This time of year seems to be the hardest. Kennedy loved it. In the words of Kenny Chesney "sunny days seem to hurt the most". There are so many things that I know I should be doing such as:
~Signing Kennedy up for Kindergarten. I just cannot believe that she would be old enough to start school. A dreaded time in most parents life, sending their child off to school, I could only wish.
~Witnessing Kennedy come down from the high of being in Disney World. I couldn't help but think how much she would have loved it. The princesses were her favorite. There was even a Handy Manny, we never got around to see him though, painful.
~Letting Kennedy plan her fifth birthday party. Would she have wanted ponies, inflatables or a pool party. I will never know.
~Watching Kennedy and Bristol play together. Although Joe and I decided that they would probably fight a lot. They are both pretty strong headed.
~I really should be cleaning my nasty house.
~Working on school work that I keep putting off.
~Planning Bristol's first birthday.
Some things on my list will never, ever be crossed off and I have to live with that every single day of my life. Checking off the things I can check off keeps me moving forward. Is this the way my life will always be? I have no idea but I have realized that when I take smaller steps I get further.
Our first night in Orlando was filled with nightmares. I dreamt of the ocean and violent waves. This was my first dream ever like this. It was awful. Another one of the many visions I have to live with every single day.
I hate grieving. It never goes away. I cannot take Tylenol and a nap and wake up with it gone. Bristol knows when we are grieving, she is usually very needy those days. I swear she is just trying so hard to make it better on us and keep us busy. I love her so much for that and at the same time hate that we cannot be happy all.the.time. for her sake.