Healing

This week has been absolutely beautiful weather wise. I sat on the driveway and watched Joe plant some shrubs and soaked up the sun for a few minutes, only to be saddened because, if Kennedy were still here, she would and should have been out there with me. This is just another one of those firsts that I keep experiencing. They are hard but I manage to get through them. I had to put away the visual image of her toys strewn all over the driveway and the million chalk drawings that would normally be scattered everywhere.

I seem to be having so many more emotional days, it has to be my hormones. I cry at the silliest things and then I can't stop. I guess it goes with the territory.

Today I did something I have been putting off for so long. I went to Kennedy's Mother's Day Out to visit. I worried that I would fall into a heap as soon as I walked in. Thankfully, because of the pretty weather, everyone was outside. I took a deep breath, got out of my car and walked over to that playground. It was hard to not see Kennedy at the top of the slide or playing with one of her classmates but I managed. I spoke to all of the great teachers at that school, they were awesome with all the kids, Kennedy included. She loved going to school as much as I loved the break.

I knew there was a mural painted at some point during last school year and Kennedy's hand print was used to make a flower. I went in that building, I didn't fall to a heap on the floor, took a picture of the hand print and was proud of my baby for making the only smudgy hand print on that whole wall. It was her, she was a mess. That hand print means so much to me, I had a casting kit from very soon after she was born but just never found the time to cast her print.

Down the entire length of the hallway, Ms. Michelle, painted a summer/spring beautiful mural with birds, and flowers and green grass. In this mural is a picture of a little girl with pig tails, carrying a lunch box, with the monogram KHA, wearing cute red boots  (with the Alabama logo). The thought that her teachers keep her in their memory was amazing to me. I know they remember her but to memorialize her in such a way was so much more than I could ever ask for. I  teared up in that hallway. I am forever grateful for them!

I got to see some of Kennedy's old classmates, they grew up so much, it helped me to visualize what Kennedy would be like today. I miss her and everything about her and truly hate that she is not here anymore, she was the perfect kid! I have been juggling back and forth again with the "why us?" The only solution I could come up with is that somehow, someway I/we will make a positive difference in this world, dealing with this tragedy has given me such a different perspective on life and just how precious it is. Someday when I know what that calling is I will share it with all of you.

Here are the pictures I took: