Things really couldn't be busier in our lives right now and stressful. I have come to the realization that nothing will ever be easy for Joe and I, ever. Every day getting out of bed is an uphill battle, add the stresses of life to that and it seems pointless sometimes to get out of bed. After talking with a friend last week, who also lost a child, I realize she goes through the same difficulties. They may not be the same situations, but tasks that are easy for everyone else just aren't that simple for us.
It is frustrating. How much more are we going to be tested? Haven't we been handed enough? It seems that when things can't get much worse they do. Yet we keep pushing ourselves. At some point I fear that we will just give up and throw in the towel. I am scared for that day.
I am at the point in my life where I am sick of the drama. It's so meaningless and exhausting.
I have been writing, not everyday but most days. I decided that I can't write on Friday's anymore, too many emotions get stirred up and I cannot sleep for work the next day. I'm proud of myself so far, I really didn't think I could do it, yes it's very hard and yes I've had to skip some parts but for the most part its flowing pretty easily. I am spelling and grammer checks worst nightmare! The whole document is filled with those stupid green and red squiggly marks. I guess I can fix those on a brain freeze day. Whether or not I publish this book I know how much it is helping it me. Publishing it is definitely something that I would like to do but I won't be upset if that doesn't happen.
I've been more emotional in the past week. I'm not sure if its pregnancy hormones, grief finally hitting me, stress or just needing to increase my prozac. Either way, I cry more now than I have in awhile. I had the pain in my chest again, the empty pain that I had for months after the accident. I just wished so badly last night that Kennedy were laying by me in bed sucking her thumb and rubbing my arm. I don't wish for another day with her, that would be too hard, I want our lifetime together back. One more day with her wouldn't fulfill me at all. She would be gone again and the pain would come back.
Becky, the Lord would not put anything on you and Joe that you both could not handle. Maybe it doesnt seem like it now, but it is making you stronger human beings, a stronger couple, and stronger parents. I hurt for you often. keep your head held high.
ReplyDeleteWhat you have been through is incredibly unfair & you have stayed so strong. Thinking of you & your sweet Kennedy, & sending hugs & prayers daily.
ReplyDeleteBecky, reading your blogs have touched me in so many ways. Almost all of them make me shed a few tears, though! One of the things that Ihave realized because of your writing, is to take advantage of every moment with my loved ones, but then I get so scared...just the thoughtof something happening to one someone scares the HELL out of me. When I am holding my grandkids, I just want to hold on so tight, you, Joe and Kennedy are in my thoughts just so much. I read about you wanting to take Kennedy to Disney, read it to Tarone, I was choking up so bad while reading it and he had tears in his eyes. We took our family this January, all of them, including my parents and we paid for the house, it was gorgeous! we bought all the Disney park tickets for them, it was something we wanted to do, we may never be able to do it again. We probably spent more than we should have, but after reading your blog, it made me realize (and even more made Tarone realize) that money means nothing compared to having these memories with our family! I THANK YOU so much for making us realize this! Please keep writing, you have no idea how many people you may be helping in some way! Love to all of you!
ReplyDeleteHey girl, I'm so glad to hear that the writing is helping you. I knew it would...even though at times it'll tear your heart out. One nurse to another, I think you can understand what I mean when I refer to writing a memoir as 'emotional wound debridement'. It hurts like hell, but the healing goes so much better afterwards.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that if you need help with it or have any questions, don't hesitate to call or message me. I'll do whatever I can. I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.
~Angela Blount
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ReplyDeleteSweet Becky,
ReplyDeleteYour precious Kennedy has only been gone for a short time and you are still in the midst of very raw grief. I hate that you seem to feel so hopeless in this post. THINGS WILL GET BETTER!! It might not seem like it today but trust in God and know that He has a plan for each of us and each of our lives has a purpose. I know that is probably not very comforting and you might be thinking "Blah, blah, blah lady, talk to me when you have been through what I have been through." But know that there are many people including complete strangers like myself that are praying for you and Joe daily!!
Hugs,
Katherine