She's here! Bristol was born on Sunday, May 15, 2011 at 1432, 6lbs 3 oz, 18" long. I had an amazingly easy labor and delivery, with the best coworkers/friends! Bristol is happy and healthy!
We couldn't be happier right now. It's amazing how you fall in love with someone you never even met so fast. Emotions hit me when I hit 9cm, I realized what I was in for, a huge episiotomy or tear and a painful recovery. I panicked a bit, but at 10cm, pushed with all my might, Bristol was here! I actually got to look down and see her being born, it was amazing. I have seen it a million times but this time it was different, she was mine and I was in love. I cried, happy tears and sad tears. Happy because there is a beautiful baby girl in my arms, sad because Kennedy wasn't with us to celebrate. Joe was amazed and in love too. Then his focus turned to the delivery of the placenta, lets just say the whole room got a tutorial from the doctor explaining how the placenta comes out. Then he saw it and said "I don't know how you women survive this, that looks like a deer stomach". Leave it to Joe to say something like that!
Bristol looks nothing like Kennedy when she was born, huge help. She is her own person. My doctor, who also delivered Kennedy, said it was a great thing for us that she looked totally different, I agree.
Everything I learned about newborns with Kennedy is out the window with Bristol. She is quiet, doesn't like to be swaddled, wants to cuddle and is breastfeeding so well. Kennedy was a spunky newborn, she was colicky, had to be swaddled, didn't care much to cuddle and did not breastfeed well. It's all so familiar yet so new to us.
Emotionally we are doing great, we miss Kennedy, we will never stop missing her, but we also feel that we were given what we needed, a sweet baby girl that wants our love. Joe made the comparison that Bristol is like a stray dog, she just wants to please us. Not a great comparison but it actually fits the situation.
People actually hold her, something I feared we would never let happen. Joe is still a germ-phobe and is 100% certain that hands are being washed before anyone gets within 10 feet of her, but that's Joe. As far as babysitting goes, not sure when we will let that happen, but we are definitely starting to move in a positive direction.
My posts will probably be few and far between for the next few weeks, school is kicking my butt this session and I really need to focus on it so I can finally finish this degree.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Nesting
So I made fun of Joe for nesting. He completely reorganized our house and still continues to do so. It was making me nuts but I was so thankful that I wasn't the one with the constant urge to run around and clean something. Not so fast.... Today while picking up a few things from wal-mart, the panic hit me. My baseboards are FILTHY, I have no idea when the last time I did the floors was, the bathrooms are probably a biohazard, the damn bird has feathers everywhere! OMG I had to get home and clean!
Unfortunately though, my energy and ability to clean most of the crap I was panicking about is just not there. I panic again, this is going to take me days to do! The car seat has to be put in too! I also have to work this weekend, work at Joe's office before the weekend and somehow deal with school.
Why am I stressing so much about the normal things that are always going on in my life? It's frustrating because I really do not think I have any control over these urges to clean. I managed to dry mop the baseboards, dust, Joe vacuumed, Orange-glo the wood floors in the living room (a rather large and exhausting job, I'll get to the foyer and dining room another day), got half of my school stuff done for this week and then I ran a bath and sat there until I pruned up.
Unfortunately though, my energy and ability to clean most of the crap I was panicking about is just not there. I panic again, this is going to take me days to do! The car seat has to be put in too! I also have to work this weekend, work at Joe's office before the weekend and somehow deal with school.
Why am I stressing so much about the normal things that are always going on in my life? It's frustrating because I really do not think I have any control over these urges to clean. I managed to dry mop the baseboards, dust, Joe vacuumed, Orange-glo the wood floors in the living room (a rather large and exhausting job, I'll get to the foyer and dining room another day), got half of my school stuff done for this week and then I ran a bath and sat there until I pruned up.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I'm baaaccckkkk!
Whew! What a crazy few weeks! I'm now almost 37 weeks pregnant and ready (so ready) to have this baby. The discomfort is driving me nuts, but I am no one to decide when she's ready to meet us. So I'll just keep on complaining.
Joe has recovered quickly from his little golf cart mishap. Thank goodness! Nothing broken, except his ego:).
I just started my second to last session of school. Only 16 weeks left! I am worn out and worry a lot about how I am going to do this when Bristol gets here. I was going to take this session off but after a pep talk from Joe I'm hitting it head on and still plan on finishing at the end of August.
This month marked 10 months since Kennedy's accident. I hate it, unfortunately time does move on and this is one of those things that we will always deal with.
April 27, 2011-WOW! We were warned of the strong possibility of very severe weather and tornadoes days in advance. I don't think anyone could have ever imagined just how severe it would get. This state is ravaged. Seeing pictures on TV and video does absolutely nothing for the shear force that these tornadoes brought. Seeing it for myself, up close and with my own eyes, made me realize that I never respected the destruction that a tornado could bring. I feel awful for everyone affected. Most lost everything. Imagine walking into your neighborhood and not even being able to figure out where your house was. The destruction is amazing. Somehow our county (Shelby) was spared, which made me thankful, because we probably would not be alive today if it weren't. We definitely were not prepared for an EF-5 tornado to directly hit us.
Joe and I spent sometime (with some friends of ours) handing out food and supplies. What we saw was nothing short of amazing. People who lost it all are HOPEFUL. They are walking around dazed but they are confident they will rebuild and are thankful for their lives. Their strength gives me hope, we may not have lost everything we owned but the loss of our daughter makes us feel that way. Seeing people continue on through tough times, makes me certain that we will also get through this, as hard as it is at times.
I am going to continue my efforts to collect any items that can be donated at a later time to these great people. The supply posts are packed full in the towns we were in, because those affected have no where to take the stuff to. The need will be great in a few months when they are rebuilding.
I must say that I am really proud to call Alabama home.
Joe has recovered quickly from his little golf cart mishap. Thank goodness! Nothing broken, except his ego:).
I just started my second to last session of school. Only 16 weeks left! I am worn out and worry a lot about how I am going to do this when Bristol gets here. I was going to take this session off but after a pep talk from Joe I'm hitting it head on and still plan on finishing at the end of August.
This month marked 10 months since Kennedy's accident. I hate it, unfortunately time does move on and this is one of those things that we will always deal with.
April 27, 2011-WOW! We were warned of the strong possibility of very severe weather and tornadoes days in advance. I don't think anyone could have ever imagined just how severe it would get. This state is ravaged. Seeing pictures on TV and video does absolutely nothing for the shear force that these tornadoes brought. Seeing it for myself, up close and with my own eyes, made me realize that I never respected the destruction that a tornado could bring. I feel awful for everyone affected. Most lost everything. Imagine walking into your neighborhood and not even being able to figure out where your house was. The destruction is amazing. Somehow our county (Shelby) was spared, which made me thankful, because we probably would not be alive today if it weren't. We definitely were not prepared for an EF-5 tornado to directly hit us.
Joe and I spent sometime (with some friends of ours) handing out food and supplies. What we saw was nothing short of amazing. People who lost it all are HOPEFUL. They are walking around dazed but they are confident they will rebuild and are thankful for their lives. Their strength gives me hope, we may not have lost everything we owned but the loss of our daughter makes us feel that way. Seeing people continue on through tough times, makes me certain that we will also get through this, as hard as it is at times.
I am going to continue my efforts to collect any items that can be donated at a later time to these great people. The supply posts are packed full in the towns we were in, because those affected have no where to take the stuff to. The need will be great in a few months when they are rebuilding.
I must say that I am really proud to call Alabama home.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Defects and Karma
I know I have blogged about this before but here I go again. We have the most defective animals!
Xander the Doberman saw a hot air balloon fly over our house this Saturday and got scared to death!. He is a 100+ pound baby. He sat shaking in his kennel for hours and almost a week later he is still scared to go outside without Joe or I. Seriously! His OCD caused him to lick a hot spot on his paw, not sure what to do about that.
Max is Max. He's the 11 year old pug. He cannot hear a thing but he and Xander somehow communicate when it's time to eat and Max teases Xander so much so that Xander acts like he's going to eat him. Max whines ALL the time. I yell at him to stop, but what good does it do, he can't hear me! He spends his days sleeping, whining and going in and outside continuously.
Bird. OH MY! She's always had issues! She spends 90% of her time sitting in the corner of the bottom of her cage doing nothing but squaking. She has recently become super destructive and vicious. She tears her cage apart all the time. Ladder gets ripped off, food and water covers torn off and thrown across the cage. We fix them and she tears it back up. The other night I decided to put my finger by her cage (yes I was teasing her) she pecked at my finger! Several times! I don't have any idea what shes so mad about, we are pretty nice to her. If she wasn't Kennedy's Bird I would seriously think about giving her away, it's just hard to part with her right now.
Karma. I believe that if you are a good person, then good things happen to you, If you are a bad person then bad things will happen. This week I got to thinking, what have I done that was so bad in this life to have my daughter taken from me? Surely it had to be something big, but I really would be able to remember that. Right?
Had a doctor appointment yesterday, my BP was ok, go figure! I spent a week feeling like crap, only to wake up on Wednesday, the day of my appointment to feeling great. Not that I wanted to feel bad but I think it would have made me feel not so crazy. My doctor frightened me, she asked me if I was going to counseling. Told her no, I haven't been in forever. She got super concerned and fearful almost for me. It worried me, it was a very serious conversation. Does she know or see something I don't see? Regardless, I made an appointment with our counselor. It can't hurt at this point. There really are a lot of mixed emotions right now. Happy, for a new baby. Sad, because Kennedy isn't here. Anxiety, can we safely raise Bristol? Anger, that this really happened to us.
Joe has been in a hole lately and really worried me. I know he is going through his own difficulties with this. Counseling will help us tremendously!
Xander the Doberman saw a hot air balloon fly over our house this Saturday and got scared to death!. He is a 100+ pound baby. He sat shaking in his kennel for hours and almost a week later he is still scared to go outside without Joe or I. Seriously! His OCD caused him to lick a hot spot on his paw, not sure what to do about that.
Max is Max. He's the 11 year old pug. He cannot hear a thing but he and Xander somehow communicate when it's time to eat and Max teases Xander so much so that Xander acts like he's going to eat him. Max whines ALL the time. I yell at him to stop, but what good does it do, he can't hear me! He spends his days sleeping, whining and going in and outside continuously.
Bird. OH MY! She's always had issues! She spends 90% of her time sitting in the corner of the bottom of her cage doing nothing but squaking. She has recently become super destructive and vicious. She tears her cage apart all the time. Ladder gets ripped off, food and water covers torn off and thrown across the cage. We fix them and she tears it back up. The other night I decided to put my finger by her cage (yes I was teasing her) she pecked at my finger! Several times! I don't have any idea what shes so mad about, we are pretty nice to her. If she wasn't Kennedy's Bird I would seriously think about giving her away, it's just hard to part with her right now.
Karma. I believe that if you are a good person, then good things happen to you, If you are a bad person then bad things will happen. This week I got to thinking, what have I done that was so bad in this life to have my daughter taken from me? Surely it had to be something big, but I really would be able to remember that. Right?
Had a doctor appointment yesterday, my BP was ok, go figure! I spent a week feeling like crap, only to wake up on Wednesday, the day of my appointment to feeling great. Not that I wanted to feel bad but I think it would have made me feel not so crazy. My doctor frightened me, she asked me if I was going to counseling. Told her no, I haven't been in forever. She got super concerned and fearful almost for me. It worried me, it was a very serious conversation. Does she know or see something I don't see? Regardless, I made an appointment with our counselor. It can't hurt at this point. There really are a lot of mixed emotions right now. Happy, for a new baby. Sad, because Kennedy isn't here. Anxiety, can we safely raise Bristol? Anger, that this really happened to us.
Joe has been in a hole lately and really worried me. I know he is going through his own difficulties with this. Counseling will help us tremendously!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Difficult days
So I have felt terrible for the last few days. Woke up the other day and my face and hands were swollen, my fingers so much that I could barely bend them. I decided to check my BP, it was elevated, not alarmingly elevated but definitely higher than my usual 110's over 60's. I called the doctor, who told me to rest. Really? Resting on a Wednesday is impossible for me, it's always a very busy day at the office for me and I had a million other things to do. Ugh! I ended up going to the office and working for just about an hour or so and then home to lay on my perch. I guess the rest helped me some, I woke up this morning less swollen but still running higher BP's. Thankfully, other than being so tired, I have no other crazy symptoms. Work should be so much fun this weekend. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday, hopefully things will be better by then.
I managed to get a little ahead of my game with my school work. Turned a paper in today that wasn't due until Sunday, that's a big accomplishment for me. Also worked on another paper that's not due until NEXT Sunday, this is an even bigger accomplishment for me. Only three weeks left of this semester! Woo Hoo!
Yesterday I realized that I am alone in this world. Everyone is so consumed with their day to day affairs and habits that they rarely have time for themselves, let alone to listen to someone complaining about how sad they are. Its amazing how so many people were "there for us" when the shit hit the fan this summer but as time goes on, we end up being dropped from their lives when we need them the most. Our road to a normal life will never be easy, nor will it ever be normal. I hate the fact that I know that for the rest of my life I will deal with pain, it will be worse at times and less at others but nonetheless, it will be there.
My life will be faced with decisions, difficult decisions, but none as difficult as the decisions that I made that led up to Kennedy's accident.
My bad days are bad lately, my good days are days that I can stop the stream of tears. I know that this will all get better with time but unfortunately time just doesn't seem to be on my side anymore either.
I managed to get a little ahead of my game with my school work. Turned a paper in today that wasn't due until Sunday, that's a big accomplishment for me. Also worked on another paper that's not due until NEXT Sunday, this is an even bigger accomplishment for me. Only three weeks left of this semester! Woo Hoo!
Yesterday I realized that I am alone in this world. Everyone is so consumed with their day to day affairs and habits that they rarely have time for themselves, let alone to listen to someone complaining about how sad they are. Its amazing how so many people were "there for us" when the shit hit the fan this summer but as time goes on, we end up being dropped from their lives when we need them the most. Our road to a normal life will never be easy, nor will it ever be normal. I hate the fact that I know that for the rest of my life I will deal with pain, it will be worse at times and less at others but nonetheless, it will be there.
My life will be faced with decisions, difficult decisions, but none as difficult as the decisions that I made that led up to Kennedy's accident.
My bad days are bad lately, my good days are days that I can stop the stream of tears. I know that this will all get better with time but unfortunately time just doesn't seem to be on my side anymore either.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Me, Myself, and I
I'm not really sure what is going on. I have been on this selfish spiral lately. All things are about me. I'm tired. My ankles hurt. I want this, I want that. I'm not sure if this is part of the grief process or pregnancy or just me being ridiculous. It's funny that when I get on one of these rants Joe just ignores me. He doesn't feed into it, he just plays his video game and lets me carry on about me.
I am also blaming myself for Kennedy's accident. This is new. Up until this point I called it an unpreventable accident and blamed no one. Now I blame myself, all the things I could have done differently years ago to prevent this. I know in my heart that this was an accident but I feel so much better blaming myself. I am guessing this is just another phase of grief. Maybe I should get my butt back to counseling...
I am also feeling completely inadequate in the sense that I want to make something positive of this situation but have no idea where to start. Adoption for us is not an option right now, being the face of beach safety is not an option either. What can I do? Start a memorial fund? There is a nonprofit organization that will set one up for us free of charge and handle all of the business end of it. But who does it benefit? Drowning victims? Then I go back to my selfishness, our business is struggling, our finances are a mess, how do I ask people to donate money to our fund when I can't donate to theirs?
I spent well over an hour at Kennedy's columbarium yesterday eating lunch, thinking and crying. All I could focus on was how much I miss her, how I never brought her to OLV church and how she is laid to rest in an unfamiliar place.
Joe seems to really be dealing with me well. I've managed to say some ugly things to him, which were meant to blame me, but he took it as me blaming him. He really just ignores me and chalks it up to a bad day I guess or crazy pregnancy hormones. I think as Bristol's delivery date gets closer we are getting more and more anxious. We both want what is best for her but how do we do that without letting her out of our sight?
On a completely different note, I had my 30 week check up this week. All is well. Strong heartbeat. Measuring on time. My weight gain has picked up full force. Sorry Brookwood L&D, you got a biggun' delivering in a few weeks.
My book writing has really suffered this month. My laptop crashed and I am unable to mentally fight with the laptop trying to retreive the file. It's very exhausting and frustrating fighting with something that is a whole lot smarter than I will ever be. I am hoping to get back to it full force in April.
I am also blaming myself for Kennedy's accident. This is new. Up until this point I called it an unpreventable accident and blamed no one. Now I blame myself, all the things I could have done differently years ago to prevent this. I know in my heart that this was an accident but I feel so much better blaming myself. I am guessing this is just another phase of grief. Maybe I should get my butt back to counseling...
I am also feeling completely inadequate in the sense that I want to make something positive of this situation but have no idea where to start. Adoption for us is not an option right now, being the face of beach safety is not an option either. What can I do? Start a memorial fund? There is a nonprofit organization that will set one up for us free of charge and handle all of the business end of it. But who does it benefit? Drowning victims? Then I go back to my selfishness, our business is struggling, our finances are a mess, how do I ask people to donate money to our fund when I can't donate to theirs?
I spent well over an hour at Kennedy's columbarium yesterday eating lunch, thinking and crying. All I could focus on was how much I miss her, how I never brought her to OLV church and how she is laid to rest in an unfamiliar place.
Joe seems to really be dealing with me well. I've managed to say some ugly things to him, which were meant to blame me, but he took it as me blaming him. He really just ignores me and chalks it up to a bad day I guess or crazy pregnancy hormones. I think as Bristol's delivery date gets closer we are getting more and more anxious. We both want what is best for her but how do we do that without letting her out of our sight?
On a completely different note, I had my 30 week check up this week. All is well. Strong heartbeat. Measuring on time. My weight gain has picked up full force. Sorry Brookwood L&D, you got a biggun' delivering in a few weeks.
My book writing has really suffered this month. My laptop crashed and I am unable to mentally fight with the laptop trying to retreive the file. It's very exhausting and frustrating fighting with something that is a whole lot smarter than I will ever be. I am hoping to get back to it full force in April.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Keeping the faith
It's been such a busy couple of weeks for us! Joe's dad came to visit, I had a bunch of appointments, papers due, baby shower to think about, thankfully things have slowed down some this week-with the exception of school! Gosh it is wearing me out. I was urged to not take these two classes together because they are the more difficult ones in the program. I figured best to take them before I deliver Bristol and my placenta takes my remaining brain cells with it. Hmmm, maybe not the best idea. Whatever, I've been through worse.
Since the oil spill last summer tourism has been down at the beach. In an effort to revitalize the area there are tons of commercials on TV about coming to the beach, one shows a family with a little girl (about Kennedy's age) in a pink bikini (similiar to the one she had on) running to the water. OMG! seriously what would have normally made me want to go there and spend a few days basking in the sun, has me running in the opposite direction. I want nothing more than to spend a few days listening to the waves and burying my feet in the warm sand but I cannot do it. Not now, maybe not ever. Knowing what I know now about how quickly things can happen and how dangerous the beach can be has me scared to death to ever enjoy it again. I want Bristol to experience the beach but fear that I may never let her near it. Anyone who knows us, knows that we love the beach and jumped at every opportunity to go there, now it's all different.
On another note, I celebrated with my friends on Sunday at my baby shower. It was nice. We got so many beautiful gifts. I swear I have no idea where we would be without our friends. That morning I didn't feel much like socializing but that mood passed quickly and I enjoyed the day. Yesterday, my dedicated PJ day, was spent putting things together and finding a home for all of the awesome things. It was bittersweet.
It's been awhile since I read the bible, I was reading it daily but really have been preoccupied lately that I just didn't get around to it. (not a very good excuse) Anyway, I am trying to read it more consistently now. I also prayed, prayed hard for several things last week and those prayers got answered. One for my own selfish reasons and another for a friend who is going through an adoption process. Coincidence? Maybe to some but I am chalking these up to answered prayers.
Since the oil spill last summer tourism has been down at the beach. In an effort to revitalize the area there are tons of commercials on TV about coming to the beach, one shows a family with a little girl (about Kennedy's age) in a pink bikini (similiar to the one she had on) running to the water. OMG! seriously what would have normally made me want to go there and spend a few days basking in the sun, has me running in the opposite direction. I want nothing more than to spend a few days listening to the waves and burying my feet in the warm sand but I cannot do it. Not now, maybe not ever. Knowing what I know now about how quickly things can happen and how dangerous the beach can be has me scared to death to ever enjoy it again. I want Bristol to experience the beach but fear that I may never let her near it. Anyone who knows us, knows that we love the beach and jumped at every opportunity to go there, now it's all different.
On another note, I celebrated with my friends on Sunday at my baby shower. It was nice. We got so many beautiful gifts. I swear I have no idea where we would be without our friends. That morning I didn't feel much like socializing but that mood passed quickly and I enjoyed the day. Yesterday, my dedicated PJ day, was spent putting things together and finding a home for all of the awesome things. It was bittersweet.
It's been awhile since I read the bible, I was reading it daily but really have been preoccupied lately that I just didn't get around to it. (not a very good excuse) Anyway, I am trying to read it more consistently now. I also prayed, prayed hard for several things last week and those prayers got answered. One for my own selfish reasons and another for a friend who is going through an adoption process. Coincidence? Maybe to some but I am chalking these up to answered prayers.
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