Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone! I hope your day has been great so far.

Three years ago on Easter Day I was snapping pictures of Kennedy in front of our fence and playing in the flowers at the Bright Star restaurant in Bessemer. THREE years ago! I cannot believe it has been three years. I remember it like it was yesterday. She wore the same dress she was laid to rest in.

I have heard people say that they know someone who lost a child and that mother was "never the same". How can you be the same? There is a permanent hole in my heart and the pain can be unimaginable. Yes Bristol has been such a blessing but we should be celebrating Easter with both of our girls in the comfy living room of our messy house. Things are not the same and they never can be the same. 

I miss her. I want to know how her and Bristol would get along. I want to see how long her hair would be. I wonder so much about her. Yes she is in a better place but to me the best place is here, here with me.

I try to control my OCD urges with Bristol. But in the back of my head I always wonder if I should be saving this or that, just in case... Who lives like this? Unfortunately, I guess having the reality of losing a child slap me in the face everyday has made me calloused.

I have some plans in my head to start a scholarship or free swimming classes for children in Kennedy's name. I just have to find time to get the ball rolling and figure out just how to do it. I'll keep you all posted.

Thank you for letting me rant for a bit!

Is it really March 2013?

Where has this year gone? My last post was in November 2012, time has flown since then. The holidays were crazy. Bristol ended up being hospitalized for dehydration for four days. Let me tell you Children's Hospital in Birmingham was great but I hope to never see that place again. She is better now and hopefully not emotionally scarred from the entire ordeal. It was hard watching my baby be so sick.
Right before Christmas a friend of mine lost her son Cooper to a genetic condition called IPEX syndrome. I went to the viewing and funeral, which was held in the same place as Kennedy's. It brought back so many memories of that time. Cooper's funeral was heart wrenching, I felt so sorry for the entire situation but most of all felt sorry for Courtney and her husband Jon. I knew their pain and what they were going through and it was so hard to watch. Thankfully some of my old co-workers made me sit with them and we all wept together. Courtney has told me that looks to me for my strength, I honestly have no clue if I am strong, crazy or just trying to survive. Some days still continue to be worse than others (especially if I forget my antidepressant, lol) but I continue to trudge along.
Bristol is now getting to be a big girl. She will be 2 in May. I cannot believe she will already be 2. Her personality is wild. She is a daddy's girl big time. She is also a bit strong willed. She is now getting closer to Kennedy's age and that makes me sad, I stress about her turning  3, an age Kennedy never saw. I don't know why but I do.
Work is going good. Super busy but good. I love it. I love my sweet Alzheimer's residents that visit me everyday and file my papers in my office, take my mouse pad to their room or eat my candy. I am so glad I get to be a part of their lives! I have done some serious traveling the past month (which has only contributed to Bristol being a daddy's girl) to conferences and taking my assisted living administrator's test. I slept in a hotel more than I slept at my house I think. I did pass my ALA test which was huge, I am not a great test taker so I was kinda shocked I did good on it.
School is still going. I am over it. If it wasn't for Joe I really would have taken a permanent break but he reminds me that I only have one year left. He isn't the one taking classes and working but whatever, I am determined now to finish it. As much as I complain about school I am seriously considering getting my doctorate. My school now offers it so it would only be another 2 years. Who knows I might just go crazy before that though and end up in a nut house.
I guess now that Bristol is getting older the question of whether or not we will have another baby. The answer is no. I do get baby fever and would love another one but I just cannot be pregnant again. Those of you that remember me during Bristol's pregnancy can recall how large I got, how much I ate, how much I complained etc. I was miserable and it was a good pregnancy. I just don't think I have enough energy to even attempt another one. Now, adoption is not out of the question. I would love to do a domestic, private adoption. We will cross that bridge some day.

Christmas Cheer

So much has been going on! Where do I start? BRISTOL! She's walking/running everywhere. It seems like she grows up a little more each day. She is a mess! Daddy has her so spoiled rotten and it's making him crazy. Ha!

I went out on a limb and applied for a promotion at work. I GOT THE POSITION-Director of Health Services! I am super excited. I really am amazed at how much I love my job and the people I get to work with everyday. Hopefully they will keep me around for awhile:)
Joe has been busy, this is his busy season. The good thing is, he stays out of my hair. I am working on socializing more, most people that are friends with Joe have no idea he has a wife. I do exist I just don't like to socialize much.

Christmas, we always have such a hard time with the holidays but I am determined to make this better. We normally buy gifts for a little girl and drop them off at a local toys for tots drop off location. This selfishly has fulfilled my need to buy gifts for Kennedy. This year we are doing it different. Yesterday I called our local women's shelter and they connected us to a mother that is out of a domestic violence situation and living in the shelter. She has a 2 year old girl and 3 year old boy. We are giving them Christmas! I am so excited to be able to witness them opening gifts and seeing their faces when they do. I am not saying this for any reason other than to let our family know that rather than sending gifts to Pennsylvania that you may or may not use, we will be sponsoring this family.

School is going on, still. I must say I'm a bit burned out. Thankfully I graduate March 2014. I will definitely be taking some much needed time off from it then!

Today someone bought my coffee for me in the McDonald's drive thru line and it made me realize that we all just live our lives day to day going through the motions. That simple gesture made my entire day! Unfortunately the guy also bought the guy behind me his meal so I couldn't pay it forward then but I did in the Chik-Fil-a drive thru at lunch today. The lady sped up to me at a light and waved while holding up her bag. Her smile was huge! It is such a good feeling to help or do good for others, I wish I had the resources to do this more often or on a larger scale.

Where has this summer gone?

Wow! I cannot believe summer is going to be over soon. It has flew by! Things have been going really good for us. I am loving my job and couldn't be happier with my decision to change jobs. I really work for a great company that cares about their residents and employees it feels good! I love all of the staff that I get to spend each day with. Our team is getting so strong! I still miss my Brookwood girls and hope/wish I could get to see them more. You girls were, and still are, there for me through such a hard time in my life.

I am halfway through my 3rd semester of my Master's, I actually have an anticipated graduation date of April 2014! It seems like forever away but I know it will fly by. I'm blogging this on my lunch break right now, when I should really be working on a paper, whatever, I need a break too!

Joe and I have signed up for a Warrior Dash. I guess I really am crazy. We, actually I, have been training hard. I am anticipating beating Joe in this race. He will go crazy if I do! Our recent trip to PA has made us really understand how important family is and how important it is for us to all stay in contact, no matter how far away we may be.

Bristol took 4, YES 4, steps all by herself on Sunday! I'm one excited mama! Maybe soon you all will hear me complaining about having to chase after her running around. She is so hard headed and will only do things on her own time. Lord help us when potty training comes around. Do kids have to be out of diapers before they start kindergarten? Whose rule is that if so? LOL. She has also started to talk more. She now says "shoes", I love it, she has a early addiction like her mama!

July 2 was two years since Kennedy went to Heaven. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about her, hurt from missing her or thank her for the time she gave me. We love that little girl! Late July was kindergarten registration, driving by the elementary school without my little girl in the back seat was heart wrenching. She and I should have been there getting all ready to go to the big school. Instead all I have are what if's.... August 26 is Kennedy's fifth birthday. I plan on having a birthday party for her complete with another balloon release and a visit to her columbarium at OLV.

To this day I look at my life and where I am now and what I have been through and I have no idea how I got here. My strength waivers at times and I have my breakdowns and I wish that I never experienced the death of a child. It's hard but somehow I keep moving forward. I only hope I can inspire someone else.

All in a day's work

Well the last two weeks have been crazy to say the least. My new job is awesome. It is really a great company to work for, my coworkers are great! I have had to do some public speaking as the President and Vice President introduced me to the facility, I was completely out of my element but as crazy as it is, I'm getting used to it. Managing staff is difficult but rewarding. I actually feel like I am making a difference in our staff.
I am so excited to have my weekends back. I had no idea that people that frequently hung around Joe had no idea who I was. Finally a social life!
Initially when I took the job I decided that we needed someone at the office to do my job, turns out I am able to manage both. This means extremely long days for me, and Joe-who is watching Bristol in the afternoons, but I'm just not ready yet to turn over the business to anyone else.
School... oh school. I'm still working on it, in 2 weeks I'll be done with my second semester. April 2014 cannot get here soon enough! I am burned out already with the amount of presentations, papers and projects that I have already done.
Bristol had a great first birthday celebration. She is teething again. Her bottom two teeth came in early, it's the top two that are going to drive us all nuts. She is still not walking, but she can crawl so stinking fast. I think by the end of the month she will be walking, she will stand now and she pushes her little toy around the living room while she's walking behind it. I almost dread her walking, she is a climber, and walking just gets her that much higher up.
The book. Yeah, I have to confess, I have not even thought about working on it in awhile. I think when things settle down some I will get back to it.

Bristol's turning ONE!

I cannot believe how time has flown by! Bristol will be ONE! It really seems like just yesterday that I was finding out I was pregnant with her. She has been such a blessing to us, in so many ways. Bristol came into our lives when we needed her most. She, in many ways, kept us alive. Her demanding personality is exactly what we need, even though I will complain about it. She keeps us busy at times that we need to be kept busy. As she is turning into a little person her loving and always-wanting-to-please-us attitude is coming out more and more. We love her so much!

School for me is moving right along. I am definitely feeling the course load of Master's degree work.

I took a new job at a local assisted living facility as their RN Wellness Coordinator. I am so looking forward to starting this avenue of my nursing career. It is a Monday-Friday position, something that will require some adjusting too having worked just weekends for the past 4 years! I cannot wait though, to have a normal schedule and a normal social life again! The facility seems like a great place to work, the company really seems to care about it's employees. I can't wait to get started!

With all that is going on, I am thinking about a facebook break. I can't believe I just typed that! I spend a lot of time looking at my phone, mostly because I have the time. In trying to focus on my new job and finishing my degree I am considering inactivating my account. Who knows, I guess I will see how things go....

Things I should be doing.

This time of year seems to be the hardest. Kennedy loved it. In the words of Kenny Chesney "sunny days seem to hurt the most". There are so many things that I know I should be doing such as:
~Signing Kennedy up for Kindergarten. I just cannot believe that she would be old enough to start school. A dreaded time in most parents life, sending their child off to school, I could only wish.
~Witnessing Kennedy come down from the high of being in Disney World. I couldn't help but think how much she would have loved it. The princesses were her favorite. There was even a Handy Manny, we never got around to see him though, painful.
~Letting Kennedy plan her fifth birthday party. Would she have wanted ponies, inflatables or a pool party. I will never know.
~Watching Kennedy and Bristol play together. Although Joe and I decided that they would probably fight a lot. They are both pretty strong headed.
~I really should be cleaning my nasty house.
~Working on school work that I keep putting off.
~Planning Bristol's first birthday.

Some things on my list will never, ever be crossed off and I have to live with that every single day of my life. Checking off the things I can check off keeps me moving forward. Is this the way my life will always be? I have no idea but I have realized that when I take smaller steps I get further.

Our first night in Orlando was filled with nightmares. I dreamt of the ocean and violent waves. This was my first dream ever like this. It was awful. Another one of the many visions I have to live with every single day.

I hate grieving. It never goes away. I cannot take Tylenol and a nap and wake up with it gone. Bristol knows when we are grieving, she is usually very needy those days. I swear she is just trying so hard to make it better on us and keep us busy. I love her so much for that and at the same time hate that we cannot be happy all.the.time. for her sake.