Merry Christmas everyone!
Last year we didn't celebrate any holidays and this year we are only easing back into it for Bristol's sake. I want her to be able to enjoy these special times with family and friends without feeling guilty for doing so.
Those of you out there who think I/we use "our circumstance or situation" for special treatment are dead wrong.
1. Kennedy's death did not happen so I can have off of work at Christmas.
2. While you are enjoying your own child(ren) open their gifts left by Santa remember: I WILL NEVER, EVER SEE ONE OF MY CHILDREN, KENNEDY, OPEN CHRISTMAS GIFTS AGAIN. EVER!
3. Holidays, be it Valentine's day, 4th of July, Martin Luther King Day, will always be painful for us. While you are out enjoying the festivities we are grieving and missing our daughter who we will NEVER get to spend another holiday with.
4. Christmas shopping for others is almost unbearable when I am leaving out buying gifts for a child that loved opening them. Seeing the toy section in a store can bring me to my knees.
5. If I wanted fame from something in my life, I would have robbed a bank!
6. July 2nd (Kennedy's death) and August 26 (Kennedy's birthday) will always be a "holiday" for me. I will not be at work either of those days. Get over it and get used to it. While you are out celebrating by lighting fireworks on the 4th of July realize that I cringe at each and every firework. That's how "fun" my holiday's are!
The death of a child is awful and something I would never wish on my worst enemy! Life is forever changed, normal everyday events are unbearable. The physical pain from missing them is more than any pain med can erase.
I leave you with a Merry Christmas! Enjoy your families today and everyday, kiss the little ones an extra time and hug them extra tight and pray for those that will never understand the toll that this loss takes on everyone.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
My New Year Resolution
I am generally not much for New Year's resolutions but this year I figure why not? I also have decided to start this immediately, why wait until Jan 1?
I have finally come to a point in my life that I realize how important family and friends are. Family of course being first. My family has been nothing but supportive my entire life, during the most tragic time in my life and continues to be supportive. My friends, I will say I have a few that have stuck by my side, most have come and gone and "friend hopped" on to others.
My resolution this year is to no longer beg for friendships or participate in "one-sided" friendships. My energy is far too consumed by a crawling 6 month old to worry about calling this one and that one to check in, when the gesture is never returned.
This being said, I have not always been a great friend either, so I am going to also try harder with those that are close to me. Unfortunately through all of the chaos of my life the past 17 months, I lose track of time easily and forget that it has been several weeks, rather than days, since I last spoke to someone. This is something I am working on. Bear with me...
The last 17 months of my life have been chaotic, drama-filled, sad, happy, confused, lonely etc. Some of my "great" friends have dropped off the face of the earth when I needed them most. I grieve for this loss too. Others have just created more drama in my already abundantly dramatic life.
Today I begin this new "friend diet" and start shedding those that obviously have moved on to their other friends. I wish nothing but the best and happiness for all of my friends and that will never change it is really just time that I quit wasting my time.
I have finally come to a point in my life that I realize how important family and friends are. Family of course being first. My family has been nothing but supportive my entire life, during the most tragic time in my life and continues to be supportive. My friends, I will say I have a few that have stuck by my side, most have come and gone and "friend hopped" on to others.
My resolution this year is to no longer beg for friendships or participate in "one-sided" friendships. My energy is far too consumed by a crawling 6 month old to worry about calling this one and that one to check in, when the gesture is never returned.
This being said, I have not always been a great friend either, so I am going to also try harder with those that are close to me. Unfortunately through all of the chaos of my life the past 17 months, I lose track of time easily and forget that it has been several weeks, rather than days, since I last spoke to someone. This is something I am working on. Bear with me...
The last 17 months of my life have been chaotic, drama-filled, sad, happy, confused, lonely etc. Some of my "great" friends have dropped off the face of the earth when I needed them most. I grieve for this loss too. Others have just created more drama in my already abundantly dramatic life.
Today I begin this new "friend diet" and start shedding those that obviously have moved on to their other friends. I wish nothing but the best and happiness for all of my friends and that will never change it is really just time that I quit wasting my time.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thankful November
Sorry it's been so long since my last blog, it seems like I have been so busy doing nothing these days.
November 1 I decided to reflect every day on one thing that I was thankful for and write it down. This was eye opening because somedays it was hard for me to come up something to be thankful for! Really?! Yes! Other days it was easy. So here goes... (pardon the errors, I saved this each day in my iphone)
30 days of thankfuls
1- I am thankful for my sweet Bristol.
2-...for my church family. I always feel so welcome at OLV.
3-...for my shower cap.
4-...for the possibility of new opportunities.
5-...for having a job. Even though it makes me crazy sometimes.
6-...for Joe who gives up his social life on weekends to babysit B so I can work.
7-...for my family.
8-...for the scale finally budging!
9-...for Carolyn. She loves B like one of her own.
10-...for my iPhone. I'm just not sure what I'd do without it.
11-...for our veterans, past and present.
12-...for a good day at work. Take them when I can!
13-...for going to work today. Very cranky baby that was up all night.
14-...for my dad visiting and making sure I have a cooked meal when I get home exhausted from work.
15-...for a good nights sleep!
16-...for modern medicine and the fact that I did not have to feel my tooth being extracted.
17-...for Joe getting a good report after his colonoscopy.
18-...for my dad having the ability to come here and help us out this week. It was a busy one!
19-...for the snooze button on my alarm clock. Those 9 minutes mean a whole lot to me.
20-...for choosing to work in the nursing department that I work in. I love my co workers.
21-...for waking up to a happy, beautiful baby cooing in the monitor today.
22-...for my ability to be able work from home when necessary.
23-...for the Kelley family. Each month they sponsored a mass in honor of Kennedy, these services have made us get up and go to church in some of our darkest moments.
24-...for Joe who has been through the darkest moments with me and to this day still stands by my side. For Bristol for coming into my life and showing me that I can love again and have happiness. For Kennedy for showing me how precious life is. Because of her I have learned to appreciate so many things. Even if for a short time, I am so thankful to have been lucky enough to be her mother.
25-...for not having to shop in the chaos of black Friday.
26-...for only having to work weekends. It's nice working two days a week.
27-...for being flexible enough to deal with some interesting situations at work. Roll out the red carpet....
28-...for sinus medicine.
29-...for my strong moments because when my weak ones hit they take every bit of strength to get through.
30-...for getting to enjoy so many of Bristols moments with her.
November 1 I decided to reflect every day on one thing that I was thankful for and write it down. This was eye opening because somedays it was hard for me to come up something to be thankful for! Really?! Yes! Other days it was easy. So here goes... (pardon the errors, I saved this each day in my iphone)
30 days of thankfuls
1- I am thankful for my sweet Bristol.
2-...for my church family. I always feel so welcome at OLV.
3-...for my shower cap.
4-...for the possibility of new opportunities.
5-...for having a job. Even though it makes me crazy sometimes.
6-...for Joe who gives up his social life on weekends to babysit B so I can work.
7-...for my family.
8-...for the scale finally budging!
9-...for Carolyn. She loves B like one of her own.
10-...for my iPhone. I'm just not sure what I'd do without it.
11-...for our veterans, past and present.
12-...for a good day at work. Take them when I can!
13-...for going to work today. Very cranky baby that was up all night.
14-...for my dad visiting and making sure I have a cooked meal when I get home exhausted from work.
15-...for a good nights sleep!
16-...for modern medicine and the fact that I did not have to feel my tooth being extracted.
17-...for Joe getting a good report after his colonoscopy.
18-...for my dad having the ability to come here and help us out this week. It was a busy one!
19-...for the snooze button on my alarm clock. Those 9 minutes mean a whole lot to me.
20-...for choosing to work in the nursing department that I work in. I love my co workers.
21-...for waking up to a happy, beautiful baby cooing in the monitor today.
22-...for my ability to be able work from home when necessary.
23-...for the Kelley family. Each month they sponsored a mass in honor of Kennedy, these services have made us get up and go to church in some of our darkest moments.
24-...for Joe who has been through the darkest moments with me and to this day still stands by my side. For Bristol for coming into my life and showing me that I can love again and have happiness. For Kennedy for showing me how precious life is. Because of her I have learned to appreciate so many things. Even if for a short time, I am so thankful to have been lucky enough to be her mother.
25-...for not having to shop in the chaos of black Friday.
26-...for only having to work weekends. It's nice working two days a week.
27-...for being flexible enough to deal with some interesting situations at work. Roll out the red carpet....
28-...for sinus medicine.
29-...for my strong moments because when my weak ones hit they take every bit of strength to get through.
30-...for getting to enjoy so many of Bristols moments with her.
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