Today is just one of those days for me that makes me feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack at any moment. I start back to work tomorrow for the first time since the end of June. It's a step forward that I really don't want to take, unfortunately I don't get paid for sitting at home on my butt. I hate that the world is moving while my world is still at a standstill. I seem to be cycling back to my sleepless nights again. I was awake most of the night with "flashbacks" of that horrific day. Will they ever stop? I read that I should try to think of a happy thought when I get those, it worked a few times but my mind just keeps going back to all the little bits and pieces. Yesterday I made a fluffernutter sandwich (marshmallow fluff and peanut butter, I eat them all the time) and couldn't shake the vision of Kennedy sitting at the end of our counter on the barstool with her head in her hands, asking me to take the "brown stuff" (crust) off.
My nerves are shot. I have literally scratched the skin off of the top of my hand, not to mention how badly I tore up my legs. Of course, being off of work for the past six months, my health has been pretty good, minimal colds that didn't last very long. Now I am sick, sore throat, headache, sinus pressure and general yucky feeling, and I go back to work tomorrow.
Losing Kennedy is the worst thing I will ever go through in my life but when will things get easier for us? It seems like we are always being tested or pushed to our limits. Days like this I wish I could find a hole to crawl into.
This week has been a super busy week for me, being out of town for the last few weeks of December really set me back. I really think all of the changes and the hustle and bustle that I am not used to yet are a big cause of all of this anxiety. Who knows...Calgon take me away!