So I worked on Tuesday (not my usual schedule) to reorient to the Labor and Delivery unit. Some of our processes have changed a bit and I needed to see it all work together before I actually labor a patient. I got to see two births. Seeing these births made me think of two things 1. I cannot wait until Bristol is born. 2. Life is short! I really wanted to tell these mothers to cherish every single second with their babies because you just never know when it will be over.
I almost think that I expect children to die now. I don't wish it on anyone, but I now know it can and does happen. It is non-discriminatory. My biggest fear is that we are going to be "one of those families" that their children die tragically. I expressed this to Joe shortly after I found out we were pregnant and he became furious that I would think so negatively.
The constant fear that something bad will happen to Bristol is always on my shoulders. How do I ever trust anyone to babysit? Will the feelings that something bad is going to happen ever go away?
On another note, I managed to get Kennedy's things packed up and ready to be moved into the attic. It was easier being in the room this time. I designated her bed to the "hope chest" pile. I decided the things that are most recently important to us like her drooled on bed sheets, her dirty clothes, her used toothbrush, her overnight bag from the beach trip, her favorite books, etc will be stored in a chest in our bedroom. I am also putting her christening gown, her pink Strausburg dress she came home in, the bows from our door at the hospital, the dried pink roses that were given to her, the cards congratulating her birth and her baby books (I still cannot even touch these). I feel good knowing that Bristol can make this bedroom her own now, without me feeling like she's touching things that I would rather her not touch.
Yesterday, I also ate lunch at Kennedy's columbarium at the church. I try to do this once a week. As I sat there freezing my butt off, literally, the cement was wet, the marble benches had puddles of water on them, the ground was my only option and it was a cold, dreary, cloudy day, I realized that I can't complain about being cold, it's not right. So I sat there shivering eating my chic-fil-a and having a long conversation with her about Bristol. For the first time since my many lunches there, I felt close to her.