So I have felt terrible for the last few days. Woke up the other day and my face and hands were swollen, my fingers so much that I could barely bend them. I decided to check my BP, it was elevated, not alarmingly elevated but definitely higher than my usual 110's over 60's. I called the doctor, who told me to rest. Really? Resting on a Wednesday is impossible for me, it's always a very busy day at the office for me and I had a million other things to do. Ugh! I ended up going to the office and working for just about an hour or so and then home to lay on my perch. I guess the rest helped me some, I woke up this morning less swollen but still running higher BP's. Thankfully, other than being so tired, I have no other crazy symptoms. Work should be so much fun this weekend. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday, hopefully things will be better by then.
I managed to get a little ahead of my game with my school work. Turned a paper in today that wasn't due until Sunday, that's a big accomplishment for me. Also worked on another paper that's not due until NEXT Sunday, this is an even bigger accomplishment for me. Only three weeks left of this semester! Woo Hoo!
Yesterday I realized that I am alone in this world. Everyone is so consumed with their day to day affairs and habits that they rarely have time for themselves, let alone to listen to someone complaining about how sad they are. Its amazing how so many people were "there for us" when the shit hit the fan this summer but as time goes on, we end up being dropped from their lives when we need them the most. Our road to a normal life will never be easy, nor will it ever be normal. I hate the fact that I know that for the rest of my life I will deal with pain, it will be worse at times and less at others but nonetheless, it will be there.
My life will be faced with decisions, difficult decisions, but none as difficult as the decisions that I made that led up to Kennedy's accident.
My bad days are bad lately, my good days are days that I can stop the stream of tears. I know that this will all get better with time but unfortunately time just doesn't seem to be on my side anymore either.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Me, Myself, and I
I'm not really sure what is going on. I have been on this selfish spiral lately. All things are about me. I'm tired. My ankles hurt. I want this, I want that. I'm not sure if this is part of the grief process or pregnancy or just me being ridiculous. It's funny that when I get on one of these rants Joe just ignores me. He doesn't feed into it, he just plays his video game and lets me carry on about me.
I am also blaming myself for Kennedy's accident. This is new. Up until this point I called it an unpreventable accident and blamed no one. Now I blame myself, all the things I could have done differently years ago to prevent this. I know in my heart that this was an accident but I feel so much better blaming myself. I am guessing this is just another phase of grief. Maybe I should get my butt back to counseling...
I am also feeling completely inadequate in the sense that I want to make something positive of this situation but have no idea where to start. Adoption for us is not an option right now, being the face of beach safety is not an option either. What can I do? Start a memorial fund? There is a nonprofit organization that will set one up for us free of charge and handle all of the business end of it. But who does it benefit? Drowning victims? Then I go back to my selfishness, our business is struggling, our finances are a mess, how do I ask people to donate money to our fund when I can't donate to theirs?
I spent well over an hour at Kennedy's columbarium yesterday eating lunch, thinking and crying. All I could focus on was how much I miss her, how I never brought her to OLV church and how she is laid to rest in an unfamiliar place.
Joe seems to really be dealing with me well. I've managed to say some ugly things to him, which were meant to blame me, but he took it as me blaming him. He really just ignores me and chalks it up to a bad day I guess or crazy pregnancy hormones. I think as Bristol's delivery date gets closer we are getting more and more anxious. We both want what is best for her but how do we do that without letting her out of our sight?
On a completely different note, I had my 30 week check up this week. All is well. Strong heartbeat. Measuring on time. My weight gain has picked up full force. Sorry Brookwood L&D, you got a biggun' delivering in a few weeks.
My book writing has really suffered this month. My laptop crashed and I am unable to mentally fight with the laptop trying to retreive the file. It's very exhausting and frustrating fighting with something that is a whole lot smarter than I will ever be. I am hoping to get back to it full force in April.
I am also blaming myself for Kennedy's accident. This is new. Up until this point I called it an unpreventable accident and blamed no one. Now I blame myself, all the things I could have done differently years ago to prevent this. I know in my heart that this was an accident but I feel so much better blaming myself. I am guessing this is just another phase of grief. Maybe I should get my butt back to counseling...
I am also feeling completely inadequate in the sense that I want to make something positive of this situation but have no idea where to start. Adoption for us is not an option right now, being the face of beach safety is not an option either. What can I do? Start a memorial fund? There is a nonprofit organization that will set one up for us free of charge and handle all of the business end of it. But who does it benefit? Drowning victims? Then I go back to my selfishness, our business is struggling, our finances are a mess, how do I ask people to donate money to our fund when I can't donate to theirs?
I spent well over an hour at Kennedy's columbarium yesterday eating lunch, thinking and crying. All I could focus on was how much I miss her, how I never brought her to OLV church and how she is laid to rest in an unfamiliar place.
Joe seems to really be dealing with me well. I've managed to say some ugly things to him, which were meant to blame me, but he took it as me blaming him. He really just ignores me and chalks it up to a bad day I guess or crazy pregnancy hormones. I think as Bristol's delivery date gets closer we are getting more and more anxious. We both want what is best for her but how do we do that without letting her out of our sight?
On a completely different note, I had my 30 week check up this week. All is well. Strong heartbeat. Measuring on time. My weight gain has picked up full force. Sorry Brookwood L&D, you got a biggun' delivering in a few weeks.
My book writing has really suffered this month. My laptop crashed and I am unable to mentally fight with the laptop trying to retreive the file. It's very exhausting and frustrating fighting with something that is a whole lot smarter than I will ever be. I am hoping to get back to it full force in April.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Keeping the faith
It's been such a busy couple of weeks for us! Joe's dad came to visit, I had a bunch of appointments, papers due, baby shower to think about, thankfully things have slowed down some this week-with the exception of school! Gosh it is wearing me out. I was urged to not take these two classes together because they are the more difficult ones in the program. I figured best to take them before I deliver Bristol and my placenta takes my remaining brain cells with it. Hmmm, maybe not the best idea. Whatever, I've been through worse.
Since the oil spill last summer tourism has been down at the beach. In an effort to revitalize the area there are tons of commercials on TV about coming to the beach, one shows a family with a little girl (about Kennedy's age) in a pink bikini (similiar to the one she had on) running to the water. OMG! seriously what would have normally made me want to go there and spend a few days basking in the sun, has me running in the opposite direction. I want nothing more than to spend a few days listening to the waves and burying my feet in the warm sand but I cannot do it. Not now, maybe not ever. Knowing what I know now about how quickly things can happen and how dangerous the beach can be has me scared to death to ever enjoy it again. I want Bristol to experience the beach but fear that I may never let her near it. Anyone who knows us, knows that we love the beach and jumped at every opportunity to go there, now it's all different.
On another note, I celebrated with my friends on Sunday at my baby shower. It was nice. We got so many beautiful gifts. I swear I have no idea where we would be without our friends. That morning I didn't feel much like socializing but that mood passed quickly and I enjoyed the day. Yesterday, my dedicated PJ day, was spent putting things together and finding a home for all of the awesome things. It was bittersweet.
It's been awhile since I read the bible, I was reading it daily but really have been preoccupied lately that I just didn't get around to it. (not a very good excuse) Anyway, I am trying to read it more consistently now. I also prayed, prayed hard for several things last week and those prayers got answered. One for my own selfish reasons and another for a friend who is going through an adoption process. Coincidence? Maybe to some but I am chalking these up to answered prayers.
Since the oil spill last summer tourism has been down at the beach. In an effort to revitalize the area there are tons of commercials on TV about coming to the beach, one shows a family with a little girl (about Kennedy's age) in a pink bikini (similiar to the one she had on) running to the water. OMG! seriously what would have normally made me want to go there and spend a few days basking in the sun, has me running in the opposite direction. I want nothing more than to spend a few days listening to the waves and burying my feet in the warm sand but I cannot do it. Not now, maybe not ever. Knowing what I know now about how quickly things can happen and how dangerous the beach can be has me scared to death to ever enjoy it again. I want Bristol to experience the beach but fear that I may never let her near it. Anyone who knows us, knows that we love the beach and jumped at every opportunity to go there, now it's all different.
On another note, I celebrated with my friends on Sunday at my baby shower. It was nice. We got so many beautiful gifts. I swear I have no idea where we would be without our friends. That morning I didn't feel much like socializing but that mood passed quickly and I enjoyed the day. Yesterday, my dedicated PJ day, was spent putting things together and finding a home for all of the awesome things. It was bittersweet.
It's been awhile since I read the bible, I was reading it daily but really have been preoccupied lately that I just didn't get around to it. (not a very good excuse) Anyway, I am trying to read it more consistently now. I also prayed, prayed hard for several things last week and those prayers got answered. One for my own selfish reasons and another for a friend who is going through an adoption process. Coincidence? Maybe to some but I am chalking these up to answered prayers.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sorting
For the past week I have been sorting things. Receipts, baby clothes, etc. I'm excited things feel lighter in my house and at the office. It was difficult to go through the receipts from last year, a time when I was still buying things for Kennedy and remembering our trips through the year. While I am glad that the bulk of it is done I know I still have the looming funeral expenses to itemize. While going through the mountain of paperwork I found her blue immunization card for school this year and a letter from my mother in law asking if Kennedy liked her Easter gifts. Finding these things is bittersweet.
My mother in law and sister in law sent a LOAD of baby clothes to us, via Joe's dad. I have spent the better part of the last few days sorting through the sizes and pairing things up. My sis in law even washed everything for me. There were several pieces that we duplicates of Kennedy's, imagining her in those outfits was painful but good. I can definitely say that we do not need any clothing for Bristol until shes at least 3 years old. Amazing!
Tomorrow I go for my three hour glucose tolerance test, since I failed my one hour test last week. Darn it! The last thing I want to do is sit at the doctor office for 4 hours but I guess its necessary. I had gestational diabetes with Kennedy and am pretty sure that it will be the same this time around. I very much dislike having to watch my diet.
School this session is officially kicking my butt! So many big projects, I am getting so sick of writing papers constantly. I have not worked on my book in weeks now, I know the times that I cannot even begin to sit down to work on it but unfortunately that has become the only time I can. I am choosing to get a better nights sleep over writing for now. I still make notes on my phone when I get an idea, so it's not that I have completely disregarded working on it.
I am officially counting down the days until Bristol is due! I cannot wait for her to get here. I pee 5 times a night, I am freezing everyone out of the house, I waddle because it feels so good, I cannot get up from a laying position without rolling to my side first. My weight gain has not even been an issue (20lbs so far) its just the extra girth of my belly that is wearing me out. Joe hasn't even had any off the wall comments lately aside from him thinking the wall fell down in the bathroom because I opened the window this morning because I was on fire after my shower. Poor guy has been wearing layers to bed at night and I even catch him using my half of the comforter that I don't use anymore.
My baby shower is this Sunday, I'm excited to see everyone. It seems like since I have been back to work, I haven't seen anybody in months.
My mother in law and sister in law sent a LOAD of baby clothes to us, via Joe's dad. I have spent the better part of the last few days sorting through the sizes and pairing things up. My sis in law even washed everything for me. There were several pieces that we duplicates of Kennedy's, imagining her in those outfits was painful but good. I can definitely say that we do not need any clothing for Bristol until shes at least 3 years old. Amazing!
Tomorrow I go for my three hour glucose tolerance test, since I failed my one hour test last week. Darn it! The last thing I want to do is sit at the doctor office for 4 hours but I guess its necessary. I had gestational diabetes with Kennedy and am pretty sure that it will be the same this time around. I very much dislike having to watch my diet.
School this session is officially kicking my butt! So many big projects, I am getting so sick of writing papers constantly. I have not worked on my book in weeks now, I know the times that I cannot even begin to sit down to work on it but unfortunately that has become the only time I can. I am choosing to get a better nights sleep over writing for now. I still make notes on my phone when I get an idea, so it's not that I have completely disregarded working on it.
I am officially counting down the days until Bristol is due! I cannot wait for her to get here. I pee 5 times a night, I am freezing everyone out of the house, I waddle because it feels so good, I cannot get up from a laying position without rolling to my side first. My weight gain has not even been an issue (20lbs so far) its just the extra girth of my belly that is wearing me out. Joe hasn't even had any off the wall comments lately aside from him thinking the wall fell down in the bathroom because I opened the window this morning because I was on fire after my shower. Poor guy has been wearing layers to bed at night and I even catch him using my half of the comforter that I don't use anymore.
My baby shower is this Sunday, I'm excited to see everyone. It seems like since I have been back to work, I haven't seen anybody in months.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sealing up the memories
Today has been a successful day for me. I have really got a lot done. A great friend/co-worker gave me a cedar hope chest to store Kennedy's things in. The piles that were all over her and Bristol's bedroom are now neatly stored in my bedroom. I even manged to touch her baby book, something I could not do until now. It felt good to get this stuff organized once and for all. I am finally getting much more comfortable in their bedroom. Kennedy's influence is still present in that bedroom but I now feel comfortable in saying that Bristol can call it her own bedroom. I still need to find one more chest/trunk thing to put Kennedy's bed linens in and her dirty clothes from the week before the accident. The cedar chest will fit them but it is cedar and I just cannot bear the thought of the clothes that smell like her, smelling like cedar.
Joe's mother and sister bought us a ton of girls clothes. I went through four boxes today and hung and put away every single piece. I think I'm nesting. I have this urge to clean and organize EVERYTHING! Unfortunately today though, I am contracting every time I move around too much.
Today starts my 3rd session of school. Only two more sessions to go. I'm thinking though that this semester may be the most involved. The projects that I have to do are overwhelming just to read about. I am at least relieved to know the end is now in sight.
While opening the boxes today with my pair of kitchen scissors, I was reminded of a memory of when Kennedy would try to open something and have a hard time with it, she would go over to the silverware drawer and get the scissors out. It was like she knew what she was doing. She was so independent and was ticked at us when we moved those scissors out of her reach. I am glad my memory allows me to remember those sweet details.
Joe's mother and sister bought us a ton of girls clothes. I went through four boxes today and hung and put away every single piece. I think I'm nesting. I have this urge to clean and organize EVERYTHING! Unfortunately today though, I am contracting every time I move around too much.
Today starts my 3rd session of school. Only two more sessions to go. I'm thinking though that this semester may be the most involved. The projects that I have to do are overwhelming just to read about. I am at least relieved to know the end is now in sight.
While opening the boxes today with my pair of kitchen scissors, I was reminded of a memory of when Kennedy would try to open something and have a hard time with it, she would go over to the silverware drawer and get the scissors out. It was like she knew what she was doing. She was so independent and was ticked at us when we moved those scissors out of her reach. I am glad my memory allows me to remember those sweet details.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Dreams and Anniversary's
Things have been pretty quiet here. Calm before the storm? Let's hope not. I am a bit jealous of Joe. He has had several dreams about Kennedy but I have not had a single one. Why does he get the dreams? I want one too. I've never really been a big dreamer, I guess I just don't remember them. The vivid details that Joe describes to me about seeing Kennedy in these dreams makes me so sad. He gets to hug her again, I don't, he got to see her at a much older age, I don't. I only get to hear about them after listening to him moan and almost cry all night long. I always know when he's had one, his sleep is a mess those nights. I can feel his pain in each cry.
The only dream I have had recently, that I remember, is that Bristol was born without a head. I have heard about the crazy dreams that one can have during pregnancy, but really wasn't expecting that. She has a head, I saw it! What am I thinking? So silly.
While shopping this week in Wal-mart I walked down the Easter aisle. Already? I have now realized that holidays are hard. Not just for me but for so many others. Unfortunately it is sad that we relate a holiday to the death of a person but we do. Deaths seem to happen around the holidays a lot. Easter is definitely going to be a holiday that I know brings friends of mine to their knees. It makes me wonder how we can be so "happy" when the holidays roll around. July 4th and fireworks will never be the same for me. It's hard to even look at fireworks on TV. We were supposed to be watching them with Kennedy that weekend. She called them 'firetrucks'.
Joe and I have also tossed up renewing our wedding vows. Our anniversary is July 7(it will be 10 years this year). We forgot about it this year until late that day when Joe said to me "wow, some anniversary". Dates to me at that time were non-existent. I just cannot see how we will celebrate anything around that time. I wish that money were not an option and we could go away for the entire month.
Please think of others when you are enjoying your holidays or celebrations, so many of us out here are hurting during these times.
The only dream I have had recently, that I remember, is that Bristol was born without a head. I have heard about the crazy dreams that one can have during pregnancy, but really wasn't expecting that. She has a head, I saw it! What am I thinking? So silly.
While shopping this week in Wal-mart I walked down the Easter aisle. Already? I have now realized that holidays are hard. Not just for me but for so many others. Unfortunately it is sad that we relate a holiday to the death of a person but we do. Deaths seem to happen around the holidays a lot. Easter is definitely going to be a holiday that I know brings friends of mine to their knees. It makes me wonder how we can be so "happy" when the holidays roll around. July 4th and fireworks will never be the same for me. It's hard to even look at fireworks on TV. We were supposed to be watching them with Kennedy that weekend. She called them 'firetrucks'.
Joe and I have also tossed up renewing our wedding vows. Our anniversary is July 7(it will be 10 years this year). We forgot about it this year until late that day when Joe said to me "wow, some anniversary". Dates to me at that time were non-existent. I just cannot see how we will celebrate anything around that time. I wish that money were not an option and we could go away for the entire month.
Please think of others when you are enjoying your holidays or celebrations, so many of us out here are hurting during these times.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Healing
This week has been absolutely beautiful weather wise. I sat on the driveway and watched Joe plant some shrubs and soaked up the sun for a few minutes, only to be saddened because, if Kennedy were still here, she would and should have been out there with me. This is just another one of those firsts that I keep experiencing. They are hard but I manage to get through them. I had to put away the visual image of her toys strewn all over the driveway and the million chalk drawings that would normally be scattered everywhere.
I seem to be having so many more emotional days, it has to be my hormones. I cry at the silliest things and then I can't stop. I guess it goes with the territory.
Today I did something I have been putting off for so long. I went to Kennedy's Mother's Day Out to visit. I worried that I would fall into a heap as soon as I walked in. Thankfully, because of the pretty weather, everyone was outside. I took a deep breath, got out of my car and walked over to that playground. It was hard to not see Kennedy at the top of the slide or playing with one of her classmates but I managed. I spoke to all of the great teachers at that school, they were awesome with all the kids, Kennedy included. She loved going to school as much as I loved the break.
I knew there was a mural painted at some point during last school year and Kennedy's hand print was used to make a flower. I went in that building, I didn't fall to a heap on the floor, took a picture of the hand print and was proud of my baby for making the only smudgy hand print on that whole wall. It was her, she was a mess. That hand print means so much to me, I had a casting kit from very soon after she was born but just never found the time to cast her print.
Down the entire length of the hallway, Ms. Michelle, painted a summer/spring beautiful mural with birds, and flowers and green grass. In this mural is a picture of a little girl with pig tails, carrying a lunch box, with the monogram KHA, wearing cute red boots (with the Alabama logo). The thought that her teachers keep her in their memory was amazing to me. I know they remember her but to memorialize her in such a way was so much more than I could ever ask for. I teared up in that hallway. I am forever grateful for them!
I got to see some of Kennedy's old classmates, they grew up so much, it helped me to visualize what Kennedy would be like today. I miss her and everything about her and truly hate that she is not here anymore, she was the perfect kid! I have been juggling back and forth again with the "why us?" The only solution I could come up with is that somehow, someway I/we will make a positive difference in this world, dealing with this tragedy has given me such a different perspective on life and just how precious it is. Someday when I know what that calling is I will share it with all of you.
Here are the pictures I took:
I seem to be having so many more emotional days, it has to be my hormones. I cry at the silliest things and then I can't stop. I guess it goes with the territory.
Today I did something I have been putting off for so long. I went to Kennedy's Mother's Day Out to visit. I worried that I would fall into a heap as soon as I walked in. Thankfully, because of the pretty weather, everyone was outside. I took a deep breath, got out of my car and walked over to that playground. It was hard to not see Kennedy at the top of the slide or playing with one of her classmates but I managed. I spoke to all of the great teachers at that school, they were awesome with all the kids, Kennedy included. She loved going to school as much as I loved the break.
I knew there was a mural painted at some point during last school year and Kennedy's hand print was used to make a flower. I went in that building, I didn't fall to a heap on the floor, took a picture of the hand print and was proud of my baby for making the only smudgy hand print on that whole wall. It was her, she was a mess. That hand print means so much to me, I had a casting kit from very soon after she was born but just never found the time to cast her print.
Down the entire length of the hallway, Ms. Michelle, painted a summer/spring beautiful mural with birds, and flowers and green grass. In this mural is a picture of a little girl with pig tails, carrying a lunch box, with the monogram KHA, wearing cute red boots (with the Alabama logo). The thought that her teachers keep her in their memory was amazing to me. I know they remember her but to memorialize her in such a way was so much more than I could ever ask for. I teared up in that hallway. I am forever grateful for them!
I got to see some of Kennedy's old classmates, they grew up so much, it helped me to visualize what Kennedy would be like today. I miss her and everything about her and truly hate that she is not here anymore, she was the perfect kid! I have been juggling back and forth again with the "why us?" The only solution I could come up with is that somehow, someway I/we will make a positive difference in this world, dealing with this tragedy has given me such a different perspective on life and just how precious it is. Someday when I know what that calling is I will share it with all of you.
Here are the pictures I took:
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