I am generally not much for New Year's resolutions but this year I figure why not? I also have decided to start this immediately, why wait until Jan 1?
I have finally come to a point in my life that I realize how important family and friends are. Family of course being first. My family has been nothing but supportive my entire life, during the most tragic time in my life and continues to be supportive. My friends, I will say I have a few that have stuck by my side, most have come and gone and "friend hopped" on to others.
My resolution this year is to no longer beg for friendships or participate in "one-sided" friendships. My energy is far too consumed by a crawling 6 month old to worry about calling this one and that one to check in, when the gesture is never returned.
This being said, I have not always been a great friend either, so I am going to also try harder with those that are close to me. Unfortunately through all of the chaos of my life the past 17 months, I lose track of time easily and forget that it has been several weeks, rather than days, since I last spoke to someone. This is something I am working on. Bear with me...
The last 17 months of my life have been chaotic, drama-filled, sad, happy, confused, lonely etc. Some of my "great" friends have dropped off the face of the earth when I needed them most. I grieve for this loss too. Others have just created more drama in my already abundantly dramatic life.
Today I begin this new "friend diet" and start shedding those that obviously have moved on to their other friends. I wish nothing but the best and happiness for all of my friends and that will never change it is really just time that I quit wasting my time.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thankful November
Sorry it's been so long since my last blog, it seems like I have been so busy doing nothing these days.
November 1 I decided to reflect every day on one thing that I was thankful for and write it down. This was eye opening because somedays it was hard for me to come up something to be thankful for! Really?! Yes! Other days it was easy. So here goes... (pardon the errors, I saved this each day in my iphone)
30 days of thankfuls
1- I am thankful for my sweet Bristol.
2-...for my church family. I always feel so welcome at OLV.
3-...for my shower cap.
4-...for the possibility of new opportunities.
5-...for having a job. Even though it makes me crazy sometimes.
6-...for Joe who gives up his social life on weekends to babysit B so I can work.
7-...for my family.
8-...for the scale finally budging!
9-...for Carolyn. She loves B like one of her own.
10-...for my iPhone. I'm just not sure what I'd do without it.
11-...for our veterans, past and present.
12-...for a good day at work. Take them when I can!
13-...for going to work today. Very cranky baby that was up all night.
14-...for my dad visiting and making sure I have a cooked meal when I get home exhausted from work.
15-...for a good nights sleep!
16-...for modern medicine and the fact that I did not have to feel my tooth being extracted.
17-...for Joe getting a good report after his colonoscopy.
18-...for my dad having the ability to come here and help us out this week. It was a busy one!
19-...for the snooze button on my alarm clock. Those 9 minutes mean a whole lot to me.
20-...for choosing to work in the nursing department that I work in. I love my co workers.
21-...for waking up to a happy, beautiful baby cooing in the monitor today.
22-...for my ability to be able work from home when necessary.
23-...for the Kelley family. Each month they sponsored a mass in honor of Kennedy, these services have made us get up and go to church in some of our darkest moments.
24-...for Joe who has been through the darkest moments with me and to this day still stands by my side. For Bristol for coming into my life and showing me that I can love again and have happiness. For Kennedy for showing me how precious life is. Because of her I have learned to appreciate so many things. Even if for a short time, I am so thankful to have been lucky enough to be her mother.
25-...for not having to shop in the chaos of black Friday.
26-...for only having to work weekends. It's nice working two days a week.
27-...for being flexible enough to deal with some interesting situations at work. Roll out the red carpet....
28-...for sinus medicine.
29-...for my strong moments because when my weak ones hit they take every bit of strength to get through.
30-...for getting to enjoy so many of Bristols moments with her.
November 1 I decided to reflect every day on one thing that I was thankful for and write it down. This was eye opening because somedays it was hard for me to come up something to be thankful for! Really?! Yes! Other days it was easy. So here goes... (pardon the errors, I saved this each day in my iphone)
30 days of thankfuls
1- I am thankful for my sweet Bristol.
2-...for my church family. I always feel so welcome at OLV.
3-...for my shower cap.
4-...for the possibility of new opportunities.
5-...for having a job. Even though it makes me crazy sometimes.
6-...for Joe who gives up his social life on weekends to babysit B so I can work.
7-...for my family.
8-...for the scale finally budging!
9-...for Carolyn. She loves B like one of her own.
10-...for my iPhone. I'm just not sure what I'd do without it.
11-...for our veterans, past and present.
12-...for a good day at work. Take them when I can!
13-...for going to work today. Very cranky baby that was up all night.
14-...for my dad visiting and making sure I have a cooked meal when I get home exhausted from work.
15-...for a good nights sleep!
16-...for modern medicine and the fact that I did not have to feel my tooth being extracted.
17-...for Joe getting a good report after his colonoscopy.
18-...for my dad having the ability to come here and help us out this week. It was a busy one!
19-...for the snooze button on my alarm clock. Those 9 minutes mean a whole lot to me.
20-...for choosing to work in the nursing department that I work in. I love my co workers.
21-...for waking up to a happy, beautiful baby cooing in the monitor today.
22-...for my ability to be able work from home when necessary.
23-...for the Kelley family. Each month they sponsored a mass in honor of Kennedy, these services have made us get up and go to church in some of our darkest moments.
24-...for Joe who has been through the darkest moments with me and to this day still stands by my side. For Bristol for coming into my life and showing me that I can love again and have happiness. For Kennedy for showing me how precious life is. Because of her I have learned to appreciate so many things. Even if for a short time, I am so thankful to have been lucky enough to be her mother.
25-...for not having to shop in the chaos of black Friday.
26-...for only having to work weekends. It's nice working two days a week.
27-...for being flexible enough to deal with some interesting situations at work. Roll out the red carpet....
28-...for sinus medicine.
29-...for my strong moments because when my weak ones hit they take every bit of strength to get through.
30-...for getting to enjoy so many of Bristols moments with her.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Being Joe's Wife
This weeks event's have prompted me to write this blog. Joe is one unique individual and being married to him is one heck of an experience, sometimes I think we would really make a great reality show!
My sweet husbands reply to me on Sunday morning when I tell him I'm going to the ER, "why?" my answer - "because I'm dying", his earth shattering reply "OK". Not the response I was looking for but not exactly unexpected either.
We have introduced solid foods to Bristol, which has been pretty easy, so my instructions to Joe were easy while I was at work, bottle, carrots, keep her happy, etc. He told me he had a very hard time with the solids and was just going to let me do that for now because she was just not having it. Turn to Monday morning when I was spoon feeding Bristol some cereal and he says to me "oh I didn't know you had to put the spoon in her mouth". REALLY?! did he think that her food just jumped off the spoon into her mouth. He's done this before!
I have come to realize that my life with Joe will be filled with repeating myself over and over, picking up the dirty clothes from around the laundry basket, listening to him retell the same stories over and over, hearing him bite his nails, scratch his head, obsess about things out of his control for weeks at a time, and deal with his ADHD and OCD and whatever initials you wanna throw in there.
I do also realize that my life with Joe is filled with love, devotion and understanding. An understanding so deep that could never be found anywhere else. I guess we are stuck with each till we're old and gray and figuring out how to get our food to jump off the spoon into our mouth's:)
My sweet husbands reply to me on Sunday morning when I tell him I'm going to the ER, "why?" my answer - "because I'm dying", his earth shattering reply "OK". Not the response I was looking for but not exactly unexpected either.
We have introduced solid foods to Bristol, which has been pretty easy, so my instructions to Joe were easy while I was at work, bottle, carrots, keep her happy, etc. He told me he had a very hard time with the solids and was just going to let me do that for now because she was just not having it. Turn to Monday morning when I was spoon feeding Bristol some cereal and he says to me "oh I didn't know you had to put the spoon in her mouth". REALLY?! did he think that her food just jumped off the spoon into her mouth. He's done this before!
I have come to realize that my life with Joe will be filled with repeating myself over and over, picking up the dirty clothes from around the laundry basket, listening to him retell the same stories over and over, hearing him bite his nails, scratch his head, obsess about things out of his control for weeks at a time, and deal with his ADHD and OCD and whatever initials you wanna throw in there.
I do also realize that my life with Joe is filled with love, devotion and understanding. An understanding so deep that could never be found anywhere else. I guess we are stuck with each till we're old and gray and figuring out how to get our food to jump off the spoon into our mouth's:)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Bittersweet Return
We made the painful decision to go back to the beach this past weekend. We chose not to go to Orange Beach but instead went to Pensacola Beach (If you recall the picture of Kennedy with her back to the camera looking out over the gulf, this is where it was taken in May of 2010).
It was actually an easy trip. Bristol was surprisingly easy, although we were both sinus-ey, it was still a great trip.
I wondered if I was going to be able to even look at the water. I find it hard to look at it on TV or in pics, but being there made me want to see it. I only went in up to my ankles and that is probably all I will ever go in and that is fine with me. It was nice to not have anxiety when I saw the beauty of the beach this time.
We were able to make some pretty pictures with Bristol on the beach. We collected seashells, something I will always keep as a reminder to us of our strength to go forward. Will the beach ever be the same for us, NO, but we will continue to make new memories and grow from the old ones.
Reality hit me when we walked back into our house. On our last trip back in without Kennedy it was a somber, depressing entrance, the dogs even laid down and cried. This entrance was nothing like that, Bristol was wide awake in her carrier, the dogs were running around ready to be let outside, our life has continued on. It's amazing how slow and fast these past 14 months have gone, some days (most) are a blur and filled with anger and sadness but others are filled with the joy of Bristol. She is truly a blessing!
 |
May 2010 |
I wondered if I was going to be able to even look at the water. I find it hard to look at it on TV or in pics, but being there made me want to see it. I only went in up to my ankles and that is probably all I will ever go in and that is fine with me. It was nice to not have anxiety when I saw the beauty of the beach this time.
We were able to make some pretty pictures with Bristol on the beach. We collected seashells, something I will always keep as a reminder to us of our strength to go forward. Will the beach ever be the same for us, NO, but we will continue to make new memories and grow from the old ones.
 |
| Our Little Family Feet |
Friday, August 26, 2011
Happy Birthday Kennedy
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear sweet Kennedy,
Happy Birthday to you!
Four years ago today our life was complete when Kennedy entered it. Four years ago, we found love that we never thought was possible. As I write this I cannot help but wonder who Kennedy would be today? How tall would she be? How long would her beautiful hair be? How many more faces would she be making? What would her favorite song be? What would her favorite show be? Would she still be carrying her "B" around? How about that thumb, would we have successfully weened her from sucking it?
The answers to these questions I will never know. I can only imagine. My love for Kennedy is still as strong as it was the day she was born four years ago. I will never stop loving her.
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear sweet Kennedy,
Happy Birthday to you!
Four years ago today our life was complete when Kennedy entered it. Four years ago, we found love that we never thought was possible. As I write this I cannot help but wonder who Kennedy would be today? How tall would she be? How long would her beautiful hair be? How many more faces would she be making? What would her favorite song be? What would her favorite show be? Would she still be carrying her "B" around? How about that thumb, would we have successfully weened her from sucking it?
The answers to these questions I will never know. I can only imagine. My love for Kennedy is still as strong as it was the day she was born four years ago. I will never stop loving her.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Smiles
I am so enjoying seeing the new smiles that Bristol comes up with every day. She's such a happy girl. They are so innocent and pure. She is so happy in this world. It is hard for me to not think about Kennedy's smile. It was so adorable but rarely caught on camera. She would smile so big until I pulled that camera out and then we got the serious face. The rare pictures I have of her smiling or smirking are such a treasure.
The smiles that my girls have given me are heartwarming and consoling, I just don't know what I would do without them.
Seeing them smile, makes me smile. With Kennedy, I smile for the times remembered with her. With Bristol, I smile for the times we have yet to create.
The smiles that my girls have given me are heartwarming and consoling, I just don't know what I would do without them.
Seeing them smile, makes me smile. With Kennedy, I smile for the times remembered with her. With Bristol, I smile for the times we have yet to create.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Birthdays and Beach trips
This month is a busy month, lots of birthday's. Kennedy's is one of them. August 26 is just as painful of a date as July 2 is. What do we do to commemorate it? Last year I was in such a fog/state of shock that we had a big celebration and I barely remember it or planning for it. I don't want to in 10, 15, 20 years celebrate the day by simply saying "Happy Birthday Kennedy". To me August 26 will always be her birthday and will always require a remembrance of some sort. Do I have another party with a cake and act like she is still here on this earth? It seems so strange to do that but it's not like I can go to Heaven and have a party for her up there. I am totally OK with being the crazy, grieving mother that still has a birthday party for her daughter every year but I now have Bristol to consider. Will she think this is completely weird? Right now she doesn't know what day is what, but I really don't want to mess her up. We'll all be in therapy together!
Aaaah the beach! After being tortured with every one's beach pictures and hearing about their awesome trips to the beach, we have finally planned a trip in September. We are not staying in Orange Beach but do plan on visiting there. I love the beach, so does Joe. It is killing us to be away from it and at the same time it's so painful. It's still hard for me to see a picture or video of waves crashing. I think this is one of those things that we HAVE to do to get over all of our fears.
By the way, three more weeks of school!!!! Woo Hoo! I have no idea how I did it!
Aaaah the beach! After being tortured with every one's beach pictures and hearing about their awesome trips to the beach, we have finally planned a trip in September. We are not staying in Orange Beach but do plan on visiting there. I love the beach, so does Joe. It is killing us to be away from it and at the same time it's so painful. It's still hard for me to see a picture or video of waves crashing. I think this is one of those things that we HAVE to do to get over all of our fears.
By the way, three more weeks of school!!!! Woo Hoo! I have no idea how I did it!
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