Monday, February 28, 2011

Sealing up the memories

Today has been a successful day for me. I have really got a lot done. A great friend/co-worker gave me a cedar hope chest to store Kennedy's things in. The piles that were all over her and Bristol's bedroom are now neatly stored in my bedroom. I even manged to touch her baby book, something I could not do until now. It felt good to get this stuff organized once and for all. I am finally getting much more comfortable in their bedroom. Kennedy's influence is still present in that bedroom but I now feel comfortable in saying that Bristol can call it her own bedroom. I still need to find one more chest/trunk thing to put Kennedy's bed linens in and her dirty clothes from the week before the accident. The cedar chest will fit them but it is cedar and I just cannot bear the thought of the clothes that smell like her, smelling like cedar.

Joe's mother and sister bought us a ton of girls clothes. I went through four boxes today and hung and put away every single piece. I think I'm nesting. I have this urge to clean and organize EVERYTHING! Unfortunately today though, I am contracting every time I move around too much.

Today starts my 3rd session of school. Only two more sessions to go. I'm thinking though that this semester may be the most involved. The projects that I have to do are overwhelming just to read about. I am at least relieved to know the end is now in sight.

While opening the boxes today with my pair of kitchen scissors, I was reminded of a memory of when Kennedy would try to open something and have a hard time with it, she would go over to the silverware drawer and get the scissors out. It was like she knew what she was doing. She was so independent and was ticked at us when we moved those scissors out of her reach. I am glad my memory allows me to remember those sweet details.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dreams and Anniversary's

Things have been pretty quiet here. Calm before the storm? Let's hope not. I am a bit jealous of Joe. He has had several dreams about Kennedy but I have not had a single one. Why does he get the dreams? I want one too. I've never really been a big dreamer, I guess I just don't remember them. The vivid details that Joe describes to me about seeing Kennedy in these dreams makes me so sad. He gets to hug her again, I don't, he got to see her at a much older age, I don't. I only get to hear about them after listening to him moan and almost cry all night long. I always know when he's had one, his sleep is a mess those nights. I can feel his pain in each cry.

The only dream I have had recently, that I remember, is that Bristol was born without a head. I have heard about the crazy dreams that one can have during pregnancy, but really wasn't expecting that. She has a head, I saw it! What am I thinking? So silly.

While shopping this week in Wal-mart I walked down the Easter aisle. Already? I have now realized that holidays are hard. Not just for me but for so many others. Unfortunately it is sad that we relate a holiday to the death of a person but we do. Deaths seem to happen around the holidays a lot. Easter is definitely going to be a holiday that I know brings friends of mine to their knees. It makes me wonder how we can be so "happy" when the holidays roll around. July 4th and fireworks will never be the same for me. It's hard to even look at fireworks on TV. We were supposed to be watching them with Kennedy that weekend. She called them 'firetrucks'.

Joe and I have also tossed up renewing our wedding vows. Our anniversary is July 7(it will be 10 years this year). We forgot about it this year until late that day when Joe said to me "wow, some anniversary". Dates to me at that time were non-existent. I just cannot see how we will celebrate anything around that time. I wish that money were not an option and we could go away for the entire month.

Please think of others when you are enjoying your holidays or celebrations, so many of us out here are hurting during these times.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


This week has been absolutely beautiful weather wise. I sat on the driveway and watched Joe plant some shrubs and soaked up the sun for a few minutes, only to be saddened because, if Kennedy were still here, she would and should have been out there with me. This is just another one of those firsts that I keep experiencing. They are hard but I manage to get through them. I had to put away the visual image of her toys strewn all over the driveway and the million chalk drawings that would normally be scattered everywhere.

I seem to be having so many more emotional days, it has to be my hormones. I cry at the silliest things and then I can't stop. I guess it goes with the territory.

Today I did something I have been putting off for so long. I went to Kennedy's Mother's Day Out to visit. I worried that I would fall into a heap as soon as I walked in. Thankfully, because of the pretty weather, everyone was outside. I took a deep breath, got out of my car and walked over to that playground. It was hard to not see Kennedy at the top of the slide or playing with one of her classmates but I managed. I spoke to all of the great teachers at that school, they were awesome with all the kids, Kennedy included. She loved going to school as much as I loved the break.

I knew there was a mural painted at some point during last school year and Kennedy's hand print was used to make a flower. I went in that building, I didn't fall to a heap on the floor, took a picture of the hand print and was proud of my baby for making the only smudgy hand print on that whole wall. It was her, she was a mess. That hand print means so much to me, I had a casting kit from very soon after she was born but just never found the time to cast her print.

Down the entire length of the hallway, Ms. Michelle, painted a summer/spring beautiful mural with birds, and flowers and green grass. In this mural is a picture of a little girl with pig tails, carrying a lunch box, with the monogram KHA, wearing cute red boots  (with the Alabama logo). The thought that her teachers keep her in their memory was amazing to me. I know they remember her but to memorialize her in such a way was so much more than I could ever ask for. I  teared up in that hallway. I am forever grateful for them!

I got to see some of Kennedy's old classmates, they grew up so much, it helped me to visualize what Kennedy would be like today. I miss her and everything about her and truly hate that she is not here anymore, she was the perfect kid! I have been juggling back and forth again with the "why us?" The only solution I could come up with is that somehow, someway I/we will make a positive difference in this world, dealing with this tragedy has given me such a different perspective on life and just how precious it is. Someday when I know what that calling is I will share it with all of you.

Here are the pictures I took:

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hope everyone enjoyed or is enjoying their day! I will say this has been a good day for Joe and I. We decided to enjoy lunch together today, my choice. I chose chic-fil-a and a picnic with Kennedy. Not exactly how I ever thought I would spend Valentine's Day, but it worked. Joe never does the lunch thing with me at Kennedy's columbarium. Today he did and I think he did ok. We even remembered to get our crucifixes blessed by Monseigneur, something we have been forgetting to do for months.

Joe had an epiphany this morning. He said that these small holidays are just a waste of money, why do we waste $3.00 on a card? He informed me that we are only going to celebrate the "major" holidays. My guess is that he will forget to buy me a birthday gift and then we'll have to stop celebrating birthdays too. LOL! He's a mess.

I am now 25 weeks pregnant. Feel a TON of movement, so much that I am being woken up in the middle of the night. Another Joe-ism: while sitting on my couch this morning with my stomach sticking out (for some reason, it feels good to keep my shirt up over it, it looks ridiculous but its comfy), Joe said "why does it look like you should be due in like 2 months, you get really big when you're pregnant". Thank you Joe! Gosh he is so lucky that I am taking Prozac regularly.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Rough Days

Things really couldn't be busier in our lives right now and stressful. I have come to the realization that nothing will ever be easy for Joe and I, ever. Every day getting out of bed is an uphill battle, add the stresses of life to that and it seems pointless sometimes to get out of bed. After talking with a friend last week, who also lost a child, I realize she goes through the same difficulties. They may not be the same situations, but tasks that are easy for everyone else just aren't that simple for us.

It is frustrating. How much more are we going to be tested? Haven't we been handed enough? It seems that when things can't get much worse they do. Yet we keep pushing ourselves. At some point I fear that we will just give up and throw in the towel. I am scared for that day.

I am at the point in my life where I am sick of the drama. It's so meaningless and exhausting.

I have been writing, not everyday but most days. I decided that I can't write on Friday's anymore, too many emotions get stirred up and I cannot sleep for work the next day. I'm proud of myself so far, I really didn't think I could do it, yes it's very hard and yes I've had to skip some parts but for the most part its flowing pretty easily. I am spelling and grammer checks worst nightmare! The whole document is filled with those stupid green and red squiggly marks. I guess I can fix those on a brain freeze day. Whether or not I publish this book I know how much it is helping it me. Publishing it is definitely something that I would like to do but I won't be upset if that doesn't happen.

I've been more emotional in the past week. I'm not sure if its pregnancy hormones, grief finally hitting me, stress or just needing to increase my prozac. Either way, I cry more now than I have in awhile. I had the pain in my chest again, the empty pain that I had for months after the accident. I just wished so badly last night that Kennedy were laying by me in bed sucking her thumb and rubbing my arm. I don't wish for another day with her, that would be too hard, I want our lifetime together back. One more day with her wouldn't fulfill me at all. She would be gone again and the pain would come back.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Rainy days

Joe and I got a lot accomplished in Bristol's room. Crib and changing table are in there. The furniture is rearranged. I can now officially have a baby. Let's hope that doesn't happen for another 3 months at least though. It was hard to go into that room but it was something we did together and it felt good. We talked alot in there. Xander came in and sniffed everything, his ears were down the entire time. He didn't like it in there at all. Max walked in the door but immediately turned around and left. Poor dogs, they do understand.

I have tossed around announcing this but after lots of thought and coaxing from my family and friends I have decided to start WRITING MY BOOK. All by myself! I figured that if I announced it on this blog I would hold myself accountable to actually finishing it. Whether or not it gets published I will still have gotten so much relief from this whole writing process. Right now my rough draft is littered with little red and green squiggly marks all over it. I am definitely not a writer especially on this caliber. I have had to skip the entire accident explaination so far but, as I can, I plan on going back to it. It's just a hard thing to word when I was in such a state of panic and shock that I am unsure of a lot of the details myself.

I am feeling so much movement in my belly. It's fun. It makes it real. I swear overnight Saturday I popped out! I could hardly get around my patients rooms on Sunday. It's getting hard for me to bend over. Really? It seems way to early to be having all of this going on. I still do not feel healthy though, I haven't gained nearly as much weight at this time as I did with Kennedy at the same time. My hair continues to fall out. I am definitely eating much better, my appetite is back full force. I am sure the weight gain will catch up with me very soon. :)