Things I should be doing.

This time of year seems to be the hardest. Kennedy loved it. In the words of Kenny Chesney "sunny days seem to hurt the most". There are so many things that I know I should be doing such as:
~Signing Kennedy up for Kindergarten. I just cannot believe that she would be old enough to start school. A dreaded time in most parents life, sending their child off to school, I could only wish.
~Witnessing Kennedy come down from the high of being in Disney World. I couldn't help but think how much she would have loved it. The princesses were her favorite. There was even a Handy Manny, we never got around to see him though, painful.
~Letting Kennedy plan her fifth birthday party. Would she have wanted ponies, inflatables or a pool party. I will never know.
~Watching Kennedy and Bristol play together. Although Joe and I decided that they would probably fight a lot. They are both pretty strong headed.
~I really should be cleaning my nasty house.
~Working on school work that I keep putting off.
~Planning Bristol's first birthday.

Some things on my list will never, ever be crossed off and I have to live with that every single day of my life. Checking off the things I can check off keeps me moving forward. Is this the way my life will always be? I have no idea but I have realized that when I take smaller steps I get further.

Our first night in Orlando was filled with nightmares. I dreamt of the ocean and violent waves. This was my first dream ever like this. It was awful. Another one of the many visions I have to live with every single day.

I hate grieving. It never goes away. I cannot take Tylenol and a nap and wake up with it gone. Bristol knows when we are grieving, she is usually very needy those days. I swear she is just trying so hard to make it better on us and keep us busy. I love her so much for that and at the same time hate that we cannot be happy all.the.time. for her sake.

Going's on

Never a dull moment here at our house. It's spring break which means we are working hard at home this week. Joe's yard project is finally getting somewhere. I have no idea what he will do when it's actually done. We are going to Disney next Tuesday so I have been getting ahead on school work so I don't have to worry about it while on vacay.
Bristol is now 10 months old. Her little personality is hilarious. She is serious but can be such a jokester at times. She knows the word no but defies it already. She loves to swing in her swing outside, loves going for walks in the stroller and hysterically laughs at Xander when he chases her bubbles. I just cannot believe that I will be planning her FIRST birthday in less than 2 months.
Seeing every ones pictures of the beach this week has thrown me back into panic. Sleepless nights just imagining that day all come back to me. I know this is something that I just have to work through but right now it seems like the pain of our loss of Kennedy will never get easier. My chest hurts the same now as it did that day. I really long for the day I will get to hold her in my arms again.
Bristol and I visit Kennedy as much as we can, I want Bristol to know her sister and to feel comfortable visiting her. I think she knows her sister is in Heaven though.

Merry Christmas to All (even the haters)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Last year we didn't celebrate any holidays and this year we are only easing back into it for Bristol's sake. I want her to be able to enjoy these special times with family and friends without feeling guilty for doing so.

Those of you out there who think I/we use "our circumstance or situation" for special treatment are dead wrong.

1. Kennedy's death did not happen so I can have off of work at Christmas.

2. While you are enjoying your own child(ren) open their gifts left by Santa remember: I WILL NEVER, EVER SEE ONE OF MY CHILDREN, KENNEDY, OPEN CHRISTMAS GIFTS AGAIN. EVER!

3. Holidays, be it Valentine's day, 4th of July, Martin Luther King Day, will always be painful for us. While you are out enjoying the festivities we are grieving and missing our daughter who we will NEVER get to spend another holiday with.

4. Christmas shopping for others is almost unbearable when I am leaving out buying gifts for a child that loved opening them. Seeing the toy section in a store can bring me to my knees.

5. If I wanted fame from something in my life, I would have robbed a bank!

6. July 2nd (Kennedy's death) and August 26 (Kennedy's birthday) will always be a "holiday" for me. I will not be at work either of those days. Get over it and get used to it. While you are out celebrating by lighting fireworks on the 4th of July realize that I cringe at each and every firework. That's how "fun" my holiday's are!

The death of a child is awful and something I would never wish on my worst enemy! Life is forever changed, normal everyday events are unbearable. The physical pain from missing them is more than any pain med can erase.

I leave you with a Merry Christmas! Enjoy your families today and everyday, kiss the little ones an extra time and hug them extra tight and pray for those that will never understand the toll that this loss takes on everyone.

Happy Birthday Kennedy

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear sweet Kennedy,
Happy Birthday to you!

Four years ago today our life was complete when Kennedy entered it. Four years ago, we found love that we never thought was possible. As I write this I cannot help but wonder who Kennedy would be today? How tall would she be? How long would her beautiful hair be? How many more faces would she be making? What would her favorite song be? What would her favorite show be? Would she still be carrying her "B" around? How about that thumb, would we have successfully weened her from sucking it?

The answers to these questions I will never know. I can only imagine. My love for Kennedy is still as strong as it was the day she was born four years ago. I will never stop loving her.

Birthdays and Beach trips

This month is a busy month, lots of birthday's. Kennedy's is one of them. August 26 is just as painful of a date as July 2 is. What do we do to commemorate it? Last year I was in such a fog/state of shock that we had a big celebration and I barely remember it or planning for it. I don't want to in 10, 15, 20 years celebrate the day by simply saying "Happy Birthday Kennedy". To me August 26 will always be her birthday and will always require a remembrance of some sort. Do I have another party with a cake and act like she is still here on this earth? It seems so strange to do that but it's not like I can go to Heaven and have a party for her up there. I am totally OK with being the crazy, grieving mother that still has a birthday party for her daughter every year but I now have Bristol to consider. Will she think this is completely weird? Right now she doesn't know what day is what, but I really don't want to mess her up. We'll all be in therapy together!

Aaaah the beach! After being tortured with every one's beach pictures and hearing about their awesome trips to the beach, we have finally planned a trip in September. We are not staying in Orange Beach but do plan on visiting there. I love the beach, so does Joe. It is killing us to be away from it and at the same time it's so painful. It's still hard for me to see a picture or video of waves crashing. I think this is one of those things that we HAVE to do to get over all of our fears.

By the way, three more weeks of school!!!! Woo Hoo! I have no idea how I did it!