This year has been the most difficult year of our lives, we faced a tragedy that no one should ever have to face. We have been through the depths of Hell from the moment we heard the awful news up until now. We have been through the emotions of welcoming Bristol into a world that we are not so sure of. We have been up and down every emotional roller coaster there is to offer. We have been close to ending our lives, only to think enough about it that we don't because that won't ever get us to see Kennedy again. We have been across the country to clear our heads, we have sat quietly in the shower crying. We have been through countless sleepless nights. We have been through the best dreams and the worst nightmares.
Where we are going is definitely a mystery. We have plans. Plans to raise Bristol safely. Plans to re-grow our business, plans to cry when we need to. Over this year I have come to realize that our plans don't ever seem to work out. We planned to the leave the beach Friday morning, unfortunately it was a plan we didn't stick to.
We each have our goals. My number one goal is provide as much love as I have to offer to Bristol and raise her to know her sister like we did. I also plan to work diligently on my book over the next few months and hope to have it in print by NEXT Christmas. It is a far off date but I never realized all that goes into it, it's very time consuming. In 8 short weeks I will be done with my bachelor's degree in Nursing. I hope to take off until January 2012, to return for my Master's. This has been a long time goal of mine and it now finally seems reachable.
Many people have asked if we plan on having more kids. That answer is yes. When? I have no idea. I have said a thousand times if I could have a baby without having to actually go through pregnancy I would do it every day. I am just not a good pregnant person, I'm whiny, I gain way to much weight and I get super selfish.
I look forward so much to watching Bristol grow into her own person. She is a wild child already. She is so feisty (I'm pretty sure that comes from Joe). She is a determined little person too. She knows what she wants (we are still trying to figure it out) and she will get it.
July 7, Joe and I celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary, something many people probably never thought we would ever see. Through everything we have been through this year we are stronger than ever. Yes we disagree and argue but who doesn't. We have held to our commitment to stick together through this, I look forward to spending many, many more years with him. We are dysfunctional but somehow it works.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
More decisions
Yet again we face decisions. They are never ending. Before the tornadoes in April I was contacted by Fox 6 news to do an interview on where we are at one year later. The tornadoes hit, we didn't have to make the decision, there were much bigger stories at hand. News is slowing down now and yet again we are contacted.
I trust the reporter, Joe is on the fence, he fears that our comments will be cut and pasted and turned into thoughts that we did not say. I really do not know how it will turn out but I pray that, for the news stations reputation, our words come out the way we intend for them and editing is minimal.
The reporter wanted to do a piece on beach safety, something Joe and I decided early on that we did not want to be the face of. Instead she is doing the piece on how we have come through this. Bristol will even make an appearance.
My hopes in doing this interview is to help someone, anyone, even if it is just one person. I also think that we do have a story to tell, our faith and commitment to each other has really gotten us through this last year.
Pray that this interview goes well for us, we all know how our luck is over the past year. If it weren't for bad luck we would not have any!
I trust the reporter, Joe is on the fence, he fears that our comments will be cut and pasted and turned into thoughts that we did not say. I really do not know how it will turn out but I pray that, for the news stations reputation, our words come out the way we intend for them and editing is minimal.
The reporter wanted to do a piece on beach safety, something Joe and I decided early on that we did not want to be the face of. Instead she is doing the piece on how we have come through this. Bristol will even make an appearance.
My hopes in doing this interview is to help someone, anyone, even if it is just one person. I also think that we do have a story to tell, our faith and commitment to each other has really gotten us through this last year.
Pray that this interview goes well for us, we all know how our luck is over the past year. If it weren't for bad luck we would not have any!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Our year
Well life is definitely busy around here. I forgot what it was like to have a baby in the house. Bristol is doing great. She's such a content baby. We couldn't be happier.
Our family has been visiting since her birth, a new member each week. My house is full and busy but it's all so welcome.
It has almost been a year. We have been juggeling with the idea of returning to the beach for the anniversary on the 2nd but I think we have finally made the decision to wait until September or so. I am in a happy place right now, I miss Kennedy so much more every day and I fear that if I go to the beach right now it will make me lose my momentum of healing.
We teach Bristol every day about Kennedy, we show her the pictures on the wall of her and I think that whenever we say her name she smiles a bit. My goal is for Bristol to know Kennedy the way we knew her. I struggle now and probably will until the time comes for us to explain to her what happened to her sister. I know that will be a difficult conversation.
This past year has been the hardest, saddest, joyous and happiest times. Looking back, I still cannot believe what has happened. I guess it is something that I will always look at as a bad nightmare. Dealing with the emotions of all of this, Kennedy's death and Bristol's birth, is trying. I am generally happy but still hurt so deeply for Kennedy. Time is healing our wounds but I know they will never be fully healed. That is ok with us, we are learning our new normal.
Our family has been visiting since her birth, a new member each week. My house is full and busy but it's all so welcome.
It has almost been a year. We have been juggeling with the idea of returning to the beach for the anniversary on the 2nd but I think we have finally made the decision to wait until September or so. I am in a happy place right now, I miss Kennedy so much more every day and I fear that if I go to the beach right now it will make me lose my momentum of healing.
We teach Bristol every day about Kennedy, we show her the pictures on the wall of her and I think that whenever we say her name she smiles a bit. My goal is for Bristol to know Kennedy the way we knew her. I struggle now and probably will until the time comes for us to explain to her what happened to her sister. I know that will be a difficult conversation.
This past year has been the hardest, saddest, joyous and happiest times. Looking back, I still cannot believe what has happened. I guess it is something that I will always look at as a bad nightmare. Dealing with the emotions of all of this, Kennedy's death and Bristol's birth, is trying. I am generally happy but still hurt so deeply for Kennedy. Time is healing our wounds but I know they will never be fully healed. That is ok with us, we are learning our new normal.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Catching my breath
She's here! Bristol was born on Sunday, May 15, 2011 at 1432, 6lbs 3 oz, 18" long. I had an amazingly easy labor and delivery, with the best coworkers/friends! Bristol is happy and healthy!
We couldn't be happier right now. It's amazing how you fall in love with someone you never even met so fast. Emotions hit me when I hit 9cm, I realized what I was in for, a huge episiotomy or tear and a painful recovery. I panicked a bit, but at 10cm, pushed with all my might, Bristol was here! I actually got to look down and see her being born, it was amazing. I have seen it a million times but this time it was different, she was mine and I was in love. I cried, happy tears and sad tears. Happy because there is a beautiful baby girl in my arms, sad because Kennedy wasn't with us to celebrate. Joe was amazed and in love too. Then his focus turned to the delivery of the placenta, lets just say the whole room got a tutorial from the doctor explaining how the placenta comes out. Then he saw it and said "I don't know how you women survive this, that looks like a deer stomach". Leave it to Joe to say something like that!
Bristol looks nothing like Kennedy when she was born, huge help. She is her own person. My doctor, who also delivered Kennedy, said it was a great thing for us that she looked totally different, I agree.
Everything I learned about newborns with Kennedy is out the window with Bristol. She is quiet, doesn't like to be swaddled, wants to cuddle and is breastfeeding so well. Kennedy was a spunky newborn, she was colicky, had to be swaddled, didn't care much to cuddle and did not breastfeed well. It's all so familiar yet so new to us.
Emotionally we are doing great, we miss Kennedy, we will never stop missing her, but we also feel that we were given what we needed, a sweet baby girl that wants our love. Joe made the comparison that Bristol is like a stray dog, she just wants to please us. Not a great comparison but it actually fits the situation.
People actually hold her, something I feared we would never let happen. Joe is still a germ-phobe and is 100% certain that hands are being washed before anyone gets within 10 feet of her, but that's Joe. As far as babysitting goes, not sure when we will let that happen, but we are definitely starting to move in a positive direction.
My posts will probably be few and far between for the next few weeks, school is kicking my butt this session and I really need to focus on it so I can finally finish this degree.
We couldn't be happier right now. It's amazing how you fall in love with someone you never even met so fast. Emotions hit me when I hit 9cm, I realized what I was in for, a huge episiotomy or tear and a painful recovery. I panicked a bit, but at 10cm, pushed with all my might, Bristol was here! I actually got to look down and see her being born, it was amazing. I have seen it a million times but this time it was different, she was mine and I was in love. I cried, happy tears and sad tears. Happy because there is a beautiful baby girl in my arms, sad because Kennedy wasn't with us to celebrate. Joe was amazed and in love too. Then his focus turned to the delivery of the placenta, lets just say the whole room got a tutorial from the doctor explaining how the placenta comes out. Then he saw it and said "I don't know how you women survive this, that looks like a deer stomach". Leave it to Joe to say something like that!
Bristol looks nothing like Kennedy when she was born, huge help. She is her own person. My doctor, who also delivered Kennedy, said it was a great thing for us that she looked totally different, I agree.
Everything I learned about newborns with Kennedy is out the window with Bristol. She is quiet, doesn't like to be swaddled, wants to cuddle and is breastfeeding so well. Kennedy was a spunky newborn, she was colicky, had to be swaddled, didn't care much to cuddle and did not breastfeed well. It's all so familiar yet so new to us.
Emotionally we are doing great, we miss Kennedy, we will never stop missing her, but we also feel that we were given what we needed, a sweet baby girl that wants our love. Joe made the comparison that Bristol is like a stray dog, she just wants to please us. Not a great comparison but it actually fits the situation.
People actually hold her, something I feared we would never let happen. Joe is still a germ-phobe and is 100% certain that hands are being washed before anyone gets within 10 feet of her, but that's Joe. As far as babysitting goes, not sure when we will let that happen, but we are definitely starting to move in a positive direction.
My posts will probably be few and far between for the next few weeks, school is kicking my butt this session and I really need to focus on it so I can finally finish this degree.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Nesting
So I made fun of Joe for nesting. He completely reorganized our house and still continues to do so. It was making me nuts but I was so thankful that I wasn't the one with the constant urge to run around and clean something. Not so fast.... Today while picking up a few things from wal-mart, the panic hit me. My baseboards are FILTHY, I have no idea when the last time I did the floors was, the bathrooms are probably a biohazard, the damn bird has feathers everywhere! OMG I had to get home and clean!
Unfortunately though, my energy and ability to clean most of the crap I was panicking about is just not there. I panic again, this is going to take me days to do! The car seat has to be put in too! I also have to work this weekend, work at Joe's office before the weekend and somehow deal with school.
Why am I stressing so much about the normal things that are always going on in my life? It's frustrating because I really do not think I have any control over these urges to clean. I managed to dry mop the baseboards, dust, Joe vacuumed, Orange-glo the wood floors in the living room (a rather large and exhausting job, I'll get to the foyer and dining room another day), got half of my school stuff done for this week and then I ran a bath and sat there until I pruned up.
Unfortunately though, my energy and ability to clean most of the crap I was panicking about is just not there. I panic again, this is going to take me days to do! The car seat has to be put in too! I also have to work this weekend, work at Joe's office before the weekend and somehow deal with school.
Why am I stressing so much about the normal things that are always going on in my life? It's frustrating because I really do not think I have any control over these urges to clean. I managed to dry mop the baseboards, dust, Joe vacuumed, Orange-glo the wood floors in the living room (a rather large and exhausting job, I'll get to the foyer and dining room another day), got half of my school stuff done for this week and then I ran a bath and sat there until I pruned up.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I'm baaaccckkkk!
Whew! What a crazy few weeks! I'm now almost 37 weeks pregnant and ready (so ready) to have this baby. The discomfort is driving me nuts, but I am no one to decide when she's ready to meet us. So I'll just keep on complaining.
Joe has recovered quickly from his little golf cart mishap. Thank goodness! Nothing broken, except his ego:).
I just started my second to last session of school. Only 16 weeks left! I am worn out and worry a lot about how I am going to do this when Bristol gets here. I was going to take this session off but after a pep talk from Joe I'm hitting it head on and still plan on finishing at the end of August.
This month marked 10 months since Kennedy's accident. I hate it, unfortunately time does move on and this is one of those things that we will always deal with.
April 27, 2011-WOW! We were warned of the strong possibility of very severe weather and tornadoes days in advance. I don't think anyone could have ever imagined just how severe it would get. This state is ravaged. Seeing pictures on TV and video does absolutely nothing for the shear force that these tornadoes brought. Seeing it for myself, up close and with my own eyes, made me realize that I never respected the destruction that a tornado could bring. I feel awful for everyone affected. Most lost everything. Imagine walking into your neighborhood and not even being able to figure out where your house was. The destruction is amazing. Somehow our county (Shelby) was spared, which made me thankful, because we probably would not be alive today if it weren't. We definitely were not prepared for an EF-5 tornado to directly hit us.
Joe and I spent sometime (with some friends of ours) handing out food and supplies. What we saw was nothing short of amazing. People who lost it all are HOPEFUL. They are walking around dazed but they are confident they will rebuild and are thankful for their lives. Their strength gives me hope, we may not have lost everything we owned but the loss of our daughter makes us feel that way. Seeing people continue on through tough times, makes me certain that we will also get through this, as hard as it is at times.
I am going to continue my efforts to collect any items that can be donated at a later time to these great people. The supply posts are packed full in the towns we were in, because those affected have no where to take the stuff to. The need will be great in a few months when they are rebuilding.
I must say that I am really proud to call Alabama home.
Joe has recovered quickly from his little golf cart mishap. Thank goodness! Nothing broken, except his ego:).
I just started my second to last session of school. Only 16 weeks left! I am worn out and worry a lot about how I am going to do this when Bristol gets here. I was going to take this session off but after a pep talk from Joe I'm hitting it head on and still plan on finishing at the end of August.
This month marked 10 months since Kennedy's accident. I hate it, unfortunately time does move on and this is one of those things that we will always deal with.
April 27, 2011-WOW! We were warned of the strong possibility of very severe weather and tornadoes days in advance. I don't think anyone could have ever imagined just how severe it would get. This state is ravaged. Seeing pictures on TV and video does absolutely nothing for the shear force that these tornadoes brought. Seeing it for myself, up close and with my own eyes, made me realize that I never respected the destruction that a tornado could bring. I feel awful for everyone affected. Most lost everything. Imagine walking into your neighborhood and not even being able to figure out where your house was. The destruction is amazing. Somehow our county (Shelby) was spared, which made me thankful, because we probably would not be alive today if it weren't. We definitely were not prepared for an EF-5 tornado to directly hit us.
Joe and I spent sometime (with some friends of ours) handing out food and supplies. What we saw was nothing short of amazing. People who lost it all are HOPEFUL. They are walking around dazed but they are confident they will rebuild and are thankful for their lives. Their strength gives me hope, we may not have lost everything we owned but the loss of our daughter makes us feel that way. Seeing people continue on through tough times, makes me certain that we will also get through this, as hard as it is at times.
I am going to continue my efforts to collect any items that can be donated at a later time to these great people. The supply posts are packed full in the towns we were in, because those affected have no where to take the stuff to. The need will be great in a few months when they are rebuilding.
I must say that I am really proud to call Alabama home.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Defects and Karma
I know I have blogged about this before but here I go again. We have the most defective animals!
Xander the Doberman saw a hot air balloon fly over our house this Saturday and got scared to death!. He is a 100+ pound baby. He sat shaking in his kennel for hours and almost a week later he is still scared to go outside without Joe or I. Seriously! His OCD caused him to lick a hot spot on his paw, not sure what to do about that.
Max is Max. He's the 11 year old pug. He cannot hear a thing but he and Xander somehow communicate when it's time to eat and Max teases Xander so much so that Xander acts like he's going to eat him. Max whines ALL the time. I yell at him to stop, but what good does it do, he can't hear me! He spends his days sleeping, whining and going in and outside continuously.
Bird. OH MY! She's always had issues! She spends 90% of her time sitting in the corner of the bottom of her cage doing nothing but squaking. She has recently become super destructive and vicious. She tears her cage apart all the time. Ladder gets ripped off, food and water covers torn off and thrown across the cage. We fix them and she tears it back up. The other night I decided to put my finger by her cage (yes I was teasing her) she pecked at my finger! Several times! I don't have any idea what shes so mad about, we are pretty nice to her. If she wasn't Kennedy's Bird I would seriously think about giving her away, it's just hard to part with her right now.
Karma. I believe that if you are a good person, then good things happen to you, If you are a bad person then bad things will happen. This week I got to thinking, what have I done that was so bad in this life to have my daughter taken from me? Surely it had to be something big, but I really would be able to remember that. Right?
Had a doctor appointment yesterday, my BP was ok, go figure! I spent a week feeling like crap, only to wake up on Wednesday, the day of my appointment to feeling great. Not that I wanted to feel bad but I think it would have made me feel not so crazy. My doctor frightened me, she asked me if I was going to counseling. Told her no, I haven't been in forever. She got super concerned and fearful almost for me. It worried me, it was a very serious conversation. Does she know or see something I don't see? Regardless, I made an appointment with our counselor. It can't hurt at this point. There really are a lot of mixed emotions right now. Happy, for a new baby. Sad, because Kennedy isn't here. Anxiety, can we safely raise Bristol? Anger, that this really happened to us.
Joe has been in a hole lately and really worried me. I know he is going through his own difficulties with this. Counseling will help us tremendously!
Xander the Doberman saw a hot air balloon fly over our house this Saturday and got scared to death!. He is a 100+ pound baby. He sat shaking in his kennel for hours and almost a week later he is still scared to go outside without Joe or I. Seriously! His OCD caused him to lick a hot spot on his paw, not sure what to do about that.
Max is Max. He's the 11 year old pug. He cannot hear a thing but he and Xander somehow communicate when it's time to eat and Max teases Xander so much so that Xander acts like he's going to eat him. Max whines ALL the time. I yell at him to stop, but what good does it do, he can't hear me! He spends his days sleeping, whining and going in and outside continuously.
Bird. OH MY! She's always had issues! She spends 90% of her time sitting in the corner of the bottom of her cage doing nothing but squaking. She has recently become super destructive and vicious. She tears her cage apart all the time. Ladder gets ripped off, food and water covers torn off and thrown across the cage. We fix them and she tears it back up. The other night I decided to put my finger by her cage (yes I was teasing her) she pecked at my finger! Several times! I don't have any idea what shes so mad about, we are pretty nice to her. If she wasn't Kennedy's Bird I would seriously think about giving her away, it's just hard to part with her right now.
Karma. I believe that if you are a good person, then good things happen to you, If you are a bad person then bad things will happen. This week I got to thinking, what have I done that was so bad in this life to have my daughter taken from me? Surely it had to be something big, but I really would be able to remember that. Right?
Had a doctor appointment yesterday, my BP was ok, go figure! I spent a week feeling like crap, only to wake up on Wednesday, the day of my appointment to feeling great. Not that I wanted to feel bad but I think it would have made me feel not so crazy. My doctor frightened me, she asked me if I was going to counseling. Told her no, I haven't been in forever. She got super concerned and fearful almost for me. It worried me, it was a very serious conversation. Does she know or see something I don't see? Regardless, I made an appointment with our counselor. It can't hurt at this point. There really are a lot of mixed emotions right now. Happy, for a new baby. Sad, because Kennedy isn't here. Anxiety, can we safely raise Bristol? Anger, that this really happened to us.
Joe has been in a hole lately and really worried me. I know he is going through his own difficulties with this. Counseling will help us tremendously!
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