This time of year seems to be the hardest. Kennedy loved it. In the words of Kenny Chesney "sunny days seem to hurt the most". There are so many things that I know I should be doing such as:
~Signing Kennedy up for Kindergarten. I just cannot believe that she would be old enough to start school. A dreaded time in most parents life, sending their child off to school, I could only wish.
~Witnessing Kennedy come down from the high of being in Disney World. I couldn't help but think how much she would have loved it. The princesses were her favorite. There was even a Handy Manny, we never got around to see him though, painful.
~Letting Kennedy plan her fifth birthday party. Would she have wanted ponies, inflatables or a pool party. I will never know.
~Watching Kennedy and Bristol play together. Although Joe and I decided that they would probably fight a lot. They are both pretty strong headed.
~I really should be cleaning my nasty house.
~Working on school work that I keep putting off.
~Planning Bristol's first birthday.
Some things on my list will never, ever be crossed off and I have to live with that every single day of my life. Checking off the things I can check off keeps me moving forward. Is this the way my life will always be? I have no idea but I have realized that when I take smaller steps I get further.
Our first night in Orlando was filled with nightmares. I dreamt of the ocean and violent waves. This was my first dream ever like this. It was awful. Another one of the many visions I have to live with every single day.
I hate grieving. It never goes away. I cannot take Tylenol and a nap and wake up with it gone. Bristol knows when we are grieving, she is usually very needy those days. I swear she is just trying so hard to make it better on us and keep us busy. I love her so much for that and at the same time hate that we cannot be happy all.the.time. for her sake.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Going's on
Never a dull moment here at our house. It's spring break which means we are working hard at home this week. Joe's yard project is finally getting somewhere. I have no idea what he will do when it's actually done. We are going to Disney next Tuesday so I have been getting ahead on school work so I don't have to worry about it while on vacay.
Bristol is now 10 months old. Her little personality is hilarious. She is serious but can be such a jokester at times. She knows the word no but defies it already. She loves to swing in her swing outside, loves going for walks in the stroller and hysterically laughs at Xander when he chases her bubbles. I just cannot believe that I will be planning her FIRST birthday in less than 2 months.
Seeing every ones pictures of the beach this week has thrown me back into panic. Sleepless nights just imagining that day all come back to me. I know this is something that I just have to work through but right now it seems like the pain of our loss of Kennedy will never get easier. My chest hurts the same now as it did that day. I really long for the day I will get to hold her in my arms again.
Bristol and I visit Kennedy as much as we can, I want Bristol to know her sister and to feel comfortable visiting her. I think she knows her sister is in Heaven though.
Bristol is now 10 months old. Her little personality is hilarious. She is serious but can be such a jokester at times. She knows the word no but defies it already. She loves to swing in her swing outside, loves going for walks in the stroller and hysterically laughs at Xander when he chases her bubbles. I just cannot believe that I will be planning her FIRST birthday in less than 2 months.
Seeing every ones pictures of the beach this week has thrown me back into panic. Sleepless nights just imagining that day all come back to me. I know this is something that I just have to work through but right now it seems like the pain of our loss of Kennedy will never get easier. My chest hurts the same now as it did that day. I really long for the day I will get to hold her in my arms again.
Bristol and I visit Kennedy as much as we can, I want Bristol to know her sister and to feel comfortable visiting her. I think she knows her sister is in Heaven though.
Friday, February 17, 2012
It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right?
We have been in a whirlwind of busy-ness ever since Joe got back from his cruise. Things need to slow down! Being busy is a good thing but I feel like I never really know if I'm coming or going. Add to that we have a 9 month old drama queen that is teething. Ugh! I need a drink or just one uninterrupted night of sleep.
Several months ago we made the decision to look into foster care. For some reason we both felt that we can provide a stable home for a child that needs it. We still feel this way. Unfortunately though, after submitting our application and waiting forever for a response we were scheduled to begin our 10 (yes 10) weeks of classes on the day we were leaving for our beach convention. We also have a disney trip planned in March which would fall on week 7 of the classes. How is this is a problem? We cannot miss any classes if we want to be licensed. Shelby county tells me they are in a crisis situation and have too many kids and not enough homes. Well crap! I wonder why. They definitely need to re-vamp their education process. My only thought is that this is not the right time for us to do this. I just can't help but obsess over it though.
I'm still missing my Kennedy so much and hate that she isn't here with us. Joe and I decided that her and Bristol would NOT get along. Bristol is hard headed and extremely demanding, two things that annoyed Kennedy a lot. I'm beginning to realize that the memories of Kennedy are what keep me going every day. The pain is still here but I am so thankful for all of the memories I have of her.
The relentless pursuit of getting my Master's degree begins finally on Feb 27! I'm excited but nervous. I just don't feel like getting into school mode again. I feel like I have been in college forever! Oh wait, I have!
I'll update again soon!
Several months ago we made the decision to look into foster care. For some reason we both felt that we can provide a stable home for a child that needs it. We still feel this way. Unfortunately though, after submitting our application and waiting forever for a response we were scheduled to begin our 10 (yes 10) weeks of classes on the day we were leaving for our beach convention. We also have a disney trip planned in March which would fall on week 7 of the classes. How is this is a problem? We cannot miss any classes if we want to be licensed. Shelby county tells me they are in a crisis situation and have too many kids and not enough homes. Well crap! I wonder why. They definitely need to re-vamp their education process. My only thought is that this is not the right time for us to do this. I just can't help but obsess over it though.
I'm still missing my Kennedy so much and hate that she isn't here with us. Joe and I decided that her and Bristol would NOT get along. Bristol is hard headed and extremely demanding, two things that annoyed Kennedy a lot. I'm beginning to realize that the memories of Kennedy are what keep me going every day. The pain is still here but I am so thankful for all of the memories I have of her.
The relentless pursuit of getting my Master's degree begins finally on Feb 27! I'm excited but nervous. I just don't feel like getting into school mode again. I feel like I have been in college forever! Oh wait, I have!
I'll update again soon!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Productive Week so far!
Phew! I have been busy! We are adding some new products to the business this year and that has kept me pretty steady for the past few days. We are actually going to run the office as the store that it is. Which means more time over there from me and Joe (and Bristol)! Work at the hospital has become much more demanding too. I'm having to make some difficult decisions with all of the changes they are forcing on us.
This is the year of organization for me. Since July 2010, things have piled up and taken on a life of their own. I am going to work so hard at getting organized and staying organized this year. I wonder if Hoarders wants to come to my house....
Hopefully in the next few weeks there will be lots of new exciting things happening for the Halechko's, I will keep you all posted.
This is the year of organization for me. Since July 2010, things have piled up and taken on a life of their own. I am going to work so hard at getting organized and staying organized this year. I wonder if Hoarders wants to come to my house....
Hopefully in the next few weeks there will be lots of new exciting things happening for the Halechko's, I will keep you all posted.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
One year of blogging!
Wow! I have been doing this for an entire year! When I started this I just didn't know where it would take me. I've read some of my previous posts today, interesting to say the least. I am definitely a mess when I'm pregnant!
Hopefully I will be able to dedicate myself to finish my book, I really have been slacking on it. I have decided that 2012 will be the year for the Halechko's, we are going to get organized, build our business, grow our family (I am not pregnant but more on that later) and most of all love our sweet Bristol. Our life is being led to explore some different paths, ones that we normally would never consider. I'm hoping to have some definite details to share with all of you soon. ;)
Happy 2012 to all of you!
Hopefully I will be able to dedicate myself to finish my book, I really have been slacking on it. I have decided that 2012 will be the year for the Halechko's, we are going to get organized, build our business, grow our family (I am not pregnant but more on that later) and most of all love our sweet Bristol. Our life is being led to explore some different paths, ones that we normally would never consider. I'm hoping to have some definite details to share with all of you soon. ;)
Happy 2012 to all of you!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas to All (even the haters)
Merry Christmas everyone!
Last year we didn't celebrate any holidays and this year we are only easing back into it for Bristol's sake. I want her to be able to enjoy these special times with family and friends without feeling guilty for doing so.
Those of you out there who think I/we use "our circumstance or situation" for special treatment are dead wrong.
1. Kennedy's death did not happen so I can have off of work at Christmas.
2. While you are enjoying your own child(ren) open their gifts left by Santa remember: I WILL NEVER, EVER SEE ONE OF MY CHILDREN, KENNEDY, OPEN CHRISTMAS GIFTS AGAIN. EVER!
3. Holidays, be it Valentine's day, 4th of July, Martin Luther King Day, will always be painful for us. While you are out enjoying the festivities we are grieving and missing our daughter who we will NEVER get to spend another holiday with.
4. Christmas shopping for others is almost unbearable when I am leaving out buying gifts for a child that loved opening them. Seeing the toy section in a store can bring me to my knees.
5. If I wanted fame from something in my life, I would have robbed a bank!
6. July 2nd (Kennedy's death) and August 26 (Kennedy's birthday) will always be a "holiday" for me. I will not be at work either of those days. Get over it and get used to it. While you are out celebrating by lighting fireworks on the 4th of July realize that I cringe at each and every firework. That's how "fun" my holiday's are!
The death of a child is awful and something I would never wish on my worst enemy! Life is forever changed, normal everyday events are unbearable. The physical pain from missing them is more than any pain med can erase.
I leave you with a Merry Christmas! Enjoy your families today and everyday, kiss the little ones an extra time and hug them extra tight and pray for those that will never understand the toll that this loss takes on everyone.
Last year we didn't celebrate any holidays and this year we are only easing back into it for Bristol's sake. I want her to be able to enjoy these special times with family and friends without feeling guilty for doing so.
Those of you out there who think I/we use "our circumstance or situation" for special treatment are dead wrong.
1. Kennedy's death did not happen so I can have off of work at Christmas.
2. While you are enjoying your own child(ren) open their gifts left by Santa remember: I WILL NEVER, EVER SEE ONE OF MY CHILDREN, KENNEDY, OPEN CHRISTMAS GIFTS AGAIN. EVER!
3. Holidays, be it Valentine's day, 4th of July, Martin Luther King Day, will always be painful for us. While you are out enjoying the festivities we are grieving and missing our daughter who we will NEVER get to spend another holiday with.
4. Christmas shopping for others is almost unbearable when I am leaving out buying gifts for a child that loved opening them. Seeing the toy section in a store can bring me to my knees.
5. If I wanted fame from something in my life, I would have robbed a bank!
6. July 2nd (Kennedy's death) and August 26 (Kennedy's birthday) will always be a "holiday" for me. I will not be at work either of those days. Get over it and get used to it. While you are out celebrating by lighting fireworks on the 4th of July realize that I cringe at each and every firework. That's how "fun" my holiday's are!
The death of a child is awful and something I would never wish on my worst enemy! Life is forever changed, normal everyday events are unbearable. The physical pain from missing them is more than any pain med can erase.
I leave you with a Merry Christmas! Enjoy your families today and everyday, kiss the little ones an extra time and hug them extra tight and pray for those that will never understand the toll that this loss takes on everyone.
Friday, December 9, 2011
My New Year Resolution
I am generally not much for New Year's resolutions but this year I figure why not? I also have decided to start this immediately, why wait until Jan 1?
I have finally come to a point in my life that I realize how important family and friends are. Family of course being first. My family has been nothing but supportive my entire life, during the most tragic time in my life and continues to be supportive. My friends, I will say I have a few that have stuck by my side, most have come and gone and "friend hopped" on to others.
My resolution this year is to no longer beg for friendships or participate in "one-sided" friendships. My energy is far too consumed by a crawling 6 month old to worry about calling this one and that one to check in, when the gesture is never returned.
This being said, I have not always been a great friend either, so I am going to also try harder with those that are close to me. Unfortunately through all of the chaos of my life the past 17 months, I lose track of time easily and forget that it has been several weeks, rather than days, since I last spoke to someone. This is something I am working on. Bear with me...
The last 17 months of my life have been chaotic, drama-filled, sad, happy, confused, lonely etc. Some of my "great" friends have dropped off the face of the earth when I needed them most. I grieve for this loss too. Others have just created more drama in my already abundantly dramatic life.
Today I begin this new "friend diet" and start shedding those that obviously have moved on to their other friends. I wish nothing but the best and happiness for all of my friends and that will never change it is really just time that I quit wasting my time.
I have finally come to a point in my life that I realize how important family and friends are. Family of course being first. My family has been nothing but supportive my entire life, during the most tragic time in my life and continues to be supportive. My friends, I will say I have a few that have stuck by my side, most have come and gone and "friend hopped" on to others.
My resolution this year is to no longer beg for friendships or participate in "one-sided" friendships. My energy is far too consumed by a crawling 6 month old to worry about calling this one and that one to check in, when the gesture is never returned.
This being said, I have not always been a great friend either, so I am going to also try harder with those that are close to me. Unfortunately through all of the chaos of my life the past 17 months, I lose track of time easily and forget that it has been several weeks, rather than days, since I last spoke to someone. This is something I am working on. Bear with me...
The last 17 months of my life have been chaotic, drama-filled, sad, happy, confused, lonely etc. Some of my "great" friends have dropped off the face of the earth when I needed them most. I grieve for this loss too. Others have just created more drama in my already abundantly dramatic life.
Today I begin this new "friend diet" and start shedding those that obviously have moved on to their other friends. I wish nothing but the best and happiness for all of my friends and that will never change it is really just time that I quit wasting my time.
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