Things really couldn't be busier in our lives right now and stressful. I have come to the realization that nothing will ever be easy for Joe and I, ever. Every day getting out of bed is an uphill battle, add the stresses of life to that and it seems pointless sometimes to get out of bed. After talking with a friend last week, who also lost a child, I realize she goes through the same difficulties. They may not be the same situations, but tasks that are easy for everyone else just aren't that simple for us.
It is frustrating. How much more are we going to be tested? Haven't we been handed enough? It seems that when things can't get much worse they do. Yet we keep pushing ourselves. At some point I fear that we will just give up and throw in the towel. I am scared for that day.
I am at the point in my life where I am sick of the drama. It's so meaningless and exhausting.
I have been writing, not everyday but most days. I decided that I can't write on Friday's anymore, too many emotions get stirred up and I cannot sleep for work the next day. I'm proud of myself so far, I really didn't think I could do it, yes it's very hard and yes I've had to skip some parts but for the most part its flowing pretty easily. I am spelling and grammer checks worst nightmare! The whole document is filled with those stupid green and red squiggly marks. I guess I can fix those on a brain freeze day. Whether or not I publish this book I know how much it is helping it me. Publishing it is definitely something that I would like to do but I won't be upset if that doesn't happen.
I've been more emotional in the past week. I'm not sure if its pregnancy hormones, grief finally hitting me, stress or just needing to increase my prozac. Either way, I cry more now than I have in awhile. I had the pain in my chest again, the empty pain that I had for months after the accident. I just wished so badly last night that Kennedy were laying by me in bed sucking her thumb and rubbing my arm. I don't wish for another day with her, that would be too hard, I want our lifetime together back. One more day with her wouldn't fulfill me at all. She would be gone again and the pain would come back.