog (hope you don't mind).
ReplyDeleteI have been reading some of your posts, but most of all you and your family have been in my prayers. I do not know what or how you are feeling but I do know the grief I felt and still feeling with the death of April's sister, Staci at age 26 of colon cancer. I felt I had to respond to this post because of the many true statements you stated. I would love to talk to you if you would also like this. My cell is 908-7353 and you are welcome to call whenever. May God's Blessings be upon you and your family, Rosemary
May God comfort you as only He can during these difficult days and all those to come. Thinking of your family always...
ReplyDeleteBecky I really do know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.I BURIED TWO INFANTS AND THOUGHT THAT HAD TO BE THE WORSE PAIN AND HEARTACHE I WOULD EVER HAVE TO ENDURE ..... GOD HELP ME I WAS SOOOOOO WRONG. I LEARNED TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN OF LOOSING DUANE BARRY AND SCOTTIE BUT I NEVER FORGET.LOOSING MARC CHRISTMAS EVE HAS CHANGED ME FOREVER. I TOO FEEL SO ALONE AND THE EMPTINESS IS UNBEARABLE. BUT I KNOW THAT I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO TRY DESPERATELY TO FIND THE STRENGTH AND REASONS TO GO ON.BECKY IT WILL NEVER BE EASY .....I CAN NOT IMAGINE ACTUALLY CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS AGAIN.RACHELLE AND HOLLY'S BIRTHDAYS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT FOR THE FAMILY. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF...YOU WILL FIND THE STRENGTH!!!! YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE A LOVING WONDERFUL FAMILY AND BLESSED WITH FRIENDS THAT LOVE AND CARE ABOUT YOU. I HOPE AND PRAY THAT WE BOTH FIND A WAY TO FIND SOME HAPPINESS AND LEARN TO SMILE WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY.I WISH I KNEW THE PERFECT WORDS TO SAY TO EASE YOUR PAIN...BUT IF THE WORDS ARE OUT THERE I HAVE NOT HEARD OR FOUND THEM YET. I THINK OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY OFTEN.
ReplyDelete