For the last six months (almost 7) I hear so many people tell me I am such a strong person. I don't see it. I am still in survival mode. There are however, many things that I am strong through. But does that make me a strong person? I don't know. I do know that my weak moments are terrible. They are getting less and less as time goes on but they are always like I am taking two steps backwards after a long uphill battle.
This process is exhausting. Mentally taxing. Every day it is on my mind, this is nothing like having a late bill that will get paid with your next pay check, this doesn't go away. Getting pregnant was probably the best thing that could happen for my health. I wasn't eating well, I was losing weight at a rapid pace (not complaining about that but it was not a healthy way to do it) and I was drinking more often. This pregnancy came when I needed it most. I am now forced to eat, I'm gaining weight, I'm being healthier all around. I cannot help but think about what all of this stress is doing to my unborn baby, if there was something I could do to not have this stress and mental anguish every day I would do it.
The exhaustion that grief brings with it is amazing. I don't feel like getting out of bed because I am tired, not depressed. I'm worn out from fighting tears, thinking about my Kennedy, replaying that day over and over in my memory. It's a full time job with the worst benefits.
I am a person that tries to make the best out of everything. I wonder what my next step will be. How can I make this better? I do know that I want to help as many people as I can, how I will do this I just don't know but I guess in time the answer will come.