Thursday, March 31, 2011

Difficult days

So I  have felt terrible for the last few days. Woke up the other day and my face and hands were swollen, my fingers so much that I could barely bend them. I decided to check my BP, it was elevated, not alarmingly elevated but definitely higher than my usual 110's over 60's. I called the doctor, who told me to rest. Really? Resting on a Wednesday is impossible for me, it's always a very busy day at the office for me and I had a million other things to do. Ugh! I ended up going to the office and working for just about an hour or so and then home to lay on my perch. I guess the rest helped me some, I woke up this morning less swollen but still running higher BP's. Thankfully, other than being so tired, I have no other crazy symptoms. Work should be so much fun this weekend. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday, hopefully things will be better by then.

I managed to get a little ahead of my game with my school work. Turned a paper in today that wasn't due until Sunday, that's a big accomplishment for me. Also worked on another paper that's not due until NEXT Sunday, this is an even bigger accomplishment for me. Only three weeks left of this semester! Woo Hoo!

Yesterday I realized that I am alone in this world. Everyone is so consumed with their day to day affairs and habits that they rarely have time for themselves, let alone to listen to someone complaining about how sad they are. Its amazing how so many people were "there for us" when the shit hit the fan this summer but as time goes on, we end up being dropped from their lives when we need them the most. Our road to a normal life will never be easy, nor will it ever be normal. I hate the fact that I know that for the rest of my life I will deal with pain, it will be worse at times and less at others but nonetheless, it will be there.

My life will be faced with decisions, difficult decisions, but none as difficult as the decisions that I made that led up to Kennedy's accident.

My bad days are bad lately, my good days are days that I can stop the stream of tears. I know that this will all get better with time but unfortunately time just doesn't seem to be on my side anymore either.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Me, Myself, and I

I'm not really sure what is going on. I have been on this selfish spiral lately. All things are about me. I'm tired. My ankles hurt. I want this, I want that. I'm not sure if this is part of the grief process or pregnancy or just me being ridiculous. It's funny that when I get on one of these rants Joe just ignores me. He doesn't feed into it, he just plays his video game and lets me carry on about me.

I am also blaming myself for Kennedy's accident. This is new. Up until this point I called it an unpreventable accident and blamed no one. Now I blame myself, all the things I could have done differently years ago to prevent this. I know in my heart that this was an accident but I feel so much better blaming myself. I am guessing this is just another phase of grief. Maybe I should get my butt back to counseling...

I am also feeling completely inadequate in the sense that I want to make something positive of this situation but have no idea where to start. Adoption for us is not an option right now, being the face of beach safety is not an option either. What can I do? Start a memorial fund? There is a nonprofit organization that will set one up for us free of charge and handle all of the business end of it. But who does it benefit? Drowning victims? Then I go back to my selfishness, our business is struggling, our finances are a mess, how do I ask people to donate money to our fund when I can't donate to theirs?

I spent well over an hour at Kennedy's columbarium yesterday eating lunch, thinking and crying. All I could focus on was how much I miss her, how I never brought her to OLV church and how she is laid to rest in an unfamiliar place.

Joe seems to really be dealing with me well. I've managed to say some ugly things to him, which were meant to blame me, but he took it as me blaming him. He really just ignores me and chalks it up to a bad day I guess or crazy pregnancy hormones. I think as Bristol's delivery date gets closer we are getting more and more anxious. We both want what is best for her but how do we do that without letting her out of our sight?

On a completely different note, I had my 30 week check up this week. All is well. Strong heartbeat. Measuring on time. My weight gain has picked up full force. Sorry Brookwood L&D, you got a biggun' delivering in a few weeks.

My book writing has really suffered this month. My laptop crashed and I am unable to mentally fight with the laptop trying to retreive the file. It's very exhausting and frustrating fighting with something that is a whole lot smarter than I will ever be. I am hoping to get back to it full force in April.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Keeping the faith

It's been such a busy couple of weeks for us! Joe's dad came to visit, I had a bunch of appointments, papers due, baby shower to think about, thankfully things have slowed down some this week-with the exception of school! Gosh it is wearing me out. I was urged to not take these two classes together because they are the more difficult ones in the program. I figured best to take them before I deliver Bristol and my placenta takes my remaining brain cells with it. Hmmm, maybe not the best idea. Whatever, I've been through worse.

Since the oil spill last summer tourism has been down at the beach. In an effort to revitalize the area there are tons of commercials on TV about coming to the beach, one shows a family with a little girl (about Kennedy's age) in a pink bikini (similiar to the one she had on) running to the water. OMG! seriously what would have normally made me want to go there and spend a few days basking in the sun, has me running in the opposite direction. I want nothing more than to spend a few days listening to the waves and burying my feet in the warm sand but I cannot do it. Not now, maybe not ever. Knowing what I know now about how quickly things can happen and how dangerous the beach can be has me scared to death to ever enjoy it again. I want Bristol to experience the beach but fear that I may never let her near it. Anyone who knows us, knows that we love the beach and jumped at every opportunity to go there, now it's all different.

On another note, I celebrated with my friends on Sunday at my baby shower. It was nice. We got so many beautiful gifts. I swear I have no idea where we would be without our friends. That morning I didn't feel much like socializing but that mood passed quickly and I enjoyed the day. Yesterday, my dedicated PJ day, was spent putting things together and finding a home for all of the awesome things. It was bittersweet.

It's been awhile since I read the bible, I was reading it daily but really have been preoccupied lately that I just didn't get around to it. (not a very good excuse) Anyway, I am trying to read it more consistently now. I also prayed, prayed hard for several things last week and those prayers got answered. One for my own selfish reasons and another for a friend who is going through an adoption process. Coincidence? Maybe to some but I am chalking these up to answered prayers.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


For the past week I have been sorting things. Receipts, baby clothes, etc. I'm excited things feel lighter in my house and at the office. It was difficult to go through the receipts from last year, a time when I was still buying things for Kennedy and remembering our trips through the year. While I am glad that the bulk of it is done I know I still have the looming funeral expenses to itemize. While going through the mountain of paperwork I found her blue immunization card for school this year and a letter from my mother in law asking if Kennedy liked her Easter gifts. Finding these things is bittersweet.

My mother in law and sister in law sent a LOAD of baby clothes to us, via Joe's dad. I have spent the better part of the last few days sorting through the sizes and pairing things up. My sis in law even washed everything for me. There were several pieces that we duplicates of Kennedy's, imagining her in those outfits was painful but good. I can definitely say that we do not need any clothing for Bristol until shes at least 3 years old. Amazing!

Tomorrow I go for my three hour glucose tolerance test, since I failed my one hour test last week. Darn it! The last thing I want to do is sit at the doctor office for 4 hours but I guess its necessary. I had gestational diabetes with Kennedy and am pretty sure that it will be the same this time around. I very much dislike having to watch my diet.

School this session is officially kicking my butt! So many big projects, I am getting so sick of writing papers constantly. I have not worked on my book in weeks now, I know the times that I cannot even begin to sit down to work on it but unfortunately that has become the only time I can. I am choosing to get a better nights sleep over writing for now. I still make notes on my phone when I get an idea, so it's not that I have completely disregarded working on it.

I am officially counting down the days until Bristol is due! I cannot wait for her to get here. I pee 5 times a night, I am freezing everyone out of the house, I waddle because it feels so good, I cannot get up from a laying position without rolling to my side first. My weight gain has not even been an issue (20lbs so far) its just the extra girth of my belly that is wearing me out. Joe hasn't even had any off the wall comments lately aside from him thinking the wall fell down in the bathroom because I opened the window this morning because I was on fire after my shower. Poor guy has been wearing layers to bed at night and I even catch him using my half of the comforter that I don't use anymore.

My baby shower is this Sunday, I'm excited to see everyone. It seems like since I have been back to work, I haven't seen anybody in months.