Two years ago I wondered to myself if I should create a blog but decided I had nothing to talk about...
July 2, 2010 changed that concept and my life forever. My husband and I's only child, Kennedy, a beautiful, vibrant, almost 3 year old girl drowned off the coast of Alabama while we were on what we thought was the best vacation ever. My baby girl was gone forever. I won't get into all of the details now but it was the absolute worst thing anyone could ever experience. My husband and I were forever changed. I miss Kennedy more than I ever thought I could miss someone. There are no words for the loss of a child.
Through this tragic loss I have realized several things:
1. I am not afraid of death, I am ready to be reunited with Kennedy again.
2. I have found myself turning to the Bible for comfort and sometimes answers (answers that I never get).
3. My family and friends are great. Their support for us has kept us standing.
4. Nothing is a priority in my life anymore. As long as the bills get paid who really cares if they are late. My floors are dirty, who cares, my baby is not here.
Going back to #1, I have to clarify, I am not going to commit suicide not now, not ever.
Joe and I vowed to each other that we would work through this and it will not drive our marriage apart, we were the only people that knew what each other was going through. Today has been 6 months since Kennedy went to Heaven. Are we over this? NO. Are we ever going to be over this? NO. I have heard time and time again that it takes time to heal. I don't ever see myself being healed, how can I forget this happened?
A few weeks after the accident Joe and I took a trip out west, it was a head clearing trip that we so desperately needed. We decided on this trip that we would try again for another baby. It took us 3 years to get pregnant with Kennedy and since Kennedy's birth we had several miscarriages, we knew this was going to be an uphill battle. We felt like having another child was what we were supposed to do, not to try and replace Kennedy, but to bring us joy again. Kennedy was so unique that we will never be able to replace her. In early September we found out that we were indeed pregnant! Labs were perfect, growth was on target, everything is perfect, it is meant to be. Our baby GIRL is due May 27, 2011 and although I am elated and happy for this new life I also find myself struggling with the delicate balance of grief and happiness.
In writing this blog I hope to help others while helping myself. Grief is ugly, that being said, unfortunately so are some of my days. I do not mean to offend anyone on here but be forewarned it may happen.