Going's on

Never a dull moment here at our house. It's spring break which means we are working hard at home this week. Joe's yard project is finally getting somewhere. I have no idea what he will do when it's actually done. We are going to Disney next Tuesday so I have been getting ahead on school work so I don't have to worry about it while on vacay.
Bristol is now 10 months old. Her little personality is hilarious. She is serious but can be such a jokester at times. She knows the word no but defies it already. She loves to swing in her swing outside, loves going for walks in the stroller and hysterically laughs at Xander when he chases her bubbles. I just cannot believe that I will be planning her FIRST birthday in less than 2 months.
Seeing every ones pictures of the beach this week has thrown me back into panic. Sleepless nights just imagining that day all come back to me. I know this is something that I just have to work through but right now it seems like the pain of our loss of Kennedy will never get easier. My chest hurts the same now as it did that day. I really long for the day I will get to hold her in my arms again.
Bristol and I visit Kennedy as much as we can, I want Bristol to know her sister and to feel comfortable visiting her. I think she knows her sister is in Heaven though.

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right?

We have been in a whirlwind of busy-ness ever since Joe got back from his cruise. Things need to slow down! Being busy is a good thing but I feel like I never really know if I'm coming or going. Add to that we have a 9 month old drama queen that is teething. Ugh! I need a drink or just one uninterrupted night of sleep.
Several months ago we made the decision to look into foster care. For some reason we both felt that we can provide a stable home for a child that needs it. We still feel this way. Unfortunately though, after submitting our application and waiting forever for a response we were scheduled to begin our 10 (yes 10) weeks of classes on the day we were leaving for our beach convention. We also have a disney trip planned in March which would fall on week 7 of the classes. How is this is a problem? We cannot miss any classes if we want to be licensed. Shelby county tells me they are in a crisis situation and have too many kids and not enough homes. Well crap! I wonder why. They definitely need to re-vamp their education process. My only thought is that this is not the right time for us to do this. I just can't help but obsess over it though.
I'm still missing my Kennedy so much and hate that she isn't here with us. Joe and I decided that her and Bristol would NOT get along. Bristol is hard headed and extremely demanding, two things that annoyed Kennedy a lot. I'm beginning to realize that the memories of Kennedy are what keep me going every day. The pain is still here but I am so thankful for all of the memories I have of her.
The relentless pursuit of getting my Master's degree begins finally on Feb 27! I'm excited but nervous. I just don't feel like getting into school mode again. I feel like I have been in college forever! Oh wait, I have!
I'll update again soon!

Being Joe's Wife

This weeks event's have prompted me to write this blog. Joe is one unique individual and being married to him is one heck of an experience, sometimes I think we would really make a great reality show!

My sweet husbands reply to me on Sunday morning when I tell him I'm going to the ER, "why?" my answer - "because I'm dying", his earth shattering reply "OK".  Not the response I was looking for but not exactly unexpected either.

We have introduced solid foods to Bristol, which has been pretty easy, so my instructions to Joe were easy while I was at work, bottle, carrots, keep her happy, etc. He told me he had a very hard time with the solids and was just going to let me do that for now because she was just not having it. Turn to Monday morning when I was spoon feeding Bristol some cereal and he says to me "oh I didn't know you had to put the spoon in her mouth". REALLY?! did he think that her food just jumped off the spoon into her mouth. He's done this before!

I have come to realize that my life with Joe will be filled with repeating myself over and over, picking up the dirty clothes from around the laundry basket, listening to him retell the same stories over and over, hearing him bite his nails, scratch his head, obsess about things out of his control for weeks at a time,  and deal with his ADHD and OCD and whatever initials you wanna throw in there.

I do also realize that my life with Joe is filled with love, devotion and understanding. An understanding so deep that could never be found anywhere else. I guess we are stuck with each till we're old and gray and figuring out how to get our food to jump off the spoon into our mouth's:)

Bittersweet Return

We made the painful decision to go back to the beach this past weekend. We chose not to go to Orange Beach but instead went to Pensacola Beach (If you recall the picture of Kennedy with her back to the camera looking out over the gulf, this is where it was taken in May of 2010).




May 2010

September 2011

 It was actually an easy trip. Bristol was surprisingly easy, although we were both sinus-ey, it was still a great trip.

I wondered if I was going to be able to even look at the water. I find it hard to look at it on TV or in pics, but being there made me want to see it. I only went in up to my ankles and that is probably all I will ever go in and that is fine with me. It was nice to not have anxiety when I saw the beauty of the beach this time.

We were able to make some pretty pictures with Bristol on the beach. We collected seashells, something I will always keep as a reminder to us of our strength to go forward. Will the beach ever be the same for us, NO, but we will continue to make new memories and grow from the old ones.

Our Little Family Feet

Reality hit me when we walked back into our house. On our last trip back in without Kennedy it was a somber, depressing entrance, the dogs even laid down and cried. This entrance was nothing like that, Bristol was wide awake in her carrier, the dogs were running around ready to be let outside, our life has continued on. It's amazing how slow and fast these past 14 months have gone, some days (most) are a blur and filled with anger and sadness but others are filled with the joy of Bristol. She is truly a blessing!

This week I returned back to work from maternity leave. I was panicked at the thought of Joe sleeping with Bristol and basically taking care of her all weekend without my help. He did fine, his hair was on end at the end of day 1 and his eyes were purple from lack of sleep but he managed. I panicked for nothing. Day 2 they did much better and I am at ease now. He's a great daddy and I am lucky to have him.

Being back to work was great. I needed it. I complain about working all the time but I know that I will be a better mom for it. I need the time away. With my return to work I pledged to myself that I will not take any more time off, no more leave of absences! This year was filled with them and now I want to try and get back to somewhat of a normal life.

Bristol is growing so fast. We love her so much. Her smiles are so heartwarming and give us such a calm feeling. I could (and usually do) hold her all day and snuggle. We tell her about her Sissy all the time but I think she already knows all about her!

More decisions

Yet again we face decisions. They are never ending. Before the tornadoes in April I was contacted by Fox 6 news to do an interview on where we are at one year later. The tornadoes hit, we didn't have to make the decision, there were much bigger stories at hand. News is slowing down now and yet again we are contacted.
I trust the reporter, Joe is on the fence, he fears that our comments will be cut and pasted and turned into thoughts that we did not say. I really do not know how it will turn out but I pray that, for the news stations reputation, our words come out the way we intend for them and editing is minimal.
The reporter wanted to do a piece on beach safety, something Joe and I decided early on that we did not want to be the face of. Instead she is doing the piece on how we have come through this. Bristol will even make an appearance.
My hopes in doing this interview is to help someone, anyone, even if it is just one person. I also think that we do have a story to tell, our faith and commitment to each other has really gotten us through this last year.
Pray that this interview goes well for us, we all know how our luck is over the past year. If it weren't for bad luck we would not have any!

Our year

Well life is definitely busy around here. I forgot what it was like to have a baby in the house. Bristol is doing great. She's such a content baby. We couldn't be happier.

Our family has been visiting since her birth, a new member each week. My house is full and busy but it's all so welcome.

It has almost been a year. We have been juggeling with the idea of returning to the beach for the anniversary on the 2nd but I think we have finally made the decision to wait until September or so. I am in a happy place right now, I miss Kennedy so much more every day and I fear that if I go to the beach right now it will make me lose my momentum of healing.

We teach Bristol every day about Kennedy, we show her the pictures on the wall of her and I think that whenever we say her name she smiles a bit. My goal is for Bristol to know Kennedy the way we knew her. I struggle now and probably will until the time comes for us to explain to her what happened to her sister. I know that will be a difficult conversation.

This past year has been the hardest, saddest, joyous and happiest times. Looking back, I still cannot believe what has happened. I guess it is something that I will always look at as a bad nightmare. Dealing with the emotions of all of this, Kennedy's death and Bristol's birth, is trying. I am generally happy but still hurt so deeply for Kennedy. Time is healing our wounds but I know they will never be fully healed. That is ok with us, we are learning our new normal.

Keeping the faith

It's been such a busy couple of weeks for us! Joe's dad came to visit, I had a bunch of appointments, papers due, baby shower to think about, thankfully things have slowed down some this week-with the exception of school! Gosh it is wearing me out. I was urged to not take these two classes together because they are the more difficult ones in the program. I figured best to take them before I deliver Bristol and my placenta takes my remaining brain cells with it. Hmmm, maybe not the best idea. Whatever, I've been through worse.

Since the oil spill last summer tourism has been down at the beach. In an effort to revitalize the area there are tons of commercials on TV about coming to the beach, one shows a family with a little girl (about Kennedy's age) in a pink bikini (similiar to the one she had on) running to the water. OMG! seriously what would have normally made me want to go there and spend a few days basking in the sun, has me running in the opposite direction. I want nothing more than to spend a few days listening to the waves and burying my feet in the warm sand but I cannot do it. Not now, maybe not ever. Knowing what I know now about how quickly things can happen and how dangerous the beach can be has me scared to death to ever enjoy it again. I want Bristol to experience the beach but fear that I may never let her near it. Anyone who knows us, knows that we love the beach and jumped at every opportunity to go there, now it's all different.

On another note, I celebrated with my friends on Sunday at my baby shower. It was nice. We got so many beautiful gifts. I swear I have no idea where we would be without our friends. That morning I didn't feel much like socializing but that mood passed quickly and I enjoyed the day. Yesterday, my dedicated PJ day, was spent putting things together and finding a home for all of the awesome things. It was bittersweet.

It's been awhile since I read the bible, I was reading it daily but really have been preoccupied lately that I just didn't get around to it. (not a very good excuse) Anyway, I am trying to read it more consistently now. I also prayed, prayed hard for several things last week and those prayers got answered. One for my own selfish reasons and another for a friend who is going through an adoption process. Coincidence? Maybe to some but I am chalking these up to answered prayers.

Sorting

For the past week I have been sorting things. Receipts, baby clothes, etc. I'm excited things feel lighter in my house and at the office. It was difficult to go through the receipts from last year, a time when I was still buying things for Kennedy and remembering our trips through the year. While I am glad that the bulk of it is done I know I still have the looming funeral expenses to itemize. While going through the mountain of paperwork I found her blue immunization card for school this year and a letter from my mother in law asking if Kennedy liked her Easter gifts. Finding these things is bittersweet.

My mother in law and sister in law sent a LOAD of baby clothes to us, via Joe's dad. I have spent the better part of the last few days sorting through the sizes and pairing things up. My sis in law even washed everything for me. There were several pieces that we duplicates of Kennedy's, imagining her in those outfits was painful but good. I can definitely say that we do not need any clothing for Bristol until shes at least 3 years old. Amazing!

Tomorrow I go for my three hour glucose tolerance test, since I failed my one hour test last week. Darn it! The last thing I want to do is sit at the doctor office for 4 hours but I guess its necessary. I had gestational diabetes with Kennedy and am pretty sure that it will be the same this time around. I very much dislike having to watch my diet.

School this session is officially kicking my butt! So many big projects, I am getting so sick of writing papers constantly. I have not worked on my book in weeks now, I know the times that I cannot even begin to sit down to work on it but unfortunately that has become the only time I can. I am choosing to get a better nights sleep over writing for now. I still make notes on my phone when I get an idea, so it's not that I have completely disregarded working on it.

I am officially counting down the days until Bristol is due! I cannot wait for her to get here. I pee 5 times a night, I am freezing everyone out of the house, I waddle because it feels so good, I cannot get up from a laying position without rolling to my side first. My weight gain has not even been an issue (20lbs so far) its just the extra girth of my belly that is wearing me out. Joe hasn't even had any off the wall comments lately aside from him thinking the wall fell down in the bathroom because I opened the window this morning because I was on fire after my shower. Poor guy has been wearing layers to bed at night and I even catch him using my half of the comforter that I don't use anymore.

My baby shower is this Sunday, I'm excited to see everyone. It seems like since I have been back to work, I haven't seen anybody in months.

Sealing up the memories

Today has been a successful day for me. I have really got a lot done. A great friend/co-worker gave me a cedar hope chest to store Kennedy's things in. The piles that were all over her and Bristol's bedroom are now neatly stored in my bedroom. I even manged to touch her baby book, something I could not do until now. It felt good to get this stuff organized once and for all. I am finally getting much more comfortable in their bedroom. Kennedy's influence is still present in that bedroom but I now feel comfortable in saying that Bristol can call it her own bedroom. I still need to find one more chest/trunk thing to put Kennedy's bed linens in and her dirty clothes from the week before the accident. The cedar chest will fit them but it is cedar and I just cannot bear the thought of the clothes that smell like her, smelling like cedar.

Joe's mother and sister bought us a ton of girls clothes. I went through four boxes today and hung and put away every single piece. I think I'm nesting. I have this urge to clean and organize EVERYTHING! Unfortunately today though, I am contracting every time I move around too much.

Today starts my 3rd session of school. Only two more sessions to go. I'm thinking though that this semester may be the most involved. The projects that I have to do are overwhelming just to read about. I am at least relieved to know the end is now in sight.

While opening the boxes today with my pair of kitchen scissors, I was reminded of a memory of when Kennedy would try to open something and have a hard time with it, she would go over to the silverware drawer and get the scissors out. It was like she knew what she was doing. She was so independent and was ticked at us when we moved those scissors out of her reach. I am glad my memory allows me to remember those sweet details.