Things I should be doing.

This time of year seems to be the hardest. Kennedy loved it. In the words of Kenny Chesney "sunny days seem to hurt the most". There are so many things that I know I should be doing such as:
~Signing Kennedy up for Kindergarten. I just cannot believe that she would be old enough to start school. A dreaded time in most parents life, sending their child off to school, I could only wish.
~Witnessing Kennedy come down from the high of being in Disney World. I couldn't help but think how much she would have loved it. The princesses were her favorite. There was even a Handy Manny, we never got around to see him though, painful.
~Letting Kennedy plan her fifth birthday party. Would she have wanted ponies, inflatables or a pool party. I will never know.
~Watching Kennedy and Bristol play together. Although Joe and I decided that they would probably fight a lot. They are both pretty strong headed.
~I really should be cleaning my nasty house.
~Working on school work that I keep putting off.
~Planning Bristol's first birthday.

Some things on my list will never, ever be crossed off and I have to live with that every single day of my life. Checking off the things I can check off keeps me moving forward. Is this the way my life will always be? I have no idea but I have realized that when I take smaller steps I get further.

Our first night in Orlando was filled with nightmares. I dreamt of the ocean and violent waves. This was my first dream ever like this. It was awful. Another one of the many visions I have to live with every single day.

I hate grieving. It never goes away. I cannot take Tylenol and a nap and wake up with it gone. Bristol knows when we are grieving, she is usually very needy those days. I swear she is just trying so hard to make it better on us and keep us busy. I love her so much for that and at the same time hate that we cannot be happy all.the.time. for her sake.

Going's on

Never a dull moment here at our house. It's spring break which means we are working hard at home this week. Joe's yard project is finally getting somewhere. I have no idea what he will do when it's actually done. We are going to Disney next Tuesday so I have been getting ahead on school work so I don't have to worry about it while on vacay.
Bristol is now 10 months old. Her little personality is hilarious. She is serious but can be such a jokester at times. She knows the word no but defies it already. She loves to swing in her swing outside, loves going for walks in the stroller and hysterically laughs at Xander when he chases her bubbles. I just cannot believe that I will be planning her FIRST birthday in less than 2 months.
Seeing every ones pictures of the beach this week has thrown me back into panic. Sleepless nights just imagining that day all come back to me. I know this is something that I just have to work through but right now it seems like the pain of our loss of Kennedy will never get easier. My chest hurts the same now as it did that day. I really long for the day I will get to hold her in my arms again.
Bristol and I visit Kennedy as much as we can, I want Bristol to know her sister and to feel comfortable visiting her. I think she knows her sister is in Heaven though.

Bittersweet Return

We made the painful decision to go back to the beach this past weekend. We chose not to go to Orange Beach but instead went to Pensacola Beach (If you recall the picture of Kennedy with her back to the camera looking out over the gulf, this is where it was taken in May of 2010).




May 2010

September 2011

 It was actually an easy trip. Bristol was surprisingly easy, although we were both sinus-ey, it was still a great trip.

I wondered if I was going to be able to even look at the water. I find it hard to look at it on TV or in pics, but being there made me want to see it. I only went in up to my ankles and that is probably all I will ever go in and that is fine with me. It was nice to not have anxiety when I saw the beauty of the beach this time.

We were able to make some pretty pictures with Bristol on the beach. We collected seashells, something I will always keep as a reminder to us of our strength to go forward. Will the beach ever be the same for us, NO, but we will continue to make new memories and grow from the old ones.

Our Little Family Feet

Reality hit me when we walked back into our house. On our last trip back in without Kennedy it was a somber, depressing entrance, the dogs even laid down and cried. This entrance was nothing like that, Bristol was wide awake in her carrier, the dogs were running around ready to be let outside, our life has continued on. It's amazing how slow and fast these past 14 months have gone, some days (most) are a blur and filled with anger and sadness but others are filled with the joy of Bristol. She is truly a blessing!

Birthdays and Beach trips

This month is a busy month, lots of birthday's. Kennedy's is one of them. August 26 is just as painful of a date as July 2 is. What do we do to commemorate it? Last year I was in such a fog/state of shock that we had a big celebration and I barely remember it or planning for it. I don't want to in 10, 15, 20 years celebrate the day by simply saying "Happy Birthday Kennedy". To me August 26 will always be her birthday and will always require a remembrance of some sort. Do I have another party with a cake and act like she is still here on this earth? It seems so strange to do that but it's not like I can go to Heaven and have a party for her up there. I am totally OK with being the crazy, grieving mother that still has a birthday party for her daughter every year but I now have Bristol to consider. Will she think this is completely weird? Right now she doesn't know what day is what, but I really don't want to mess her up. We'll all be in therapy together!

Aaaah the beach! After being tortured with every one's beach pictures and hearing about their awesome trips to the beach, we have finally planned a trip in September. We are not staying in Orange Beach but do plan on visiting there. I love the beach, so does Joe. It is killing us to be away from it and at the same time it's so painful. It's still hard for me to see a picture or video of waves crashing. I think this is one of those things that we HAVE to do to get over all of our fears.

By the way, three more weeks of school!!!! Woo Hoo! I have no idea how I did it!