Friday, March 25, 2011

Me, Myself, and I

I'm not really sure what is going on. I have been on this selfish spiral lately. All things are about me. I'm tired. My ankles hurt. I want this, I want that. I'm not sure if this is part of the grief process or pregnancy or just me being ridiculous. It's funny that when I get on one of these rants Joe just ignores me. He doesn't feed into it, he just plays his video game and lets me carry on about me.

I am also blaming myself for Kennedy's accident. This is new. Up until this point I called it an unpreventable accident and blamed no one. Now I blame myself, all the things I could have done differently years ago to prevent this. I know in my heart that this was an accident but I feel so much better blaming myself. I am guessing this is just another phase of grief. Maybe I should get my butt back to counseling...

I am also feeling completely inadequate in the sense that I want to make something positive of this situation but have no idea where to start. Adoption for us is not an option right now, being the face of beach safety is not an option either. What can I do? Start a memorial fund? There is a nonprofit organization that will set one up for us free of charge and handle all of the business end of it. But who does it benefit? Drowning victims? Then I go back to my selfishness, our business is struggling, our finances are a mess, how do I ask people to donate money to our fund when I can't donate to theirs?

I spent well over an hour at Kennedy's columbarium yesterday eating lunch, thinking and crying. All I could focus on was how much I miss her, how I never brought her to OLV church and how she is laid to rest in an unfamiliar place.

Joe seems to really be dealing with me well. I've managed to say some ugly things to him, which were meant to blame me, but he took it as me blaming him. He really just ignores me and chalks it up to a bad day I guess or crazy pregnancy hormones. I think as Bristol's delivery date gets closer we are getting more and more anxious. We both want what is best for her but how do we do that without letting her out of our sight?

On a completely different note, I had my 30 week check up this week. All is well. Strong heartbeat. Measuring on time. My weight gain has picked up full force. Sorry Brookwood L&D, you got a biggun' delivering in a few weeks.

My book writing has really suffered this month. My laptop crashed and I am unable to mentally fight with the laptop trying to retreive the file. It's very exhausting and frustrating fighting with something that is a whole lot smarter than I will ever be. I am hoping to get back to it full force in April.

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