Thursday, January 20, 2011

Random Thoughts

So I worked on Tuesday (not my usual schedule) to reorient to the Labor and Delivery unit. Some of our processes have changed a bit and I needed to see it all work together before I actually labor a patient. I got to see two births. Seeing these births made me think of two things 1. I cannot wait until Bristol is born. 2. Life is short! I really wanted to tell these mothers to cherish every single second with their babies because you just never know when it will be over.

I almost think that I expect children to die now. I don't wish it on anyone, but I now know it can and does happen. It is non-discriminatory. My biggest fear is that we are going to be "one of those families" that their children die tragically. I expressed this to Joe shortly after I found out we were pregnant and he became furious that I would think so negatively.

The constant fear that something bad will happen to Bristol is always on my shoulders. How do I ever trust anyone to babysit? Will the feelings that something bad is going to happen ever go away?

On another note, I managed to get Kennedy's things packed up and ready to be moved into the attic. It was easier being in the room this time. I designated her bed to the "hope chest" pile. I decided the things that are most recently important to us like her drooled on bed sheets, her dirty clothes, her used toothbrush, her overnight bag from the beach trip, her favorite books, etc will be stored in a chest in our bedroom. I am also putting her christening gown, her pink Strausburg dress she came home in, the bows from our door at the hospital, the dried pink roses that were given to her, the cards congratulating her birth and her baby books (I still cannot even touch these). I feel good knowing that Bristol can make this bedroom her own now, without me feeling like she's touching things that I would rather her not touch.

Yesterday, I also ate lunch at Kennedy's columbarium at the church. I try to do this once a week. As I sat there freezing my butt off, literally, the cement was wet, the marble benches had puddles of water on them, the ground was my only option and it was a cold, dreary, cloudy day, I realized that I can't complain about being cold, it's not right. So I sat there shivering eating my chic-fil-a and having a long conversation with her about Bristol. For the first time since my many lunches there, I felt close to her.


  1. I am not sure how I stumbled upon this blog, but I am glad that I did. First and foremost, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. I can't even imagine what you have been through and what you are still going through. I think God sent me to your blog because I have been kind of feeling sorry for myself lately. I am the mom of 3 children ages 8,6, and 2 and my husband works long hours so I am basically a single mom. I was feeling pretty discouraged and overwhelmed, but reading about your loss of precious Kennedy made me truly appreciate what I have. So thank you for that!

    Congratulations on your new baby girl! I know that she will bring you much joy. My good friend lost her son unexpectedly when he was almost 2. He had a congenital heart defect and she woke up one morning and he was dead. If Josh was alive, he would be almost 18 years old. My friend went on to have 2 more children (they are now 14 and 10). Although she misses Josh and a day does not go by that she does not think about him, she has found joy in her 2 daughters. I know that Bristol will do the same for you as will any other children that you may or may not have.

    I hope that you don't mind if I continue to follow your blog and comment. You are an incredibly strong and inspirational woman. I wish you peace and joy in the future and will keep you, Joe, Kennedy and Bristol in my prayers. Take care of yourself.


  2. Katherine,
    Please enjoy the blog! I glad it came into your life when you needed it. Funny how things like that happen:)